To not want my “stepmother” at my brother’s funeral?

[EllebellyBeeblebrox]

My brother died suddenly two weeks ago, he was only 34 and we are just heartbroken. Postmortem didn’t give a cause of death so we are awaiting results of further investigations, although I strongly suspect it was alcohol abuse that killed him, he had horrendous mental health and a drink problem.
The short version, my parents had a nasty divorce when I was 18, so coming up to 20years ago. Dad was having an affair, with someone he has now remarried to, so now effectively my stepmother although I have as little to do with her as possible, tolerating her so I can see my dad, and my dcs their grandad. My mum has never ever got over their separation and has never been the same since. My dad wants to bring her to my brother’s funeral although my mum has specifically said she does not want her there. At such a horrendous time for everyone anyway, am I being unreasonable in thinking he shouldn’t bring her? He has his sister and mother coming to support him and I will be there with both of them.
Thankyou in advance for any advice or thoughts, honestly I’m fucking broken and miss him so desperately already, wracked with guilt about how I should have done more, and can’t deal with the added family shit

I feel so, so sad for you @EllebellyBeeblebrox as you really shouldn't be dealing with this shit on top of everything else. Losing your brother is bad enough but having to play the go-between with your parents is horrid.

I can see both sides to be honest and I don't think there is an easy solution (ideally either your dad would agree that his wife won't come or your mum would openly invite her and make sure everyone is civil) but this seems unlikely.

What do you want?

When my DF died, my DM, who left him for another man 25 years earlier, not only turned up at the hospital the day before he died (we knew he was dying although he didn’t) and was sat by his bed holding his hand when I walked into the room, but she came to his funeral and brought her husband - the man she left him for.
My DF barely tolerated her presence but put up with her at family occasions for our sakes. She broke his heart. I can never forgive her for turning up at his bedside and bringing her husband to his funeral.

You need to take a really big step back here. This is between your Mum and Dad..... and you don't have to be the peacekeeper. Whatever happens between them isn't on you. Let yourself grieve, and let them get on with their bitterness and anger. This is about your brother and no one else......... and honestly if they can't put this to one side for one day, then that's on them.

I've been in your shoes between my parents and wasted too many years of my life doing what you're doing. I'm so very sorry for your loss

I'm honestly shocked that someone would hold on to this for 20yrs....
Your dad has lost his child, of course he wants his wife with him. You and your mum need to focus your attention elsewhere. This will not end well.

My sympathies, OP. How very sad for you all.
It sounds like if only your DM could control herself then there would be no issues at all with your stepmother attending.
With respect, your DM is the problem. And out of concern for YOU (because YOU matter too!) she should control herself (and should have been able to do so at your wedding FGS) and take the opportunity to say goodbye your DB with the rest of the family and friends.

for your loss, I’m so so so sorry.
Overall? I agree with everyone who is saying to be really kind to yourself and look after you.
This matter is for your parents to sort out.

Your father has every right to have his wife/ partner of 20 years by his side. He too has lost a child. Your mother (despite her grief) really has no right to demand that he not bring her.

This is hugely dysfunctional and it honestly sounds like your dad had an exit affair to escape a self centred woman. This is madness 20 years on. Step all the way back and let them work it out. Your father is the one who left your mother. Your father has every right to have his wife of 20 years there. My god does your mother want her to wear a scarlet A on her chest if she comes?

She's your Dad, s support, I can see both sides though my dh has an older daughter who we have a tenuous relationship for many reasons and her mum has never really accepted me, although I ironically have more contact with both than dh, my dh couldn't attend his own sisters funeral because of a massive family fall out,
Is there anyway your Dad and his partner could attend the service and maybe she doesn't attend the after get together?

I suppose I feel I should be the mediator between them and always try to keep them all happy, just never expected this situation.

No don’t do this - this is you inadvertently enabling their bad behavior. If they had to face each other directly they might have dealt with it.

As it is they have both let you down and used you for decades and they are continuing to do so right now.

