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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

261 replies

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:38

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
Iliketeaagain · 02/07/2021 13:38

Surely part of the pre-op prep from the hospital is being clear about what support she has at home in order to be able to lie down for that length of time.

I wonder if they asked her at the hospital and she said it was fine, she had someone she could ask to help her rather than saying she didn't have any support, in which case the pre-op clinic should have sign posted her to help which may be available for her to arrange at home (private carers for a week or 2, for example). Thinking you would just say yes.

Of course it would be a kind thing to do, but equally it's not a holiday, it's basically live-in care. Plus it's a bit cheeky to ask a friend to come an help you out and that includes daily cleaning, laundry etc rather than just preparing a meal.

Fuggly · 02/07/2021 13:38

My partner had this type of eye procedure just 2 months ago. A week after he developed an infection in the eye and had to have it repeated. He is on the mend now but had to have 5 weeks off work. I looked after everything during this time ( happy to obviously!) whilst wfh part time. It was quite hard work. I know for certain he would do the same for me.

I think you would be very kind to do this - its definitely not a holiday particularly whilst working as well.

MaBroon21 · 02/07/2021 13:42

Op, I’d do it and I wouldn’t care about how many people might think I’m a mug for doing so. I’d also assume she was saving fave by referring to the stay as a holiday.

I think the situation is one of those things that people will either understand or they won’t and never the Twain shall meet.

TableFlowerss · 02/07/2021 13:45

You’re a better person than me then. I’m obviously a bit of a twat but I wouldn’t have gone the first time, never mind the second 🙈

It’s obviously a nice thing to do but I couldn’t imagine asking anyone for that sort of help… surely she has her own friends? Family? Yes covid restrictions are in place but if a friend of hers went to look after her popped in on her etc that wold totally fine as it would be classed as essential.

Don’t feel bad for saying no Jesus, you’ve already gone over and above….

TakeMe2Insanity · 02/07/2021 13:45

I think in your position before I went I’d be clear that it’s care work/assistance etc it certainly isn’t a holiday because she lives in a holiday area.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 13:47

Yes covid restrictions are in place but if a friend of hers went to look after her popped in on her etc that wold totally fine as it would be classed as essential. It doesn't sound like the issue is breaching covid rules so much as the risk of contracting it if those friends are going into and out of the office, their kids are in school, they're out and about places. And what if they suddenly have to isolate two days in? Because not everyone can just find 4k to pay for help

osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/07/2021 13:48

Or she's lonely and alone, having surgery that's scary to her and doesn't want to go through it all alone. Her and Op have an unusual bond but wouldn't the world be nicer if we all cared a little more for others

I care about my friends so much there's no way I'd ask them to provide what you'd pay a professional in the region of £1-£2k to do and then tell them it was a holiday and ask them to provide it again. That's not a kind thing to do.

Sexlife · 02/07/2021 13:53

I wouldn't do it. You have done it once, very kindly... say no.

MaggieFS · 02/07/2021 13:53

It's very kind of you. I think you probably need to say something like 'Holiday? Now there's a good idea! What a shame I didn't have a chance for one last time, but I'll try this time to have a bit of a break myself from work and looking after you'.

Oakmaiden · 02/07/2021 13:56

*If we weren't chalk and cheese in our interests and tastes we might have been close friends

grin Sorry, but that makes no sense!!*

See, it does to me.

Like siblings who don't spend much time socialising as they have very different interests and maybe values, but who still have bonds of love and shared history.

kerryleigh · 02/07/2021 13:56

I only wanted to say that you are a wonderful human being! Flowers
Maybe she only wanted to be funny, make light of the situation

libertybonds · 02/07/2021 13:57

You sound lovely, OP. How kind of you.

Cafepurff · 02/07/2021 13:58

It probably makes her feel better about asking for your help referring to it as a ‘holiday’ than will you come and care for me. If I was in her situation I’d probably feel quite uneasy about asking you as it is a big ask and it sounds like she doesn’t have anyone else.

Maybe responded with ‘of course I am happy to help, I wouldn’t exactly call it a holiday though 😂’ maybe that will be enough for her to not say it again.

