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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

261 replies

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:38

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
sueelleker · 02/07/2021 13:15

@D1rect10nDu0

Eye surgery & need to lie face down for a week ?

Really ?

I know people that had cataract surgery & were driving 3 days later !

Could she book into a hotel with food provided ?

I had detached retinas repaired, and all I had to do was not bend over too much.
Teacupsandtoast · 02/07/2021 13:17

Tbf to her, if I was asking, I'd probably phrase it as 'fancy another 'holiday' winkemoji at mine as I need to have x done, it made such a huge difference having you here last year' etc etc - so I suspect it was just clumsy wording?

Blossomtoes · 02/07/2021 13:17

I know people that had cataract surgery & were driving 3 days later !

They were fucking stupid then. I was told not to even think about driving for at least three weeks.

Athinginitself · 02/07/2021 13:18

I think if you can take the 2nd week off work and have some plans made for that week it'll make the whole thing more bearable, you can still help her out but have some time out of the house to try and enjoy the area.

ThunderBitch · 02/07/2021 13:19

YANBU but I agree with PP that she may be saying it to save face, or out of embarrassment. I think if she doesn't otherwise make you feel taken advantage of, then I would put it down to embarrassment. People do find it hard to admit they need help and it sounds like she is quite vulnerable. But you could let her know it's not a holiday for you if you feel the need to clarify the situation. You're very kind to be helping her.

TokyoSushi · 02/07/2021 13:20

It sounds like you're inclined to go which is good of you but I'd send a lighthearted reply kike:

'No time for a holiday at the moment but if you'd like me to come and work from your house and help you out then I'll happily do so!'

SmokeyDevil · 02/07/2021 13:21

Even your link suggests she doesn't need round the clock care. It says buy ready meals to make cooking easier, walking is possible for short periods as long as you don't look up etc. She doesn't need your help, she is being a bit lazy to be honest and wants a free servant for a week.

Good luck op. You're a pushover and you'll be forever doing this until you're physically incapable (even then she'll expect you to care for her).

WeegieWan · 02/07/2021 13:22

@D1rect10nDu0

Eye surgery & need to lie face down for a week ?

Really ?

I know people that had cataract surgery & were driving 3 days later !

Could she book into a hotel with food provided ?

Sounds like she is having macular hole surgery - I had this and you do have to stay face down for a week. You also can't see properly and its really inconvenient to not have someone around to help with cooking & shopping and just to have company to be honest - it's a very dull week...

OP if you are able and want to help her, could you perhaps reply along the lines of 'you gave me a good laugh with your description of it as a holiday though, I do love your sense of irony as we are both long enough in the tooth to know it won't be that! However nevertheless I am happy to help etc etc?

Wilma55 · 02/07/2021 13:23

I had to be face down for 50 minutes of every hour after eye surgery. I prepared ready meals etc and went to loo, warmed food, made tea in the ten minutes.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 13:23

@luvvaduck I think you're lovely and it's a really kind thing to do. If more people like we're in the world, we'd all be happier.

I'd reply and say you'll need to work from her home so like last time, between that and helping her there won't be any holiday time off but perhaps you can stay a second week so you get see some of the local area. It's making your point but in a gentle way

HoppingPavlova · 02/07/2021 13:23

Why can’t she organise nursing home care for this period. There are live in nurses she can get via agencies that would be Covid tested.

D1rect10nDu0 · 02/07/2021 13:24

The hospital advised if the patient could read a car number plate at 20+ metres distance, they could drive

They could, so they drove

There was no 3 week restriction

Zilla1 · 02/07/2021 13:24

It's kind of you and YANBU but I don't think she's pretending it's a holiday, rather it's a means of managing imposing on you. If you must, could you respond at the right time with some care-based requirements - 'I'll need to have a negative PCR test if I'll be staying to care. If you have any other carers come in then they'll also need to test and manage their risks with the children'. I'd try not to but if it makes things feel more appropriate?

Good luck and well done.