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

I also don't think it's helpful for people to say your DM should have got over it by now. Maybe she should have but the funeral of her child isn't the place to be rubbing her nose in it in my view.

Step mum should stay away in my view. It was not her child and why would she want to cause any more hurt?

Maybe before future family events you could try and gently address it with your mum. But this isn't the time.

I'm so very sorry for your loss op.
Very gently I think Yabu, it's been 20 years - she's his life partner and he will need her.

This isn't your fight to mediate OP. But, your mum seems to never want to let this go does she, it's almost like she's using the death of your brother beat your dad with. All in all it seems as though she doesn't have the capacity to think about others in their times if need, maybe if she thought more about your brother when your dad left things wouldn't have been so bad. Maybe if this is how your mum behaves there's more to the story than your dad just running off with the OW!

Thankyou all for your advice. It has given me a lot to think about prior to seeing him tomorrow, I know that I’ve probably painted DM as a complete nightmare (which sometimes she is) but we are so so close and the last thing I want at the moment is to cause her more hurt by seeming to side with DF. But advice suggesting that I step back from all of their nonsense is probably most apt, and appreciated.
So sorry for those of you who have had similar losses, and family difficulties.

@Hoppinggreen

If she came I would just freeze the bitch out and make sure she knew exactly how welcome she was(nt)

What about freezing the father out who had the affair - why must the woman always be the one to be vilified???

OP I truly am sorry for your loss. But she has been his partner for 20 years. She is his emotional support. You be there for your Mum and your Dad's wife can be there for him.

Her son has died unexpectedly, of course she doesn’t want the women who stole her husband at his funeral. A decent person would stay away out of respect.

A classy person would have realised she would cause issues and decline to attend anyway.
I don’t think (from your description) she is that classy having slept with a married man. I would speak to your dads sister/grandmother on dads side and mention to them that the attendance of this person is going to cause your mother (who lets face it - is a mother who has, regardless of the circumstances, just lost her son) more grief/problems and therefore you would like it if they could intervene on her behalf and inform her that her presence is unwelcome.
If they are unwilling/unable to do so; I would speak to dad, and if needs be, stepmother herself and inform them that your mother has expressed a wish not to see her.
If needs be I would even white lie and say the deceased requested that stepmother not be at his funeral, as he didn’t feel close enough to her.
Or use the ultimate get out clause COVID. “Sorry; only x guests allowed to attend the funeral. The directors have asked it to be close relatives only.”

DM will only be the most important room in the funeral once.

She needs to stop making it about her - well, a previous marriage of hers - and accept funerals are for the grieving, which include the man's father.

@EllebellyBeeblebrox

It doesn’t help that when it comes to family I am a pathetic people pleaser and try to keep everyone happy all the time, which is impossible.

Elle I am so sorry you have lost your brother.

Please take very good care of yourself, & after the funeral is over - whatever happens, & whether stepmum attends or not - beware the people-pleasing as you & your mum recover from the funeral & begin the long aftermath of bereavement.

I wonder where your people-pleasing tendency originated?
Have you always had to look after your mum's feelings, or did this start or just intensify after the divorce?
Because, much as I feel sorry for her hard 2 decades, alarm bells pinged when you described how she is stubbornly choosing to remain bitter about her divorce & refusing to 'let it go'.

I'm concerned that you have been made a prop to support her in that decision, & if she took her divorce that hard, things are going to be so much harder now. Please remember that, no matter how much love there is between you, you are NOT her therapist, NOT her default Human Support Engine, & NOT a replacement for her engaging fully with her own life.

I am sorry at how harshly this may be coming across, but this situation has all the hallmarks of one where you may be sucked into a painful vortex you feel you cannot escape.
Hope I've got this wrong actually! - but if any of it strikes a chord, find a way of getting your mother to accept that she needs an expert counsellor/therapist to help her through her bereavement (this neatly avoids you having to say "you need a therapist to sort out your too-old issues re: the divorce").

