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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

261 replies

luvvaduck · 02/07/2021 12:38

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 04/07/2021 11:05

A holiday?! That’s not a holiday. I would decline and explain that last time it wasn’t a “holiday”. That it was tiring and not even slightly restful. Has she always been a CF?

PerciphonePuma · 04/07/2021 11:06

@SleepingStandingUp OP has already stated that they're "not exactly friends" so calling her someone OP cares about is a bit of a stretch

rookiemere · 04/07/2021 11:14

Is now a good time to remind people that the handy funnel on the top right hand side means you can read all of OPs posts including her most recent update ?

notacooldad · 04/07/2021 11:34

A holiday?! That’s not a holiday. I would decline and explain that last time it wasn’t a “holiday”. That it was tiring and not even slightly restful. Has she always been a CF?
You're not up to speed with Ops posts are you EL8888?

exaltedwombat · 04/07/2021 13:05

Do it if you want to. Do it if you don't really want to but would feel like a better person if you did. Or if you believe in 'paying it forward'. Or any other reason. Don't rationalise your reluctance as being about the word 'holiday'.

ArtAttackAck · 04/07/2021 13:50

There is a saying, that if you have 5 friends that you can contact in any emergency, then they are worth their weight in gold

This lady is very lucky to have you as a friend

AnnieSnap · 04/07/2021 14:11

@luvvaduck

Steady on now. It's very kind of people to be so positive about me but I don't imagine I'm any more kind or lovely than the average person. I certainly wasn't feeling kind and lovely when I started this thread.
But you really are though 🙂 💐
aloris · 04/07/2021 14:49

You sound lovely. Helping her after her surgery will enable her to keep her eyesight which will help her remain independent. You don't have an obligation to help her, and given her health conditions, there will probably come a point where you cannot feasibly help her. But helping her now will delay that time, hopefully for many years.

flyingspaghettimonster · 04/07/2021 15:59

I think I’d do it as a birthday/memorial gift to your parents and their friends. I would know they’d be happy about it.

Sure, it isn’t a holiday, and you can make a jokey reference to that if you want, but by caring for each other’s parents you became like cousins, she may not be a friend, but she is ‘family’.

HildegardNightingale · 04/07/2021 18:17

Flowers for you for being such a lovely person.

Adarajames · 04/07/2021 18:27

@luvvaduck you do sound really lovely and generous with your time, wish you were my friend too!😊

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