AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

[luvvaduck]

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

I’m just wondering what the operation is that you have to lie face down for a week.

Eye surgery & need to lie face down for a week ?

Really ?

I know people that had cataract surgery & were driving 3 days later !

Could she book into a hotel with food provided ?

I would, if I could...

I think she's trying to save face because in a way, it is embarrassing to have to ask for help baccarat there's no one else.

I'd think of her like family. Someone you don't necessarily have anything in common with, but a (sort of) shared history and who you put yourself out for if you can.

A whole host of people in their 30s and 40s haven't managed to grasp that working from home is actually working, including members of the government and many people's own management. Hoping an elderly, infirm lady is going to get it is a big ask. And as said, she might be saying it to save face. Hammering home how much work it is will only make her reluctant to ask for help.

If you cannot do it you'll just have to say you can't, and hopefully she's got some family who can start to do so. Or, you can do it, but how you handle your workload is going to be up to you.

I would say Work won’t allow it as the amount of cooking/care required meant you couldn’t do your job properly? You could say the were understanding the first time but told it was a one off.

You are very kind to do it the first time.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 A Holiday!🤣🤣🤣🤣
fuck me, she's taking the piss.

unless she meant it tongue in cheek.

Do you want to go op?

Has she supported you similarly when you've needed her?

Dear Molly. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I am very happy to come and care for you when you need help. I can come as before and be there for you around my work demands. I think as before, I will be able to fit my work in around your needs. I wont be taking holiday to do this as I plan to have a week away in September when I will no responsibilities and no thinking to do, I can't wait!! Do let me know if there is anything you need me to bring with me this time.

OP, it truly cheers me up that there are good people like you out in the world.

I wonder if she is embarrassed about needing help. Obviously care work isn't anything like a holiday.

If you feel inclined to do this again I would be clear that you don't have time for a holiday but if she wants a carer again you would be fine with helping her.

It sounds a bit condescending, like she's saying its a holiday because your own location/home isn't as nice as hers.

I think I would reply saying yes and add 'I'm having a sense of humour failure about calling it a holiday, when I will have all my usual work to do and more. So maybe we need to call it a care-cation...'

Did she show any gratitude for the last time you worked for her? I say worked because that's what it was, unpaid work.

I think you need to question why you are being so accommodating. You aren't friends, you have a very tenuous connection, she isn't asking nicely, if she didn't buy you a gift or treat you after helping last time I'd give it a swerve this time.

I've had that eye surgery, a vitrectomy with lens replacement for a detached retina.

The posturing requires you to keep your head in the same position for 50 mins out of every hour for approx 72 hrs, for me that position flaws facedown, some people need to lay on side or back.

I was able to cope with a 3 yr because the rule wasn't actually to lay on your front non stop, it was to keep your nose parallel to the ground so as long as I bent my head towards the floor I could still move around.

The surgery didn't actually hurt and there was no pain tin the recovery. Once I could stand up straight it was just a matter of putting lots of drops in and having a really red eye with limited vision, but the other one did the job just fine so I could still see well enough to do everything and I was back at work after a few days.

There's no way I would have needed round the clock support for 2 weeks.

I am generally in good health though and have no other disabilities or mobility issues so if there are other mitigating factors that may affect her recovery.

Having said all of that, and back to the original post, no this wouldn't be a holiday for you if she is going to be expecting to be waited on hand and foot.

@D1rect10nDu0

Eye surgery & need to lie face down for a week ?

Really ?

I know people that had cataract surgery & were driving 3 days later !

Could she book into a hotel with food provided ?

She's not having cataracts done and yes, lying face down is a required part of the recovery for certainly conditions. I googled it because it sounded odd to me, but it's not:

www.ouh.nhs.uk/patient-guide/leaflets/files/100322vitrectomyrecovery.pdf

I think the negative responses have helped me make up my mind to say yes. And thank you, Palavah, for showing me how I can say yes but also point out that this is not going to be a holiday — though I may take the second week as leave from work so that if she's okay I can go out and about and actually have a bit of a break.

Thanks, this has helped me work through my immediate 'ouch' response and find a more constructive way to deal with it.

It's not as easy as it first seems.

Oh, please! It doesn't make any sense for you to go. And she's not going to get bloody Covid. You'd have to be a total walkover to go and do this again. She sees it as doing you some sort of favour. She doesn't value what you do.

I like @ChateauMargaux response. Kind, but makes the point that it is most definitely not a holiday.
Ultimately it sounds like an old lady trying to convince herself that she's not being a burden, but staying with someone after an operation is a big thing to do and I wouldn't want it minimised either.

If you are happy to go then maybe getting her to acknowledge it’s not a holiday may help.

YANBU to want to yell it, though I agree with pp that it's likely in-part a face saving measure so it would be unreasonable to actually say so directly unless she really starts leaning into that.

I've known others who did the same. It's annoying when you both know its you signing up for a bunch of extra work and a lot of travel, but I think it's easier, feels lighter/easier to say, almost a defense mechanism to frame it that way. I don't think it makes it any easier on the person being asked to help, but I see why some try to sugarcoat the situation around them that way.

I would help, like you say you could call on her if you were in need. Be honest though, I would say ‘ha holiday indeed, you are funny. Happy to come and help, perhaps we should look into getting prepped meals delivered this time as I struggled to keep up with work last year’.

@D1rect10nDu0

Eye surgery & need to lie face down for a week ?

Really ?

I know people that had cataract surgery & were driving 3 days later !

Could she book into a hotel with food provided ?

They remove the vitreous fluid from your eye then replace it with a gas bubble. The gas bubble needs to press up against the repair that they do in the back of the eye to hold it still like a plaster so you have to stay facedown. Otherwise it's like repeatedly pulling a plaster off of a healing wound and expecting it to stay closed.

OP you need to say ‘oh I’d love to treat myself to a holiday at yours but I can’t afford the luxury at the moment’

I'd decline. Shes taking the piss. She can get a carer to be tested and then come and stay for the couple of weeks. It's very odd that she'd expect you to do it in the first place given you are not close friends. If you actually want to do it and be in the same position again and again as her needs increase later on in life, then go for it. But do mention that you certainly did not consider your last trip as a holiday. The fact you both helped out each other's parents is irrelevant. You don't owe her.

I think you’re an incredibly kind and generous woman. You just need to make it clear that, despite it being a holiday destination, you have to work while you’re there and make it very clear it’s a favour.

I don't think she's taking the mic at all, with your shared history she obviously considers you family. The "holiday" insinuation would annoy me too though, I think I would text back:

Holiday, as if . I'd be happy to come to care for you whilst I'm working from your home.

Do you think she would stay with you for 4 weeks and wait on you hand and foot?

I would also say yes OP, however I would probably word in a way like ‘ Hi Friend. I will be happy to come and provide care for you while you are unwell’ possibly adding on ‘ it’s not much of a holiday though, while your house and the area is lovely, I will be working from home and providing care for you, it’s not a walk in the park to do both at once! Much love hope you’re well blah blah blah…’