I hope you too have real life support. Your remark about being forced to play middlewoman, in the midst of your own grief & loss, hit home to me & you need an outlet too - it would be entirely normal for you to feel resentment about your parents' inability to navigate this funeral directly between themselves. It's high tome they both considered you - & if they don't, you are at liberty to point out that you too have lost your brother, & it's high time for them to act like the senior adults they are, & look after their daughter's wellbeing too.

If it all gets overwhelming, please access some therapy for yourself.

I am so sorry you are stuck in the middle of your parents.

But I don’t think there are ever any circumstances where it’s appropriate to tell someone they are not welcome to bring their spouse. Particularly when they have lost a child.

Sit with your Mom and support her. The rest should not be on your shoulders to bear. It’s between them, and if your Mom is still suffering 20 years on from the divorce nothing anyone else does or does not do is going to fix that.

i am glad you have decided to leave them to it.
best wishes

I am so very sorry for your loss.

But I think you (and your mother) are being unreasonable. Firstly for calling your father's wife your "stepmother" and saying she is effectively your stepmother. She is your stepmother - quotation marks are unnecessary. She was also your brother's stepmother. She has been your stepmother for many years. More importantly she is your father's wife and has been for many years. Your father is burying his son. Of course he should have his wife with him, and of course she should be able to attend her stepson's funeral.

It's going to be an impossibly difficult day for everyone, regardless of who is there. Unfortunately I think you and your mother are focusing your understandable grief and anger in the wrong direction. Best of wishes to you all.

OP I couldn’t read this and not say something. So sorry for your loss, my brother died at the same age in broadly similar circumstances 2 years ago. Sending you lots of strength. I hope that your father’s wife will understand. My parents were/are shadows of their former selves, they would not have coped with this. Your mums feelings trump your fathers here, particularly as he will have support.

I think its time you all moved on - this is your Dad's partner of 20 years, not a fling, Also, why this hatred of your stepmother - your father was the one who cheated on your mother yet he seems not to bear any blame?

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss.

@Griefmonster

Good grief indeed.
Don't want to insult you with hackneyed phrases but - OMG.
also you very much deserve

My advice would be to step back and tell your DM and DF that they will need to discuss it and decide

& this is spot-on.
OP isn't their mediator, & needs space to look after her own wellbeing, without being asked to facilitate everybody else's at the expense of her own.

We have a similar scenario with my in laws (FIL had affair but now been married to AP for 20yrs. MIL never had another relationship and has not moved on still incredibly bitter)

It was a happier occasion in our family but the dispute over whether FILs now wife could come to his youngest daughter's wedding nearly ruined the whole thing even after many years.

She was not invited to our wedding as that was only months after the split and he did not ask that she should be. We were all adults when they split up so no-one has a close relationship with his new wife. We are cordial to her. However after 15y had passed (big family DH eldest and this was youngest DCs wedding) I thought MIL was in the wrong. She was saying she won't come if new wife is invited. He said he wouldn't come without her. Poor youngest SIL left in the middle of this as she had been all her life poor kid. Shitty behaviour from both of them not to put their daughter first IMHO. In the end wife came and MIL came on her own but FIL and wife did not sit on the top table. There were lots of guests and it was a lovely occasion and they didn't have to have any contact so no-ones day was ruined.

So sorry for the loss of your brother
I lost my mum recently and despite Covid rules (or maybe because of them as you can't circulate) I did not speak to everyone who was at her funeral and could easily have avoided someone if I wanted to. I was very much swept up in my own grief and people expect that.

This reaction might be a displacement of anger and grief from your mum to a familiar target (new wife) instead of to your brother for dying. It is reasonable for your dad to want his long term partner with him. In the end I expect that new wife will come, they won't speak and it will be OK.
You do have to look after yourself and concentrate on how you want to grieve and remember him. I found planning some of mums funeral very cathartic in fact. Choosing flowers, music and readings she would like and making sure she was remembered as she should be
We had some petty family dramas too but really none of it mattered on the day. I was just thinking about her.