You sound lovely btw OP.

IntroducingMyLadyGarden · 02/07/2021 14:00

I would want to gently reframe what you are doing in order to be able to do it feeling appreciated and not taken advantage of.
Minimising it as a holiday for you might make it easier for her to ask you, but it massively under-appreciates what it is you are doing, and shifts that discomfort onto you.
She may not be aware of this.
If you really feel you have a genuine sisterly relationship, you want to do this, and she would do the same for you, I would consider it but not if she thinks you're getting a holiday. Living in a holiday destination doesn't mean that's your experienvce!
The reason you want to know she is capable of appreciating you is that if she has a chronic condition like diabetes you could find yourself tied into a dynamic that gets harder and harder to extricate yourself from. It needs to be seen as a BIG favour on both sides if it is to happen at all. Which doesn't mean you can't graciously and generously help... but being gracious is so much easier when it is recognised as such.

HairyToity · 02/07/2021 14:01

You sound lovely OP. It's heartwarming to read of your kindness. Agree it's not a holiday.

FinallyHere · 02/07/2021 14:03

Realise I missed off the link I suggested

https://www.homeinstead.co.uk

Just to compare what you are taking on, live in carers will attend to personal care needs, including as required dressing/undressing, washing/toileting. They will shop, cook and clear up meals and drinks, support with indication and keep the place tidy.

They will expect weekly cleaners and gardeners as required

TableFlowerss · 02/07/2021 14:05

@SleepingStandingUp

Yes covid restrictions are in place but if a friend of hers went to look after her popped in on her etc that wold totally fine as it would be classed as essential. It doesn't sound like the issue is breaching covid rules so much as the risk of contracting it if those friends are going into and out of the office, their kids are in school, they're out and about places. And what if they suddenly have to isolate two days in? Because not everyone can just find 4k to pay for help
Not really sure what you’re getting at tbh.

Are you saying she couldn’t ask her own friends incase they have to isolate?.. what’s that got to do with £4K fees?

Either way, it’s not the OPs concern, they arent even friends

Susannahmoody · 02/07/2021 14:05

The words 'carpet' and 'mug' spring to mind quite frankly

godmum56 · 02/07/2021 14:08

Is it only the words which are annoying you? Does she expect gratitude for the holiday? There are people who find it INCREDIBLY hard to ask for help. Would you be thinking differently if she said "please i need your help again" Could she afford to pay for some cleaning? Could you use convenience meals for at least some of the time?
I think people who haven't WFH think its all a breeze and not like real work but it isn't.

anotherday235 · 02/07/2021 14:09

I think you are v kind. The use of holiday is a bit annoying. I would have thought she was being ironic though!!

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 02/07/2021 14:10

I wonder if she feels a bit embarrassed to be asking or is worried she seems like a burden so has told herself that is a bit of a holiday for you. You sound lovely, OP. She is a lucky lady.

godmum56 · 02/07/2021 14:11

@Oakmaiden

*If we weren't chalk and cheese in our interests and tastes we might have been close friends

grin Sorry, but that makes no sense!!*

See, it does to me.

Like siblings who don't spend much time socialising as they have very different interests and maybe values, but who still have bonds of love and shared history.

yup, one of my sibs and i have zero in common, had very different lives, live at a distance, haven't met for years but we chat loads by phone and text and yes there is a close bond.
Maggiesfarm · 02/07/2021 14:13

Well, it's work, not a holiday but I doubt she meant anything untoward, op. It was just a clumsy way of putting things. She probably thinks she was being lighthearted.

I would certainly help a friend in those circumstances but I would want some time off during my stay to go out a bit.

WhoDidAndWhy · 02/07/2021 14:14

You are such a good person OP. It is lovely of you to be so willing to help. I’m sure she will assist you too if ever you needed it.

I would respond and politely point out that it won’t be a holiday for you but of course you’re happy to come and care for her whilst you work from her home.

crimsonlake · 02/07/2021 14:18

I think you are being very kind, my only concern is that she may become more of a demenading burden to you as you both get older. So I would keep that in mind going forward.