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 13:24

So what you say is that you might have been friends we're it not for the fact that there is no basis for a friendship you have nothing in common...
She's taking the piss, she's had two big favours out of you, I would decline this one and see if she will do something for you for nothing...

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2021 13:25

@SmokeyDevil

Even your link suggests she doesn't need round the clock care. It says buy ready meals to make cooking easier, walking is possible for short periods as long as you don't look up etc. She doesn't need your help, she is being a bit lazy to be honest and wants a free servant for a week.

Good luck op. You're a pushover and you'll be forever doing this until you're physically incapable (even then she'll expect you to care for her).

Or she's lonely and alone, having surgery that's scary to her and doesn't want to go through it all alone. Her and Op have an unusual bond but wouldn't the world be nicer if we all cared a little more for others
Howshouldibehave · 02/07/2021 13:26

If we weren't chalk and cheese in our interests and tastes we might have been close friends

Grin Sorry, but that makes no sense!!

Summerfun54321 · 02/07/2021 13:27

I’d pretend to misunderstand and write “happy to come and help you out for another week whilst working. That’s very kind of you to offer a holiday as well but I won’t have time to be away any longer after the week of working/caring.” Or something like that.

o8T8o · 02/07/2021 13:27

She has friends who have children or who look after grandchildren. Friends who might be able to pop in twice a day — but maybe not when she needs them are wise to her and made their excuses before she could get her claws in

HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 02/07/2021 13:28

I think the pp way up at the top had it right - she's just saving face a bit and trying not to make it sound like the absolutely massive huge favour that it actually is!
If you don't mind doing it, and think she would reciprocate, then it would be extremely nice of you to do so OP.
You are a very, very kind person :)

D1rect10nDu0 · 02/07/2021 13:28

OK so some people have confirmed that there is a requirement to lay down

Op has been very kind & helpful in the past

Does your friend buy you anything for all your help ? Meal, chocolates or a bottle of wine to show her appreciation?

It is your decision
Can you do one week & someone else do another week ?

VanGoghsDog · 02/07/2021 13:28

Daily cleaning? Nah.

I'd go and stay, and help, cook etc. But I'd only do essential cleaning - change beds and towels once a week, clean loo.

It's very kind of you to do it, I'm sure she doesn't expect you to clean. I'd go again but I'd probably say "ha, I wish it was a holiday, I felt like I needed one after last time!".

FinallyHere · 02/07/2021 13:28

I've thought about this a lot.

I suspect that you are allowing her to take advantage of your good nature. I WFH and would definitely not have time to also care for someone as you describe.

If I genuinely felt that I wanted to do this act of service for her, I would take the time off as holiday and explain that I had done do exactly because two jobs are just too much.

Whether I wanted to do that would depend a lot on how much she appreciated my service. From what you read, I don't get that impression. It may just be lost, you are there so only you really know.

My test would be, should she do it for me? I'd ask her for some serious help and judge from her reaction to my request. I'd bet cold, hard cash that she won't do it for you.

I would love to be proved wrong in this

There are people who provide very good services for exactly this situation. Roughly speaking we paid £2k per week, including all found cost of travel (but nothing time of travel).

Zilla1 · 02/07/2021 13:29

There are some surgical procedures where what the OP reports is exactly correct. PMSL at the 'I/my friend had an operation on my eye and didn't have to lie face down for a week. She can't have to, obviously'.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 02/07/2021 13:33

I think you are being very kind.

But definitely say it’s hard work and can she organise a cleaner and pay for Cook meals / takeaways for part of the week.

thevassal · 02/07/2021 13:38

Op you sound lovely. I don't think there's any harm at all in saying something like "holiday? Haha! Chance would be a fine thing! I'll be working throughout like last time so won't have any free time but of course I'm happy to come and help if you need it." I also think it would be fine for yoh to add that you found it a lot of work last time so ask if she'd be up for paying for a takeaway or hello fresh delivery or something to reduce your workload.

Hopefully as the pp who has had the same surgery said she won't actually need hand and foot care for the whole two weeks and you will have a bit of freedom.