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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

261 replies

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:38

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 02/07/2021 12:41

Yanbu op. It's very kind of you to do it and I don't necessarily think you should turn it down but I do think it's fair to have some acknowledgement that you're doing a massive favour for someone who is more acquaintance than friend. Her description of it as a holiday dies imply ages doing you the favour and that would bug me too.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 02/07/2021 12:41

This is the daughter of some late friends of your late parents???
Where are her friends? Family? Stop going to care for her, you're being a mug!

Howshouldibehave · 02/07/2021 12:43

I would say no. Sorry!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/07/2021 12:44

I’d be tempted to say I couldn’t manage it in the circumstances. I’d tell her how busy you are and how unfortunately you won’t be able to take on the large amount of work it entailed on top of your work.

tallduckandhandsome · 02/07/2021 12:45

YANBU, she is downplaying the effort and sacrifice from you and for that reason alone I would say no.

Has she inherited from her parents? If yes, surely she can afford private care?

TeapotCollection · 02/07/2021 12:47

Agree with others, I’d happily do this for family but not a virtual stranger

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/07/2021 12:47

C'mon! She takes you for a mug! How cheeky of her, to think of what you did as a bloody holiday. She's about as grateful as a starved rat. Grow a spine, tell her NO. 'I won't be able to provide caring duties this time round. I have other commitments.'

She needs to hire professionals.

And please, stop letting people take advantage of you.

Popetthetreehugger · 02/07/2021 12:47

I think she’s saying in this way to save face to herself ,iyswim . If I were you and I could I would . 😊

Dozer · 02/07/2021 12:47

Crazy decision to go the first time!

No way!

Dozer · 02/07/2021 12:48

She’s not even a close friend.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/07/2021 12:48

She's not a friend. She used you because she's too tight to pay for professional care. Fuck that.

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:49

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

This is the daughter of some late friends of your late parents??? Where are her friends? Family? Stop going to care for her, you're being a mug!
She has friends who have children or who look after grandchildren. Friends who might be able to pop in twice a day — but maybe not when she needs them. And perhaps they'll pass on Covid from their kids and grandkids... It's not as easy as it first seems. Lots of people our age are already tied up supporting younger and older family members. And not everyone can take their work with them as I can. So it does make sense for me to go. When I need someone to come and care for me, I wouldn't worry about calling on her. But I wouldn't pretend it's a holiday.
OP posts:
KatherineOfGaunt · 02/07/2021 12:49

You stayed with someone you're not exactly friends with for 4 weeks to be an unpaid carer?!

You are beyond kind. But I wouldn't do it again!

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 02/07/2021 12:50

I believe you’re busy for the next year aren’t you op? Diary now full after we had restrictions for so long?Wink

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/07/2021 12:50
Shock I'd ask her if she usually does care work as well as her full time job when she's on holiday? I'd struggle not to sound a bit snarky as well. That's a MASSIVE favour you've done her there, it's not remotely a jolly!

I'd have to tell her I couldn't manage it this time and perhaps she should look up some carers she could employ for the duration?

If someone had done this for me I would have been so grateful and shown it, plus making it obvious I was aware it was a huge favour to have done. She is taking the piss expecting you to do that twice and referring to it as a holiday. The nerve!

tallduckandhandsome · 02/07/2021 12:50

So it does make sense for me to go.

Surely it makes sense for her to pay for private carers?

Single women are not the answers to everyone's problems.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 12:50

You are right, it is care work.

Entirely up to you if you want to take time to help her out or not. Nothing to do with a holiday though, but she might be trying to make it more attractive, or convince herself she is not abusing with her demands.

ApolloandDaphne · 02/07/2021 12:51

I am not sure what it is you want help with deciding. Maybe she has worded it clumsily calling it a holiday but you say you don't mind doing it. Could you maybe take annual leave and make it a holiday? Surely she won't need you with her 24/7, especially the second week?

Heneage · 02/07/2021 12:51

Could she remotely have been aiming for irony?

Otherwise it was a crass comment.

DeathStare · 02/07/2021 12:51

Maybe calling it a holiday is her way of saving face because she feels ashamed or embarrassed asking for help.

Do you want to go? If you do, then I wouldn't not go just because of her phrasing. It is a huge amount to ask of you though, and if you don't want to go that's perfectly valid. You don't need another reason - you aren't obliged to go - but if you would feel easier then you could just tell her that unfortunately you are too busy.

TheAwfuITruth · 02/07/2021 12:53

If you're sure you're inclined to help her, and it's just the way she's dressing it up as a jolly, I'd say something along the lines of

'thank you for the offer, but I can't squeeze a holiday in at the moment. Let me know if you will be needing my help though, and I'll see what I can do'

TiredButDancing · 02/07/2021 12:53

You sound very kind and if you are willing to help her again, that is very nice of you.

However, you should make it totally clear it's not a holiday. Is this communication by text/email/phone? Because I'd be addressing it calmly, briefly and shortly, "I'm happy to help but of course it's not a holiday - it's a lot of work to look after someone, especially while trying to do my regular full time job too."

Heneage · 02/07/2021 12:53

But also you sound bloody lovely and I wish more people were as kind and generous as you and without every exchange having to a vile transaction - as in only doing kindnesses for people if in turn they do something for you or you "owe" them. You honestly have made my day, that someone can be so kind. DaffodilDaffodilDaffodil

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:54

@TeapotCollection

Agree with others, I’d happily do this for family but not a virtual stranger
She's not a virtual stranger. She was very kind and supportive of my parents and they thought of her as a second daughter. Her parents thought of me in the same way. If we weren't chalk and cheese in our interests and tastes we might have been close friends.
OP posts:
Palavah · 02/07/2021 12:55

Do you want to do it?

If so I'd be honest and say you would like to be able to help but it certainly wasn't a holiday last time - in fact it was really hard work, so perhaps she could arrange a cleaner to come in daily (shouldn't be difficult to find someone who's been jabbed) and work out some catering - 'Cook' meals or similar. Does she have friends or family locally who could drop off meals?

I find it a bit odd that the baton is falling to you. Again.