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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

261 replies

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:38

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 02/07/2021 14:20

My mother in law and her brother both had eye surgery for a macular hole and had to lie face down for a week.
I also think this is too much for her to ask of you.

kateluvscats · 02/07/2021 14:21

I'm interested to know what eye surgery requires a prone position for one week afterwards. This is not necessary for any eye operation I can think off including cataracts. Ask her the medical name of the procedure then Google the aftercare.

SuspendedInTime · 02/07/2021 14:22

Sounds like a nice relationship, more like family than friends.

YANBU to object to the term 'holiday' but if you feel she would do the same for you and it is a nice place for a 'visit' (rather than holiday) then it might be worth doing. You never know when you will need her help in the future. Just compromise in calling it a 'visit' or 'stay' maybe.

SpeakingFranglais · 02/07/2021 14:24

I would say yes but I would also make a point of saying of course I will come and care for you but let’s agree it isn’t a holiday for me!

kateluvscats · 02/07/2021 14:24

www.nhs.uk/conditions/macular-hole/

Even for macular surgery there's no mention of being prone.

EvilPromPrincess · 02/07/2021 14:28

I believe you’re busy for the next year aren’t you op? Diary now full after we had restrictions for so long?

Ha yeah do that OP! Lol, it's funny because she's vulnerableand has no family. get it? So she'll just be on her own while recovering from eye surgery while vulnerablein a pandemic! My sides.

I'm glad you decided to help OP, she sounds like a good sort, that your parents relied on and saw her as a daughter and I would want to help too. She might simply be ashamed of her situation and trying to not feel pathetic at having to ask someone for help. Some people really struggle. Or she may well have been being ironic. I assume she was appreciativelast time?Unless she really was treating you as a skivvy I think you're doing the right thing.

ilovepuggies · 02/07/2021 14:30

It depends on whether you can / want to do it?
Maybe a compromise and saying you can be around for part of it and then she will have to figure out the other part herself.
She needs to have other support options as it’s not fair to solely rely on you.
I would also be saying that last time definitely was not a holiday in any shape or form and that you came to look after her and help her out and that’s not your idea of a holiday.
Would you call upon her if you needed care at some point in your life?

Dozer · 02/07/2021 14:35

You say you could ‘call on her’, should you wish to, but would you wish to, and would she do for you what you’ve already done for her?

Seems unlikely. V few people would, for anyone except very close family and friends, IMO.

Bimblybomeyelash · 02/07/2021 14:36

You are very kind OP.
I would just say that you can’t take it as holiday as you have too much on at work, but you are happy to come and work from her house and assist her. And maybe you could come and stay for a holiday another time when she is well!

MaBroon21 · 02/07/2021 14:37

I'm interested to know what eye surgery requires a prone position for one week afterwards. This is not necessary for any eye operation I can think off including cataracts. Ask her the medical name of the procedure then Google the aftercare

It was explained pages back.

Killahangilion · 02/07/2021 14:51

OP, you sound lovely and kind.

I find it sad that so many posters would not do a favour for someone that they’re not related to. I’m guessing that these are the same sort of people who never volunteer their services to charitable organisations, PTA, etc.

Whatever happened to community spirit and neighbourliness?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 02/07/2021 14:53

She doesn't want to admit she needs help so is calling it a holiday. Dont focus on that just decide if you want to do it or not.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 02/07/2021 14:54

ETA I would do it.

Susannahmoody · 02/07/2021 15:00

. So it does make sense for me to go

^

Whaaattttttt

Susannahmoody · 02/07/2021 15:01

Whatever happened to community spirit and neighbourliness?

^

She lives 200 miles away!

aloris · 02/07/2021 15:09

I think she meant it ironically. She knows it's a burden. What you might do is, near the end of your stay, or after you leave, have a gentle talk with her about what you both will do as you get older in terms of providing for your own care. You both need to ensure you don't burn out your ability to provide caregiving for each other.

Sssloou · 02/07/2021 15:14

I think you should listen to your gut which has you “yelling”, your exhausted appraisal of the month of dedicated care you gave last year and also you repeatedly said you were like chalk and cheese ..... and then why you deny these feelings for some level of obligation. Are you a people pleaser? Were you able to set boundaries when the last stint morphed into a month - were you able to ask for cleaners, prepared food etc then?

What does being like chalk and cheese mean in practice? Do you have very different value systems and boundaries - would you have had these expectations of anyone?

I am not surprised that she doesn’t have local “friends” to help out - seems that they give her the swerve.

Heneage · 02/07/2021 15:24

@o8T8o

She has friends who have children or who look after grandchildren. Friends who might be able to pop in twice a day — but maybe not when she needs them are wise to her and made their excuses before she could get her claws in
Whereas posts like these make me want to give up on humanity
DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 02/07/2021 15:25

@luvvaduck - you sound like a really nice person.

Sounds like you get on with your friend like a sister - you're not particularly close or well matched but you have a strong bond.

borntobequiet · 02/07/2021 15:29

When I need someone to come and care for me, I wouldn't worry about calling on her.

I wonder how reliable she’d be? I have a lovely caring friend, always doing things for others but perpetually being let down by them in return.

stillcrazyafterall · 02/07/2021 15:41

You're fortunate that your company allows you to work from other places, I'm CS and we can WFH but not any random address.

And how will she cope going to the toilet, showering etc?

And would she do the same for you?

Rockitrosie · 02/07/2021 15:48

You are too nice OP - say no. She’s not even your friend fgs! (I wouldn’t even do this for my friends - sorry!) just tell her you have too much on with work and she should look at hiring a private nurse.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/07/2021 15:49

I can't believe you did this once never mind that you're considering doing it again.

This is paid work or something you do for those you love.

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 15:51

Just catching up. Nothing I can say to those who say you don't need to lie prone after eye surgery, except to that she's been told she needs to make provision for this and it'll be a fabulous bonus if once it's done they decide she doesn't need to do it after all, or only for a few days. Perhaps they tell you the worst-case scenario so you're ready for it.

I'm pretty certain that if I needed help she'd be there: she was always consistent when we were making arrangements for our parents. Anyway, thanks again for helping me work out where I am on this.

I don't think I'm particularly kind or special. Millions of people helping others out every day. I don't have children or grandchildren to care for so I can make space for others.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 02/07/2021 15:53

she should look at hiring a private nurse

Of course she should. Why not have two while she’s at it? Clearly you have idea what that would cost - it would be cheaper to book into The Ritz for a week.