AIBU to want to yell 'This isn't a holiday'?

[luvvaduck]

My parents lived for more than 40 years next door to a couple their age with whom they became close friends. I got to know them too, and over the years as they all aged and needed support I was in regular touch with their daughter and she with me. We weren't exactly friends — nothing much in common — but we pooled resources to look after them all and it worked well.

The last of our parents died in 2019 but we kept in touch. We're both divorced, live alone and we both work full-time. Last year she asked me if I'd go and assist her after she broke her leg badly: she said there was no one else she felt she could ask in the light of Covid restrictions and so I arranged to work from her home (she lives 200 miles away) for a few weeks while she recovered. It was okay — she has a very nice house in a holiday area — but it was hard work. I struggled to fit in all my 'work' work on top of helping to look after her and the daily cooking and cleaning etc. I was there for nearly four weeks before she could manage independently.

Now she's asked if I'd go back for 'another holiday' as she puts it. She's having eye surgery and will need to lie face down for a week afterwards and will need possibly another week's general assistance after that. I can do what I did last time — work from her home.

I don't mind going. I know it's hard to find reliable support, particularly during Covid restrictions. She's a Type 1 diabetic and deemed to still be vulnerable, despite jabs, so having me tested and then living there for a fortnight will be safer for her than having a series of carers through the house. I get all that and feel sympathetic. But I hate the way she describes it as a holiday! It's care work. I don't mind doing it, but it's not a holiday! AIBU? What would you do?

My guess is that she probably recognises you are doing her a big favour but maybe feels a bit guilty about it, and her calling it a holiday is making her feel better about the whole situation.

In your shoes I think I would be up front that it is a bit of a hassle, but in a kind way, and make sure she knew I wanted to be there for her (if that is the case!)

@D1rect10nDu0

Eye surgery & need to lie face down for a week ?

Really ?

I know people that had cataract surgery & were driving 3 days later !

Could she book into a hotel with food provided ?

I think you have to do that with a detached retina.

Ok blossomtoes maybe not a private nurse but just someone like a live-in housekeeper for a few days who can take her meals and help her to the loo. I’m sure employment agencies would be able to help with something like this.

But Ultimately it’s not the Op’s problem is it? She obviously doesn’t want to do it!

@kateluvscats
Op has said what the surgery is and has googled the aftercare.

I would do it if I could. You sound fantastic. The “holiday” reference is slightly offputting, though. The OP and the neighbour are of similar ages, I assume. There will be a lot of problems in society with providing care for single people as time goes on. Not everyone has family to help out, and care in the U.K. seems pretty dependent on having family members to care for you.

She obviously doesn’t want to do it!

But she’s going to ...

I think I would agree, but give her a gentle nudge that it is not a holiday, but focus on the fact that you'll be working, not the extra work that caring for her entails. "Of course, I am more than happy to help. As much as I'd love a holiday I don't have annual leave to take, so I'll be bringing my work, like I did last time."

Maybe it was a bit of a joke that it was a 'holiday' just because it's somewhere different to where you live? Sort of tongue in cheek?

I would go and do it. You might not be friends as you say but you do seem like friends. Maybe not very close but still friends.

It's not a holiday, no. I think either she was trying to downplay the care you would have to give as she feels embarrassed to have to ask you or she's just joking because she knows it's not a holiday.

I would go and make sure she is looked after but also you need to make sure you get you work done. The main household jobs like hoovering etc will need to be done in the evening.

could you text back and say haha, my holidays dont tend to involve that much work xx

I'd do it as I think it's a friendship that's almost like family for both of you. I would say, "Sorry, can't take holiday time - like last time I'll have to work my usual hours." I'd also ask her to book a cleaner at the end of each week so that you don't have to do that on top of caring for her and your work. You sound like a really good friend.

a relative of mine had to lie down for several days after his eye op. It depends what it is theyre doing.

Well I think having someone you can count on for stuff like this is invaluable, and while you don't need her atm your time might come. She is obviously very grateful, and that comment sounds a bit tongue in cheek to me. I'm sure she knows you're doing a lot of work. If she makes that comment again I'd say something like 'I wish! I'll need a holiday after this!' and let it go at that. She probably doesn't feel great having to rely on you as it is.

@tanstaafl

I’m just wondering what the operation is that you have to lie face down for a week.

Me too!

I'm afraid the incrediblly rude and tactless reference to "another holiday" would entirely freeze any remaining goodwill. I'd reply

  "I'm afraid I don't have any holiday left this year.  However,   perhaps we could come to a different arrangement?   If I could arrange to  take unpaid leave from work,    so that I was in fact "on holiday"   in your house,   that would be a lot less  stressful and complicated for me.  

But as I would be losing income I depend on, I would need you to fully compensate for it. at £250 per day. "

It's here, @Couldhavebeenme2 - you have to lie face down for two weeks after an operation for a detached retina.

Here

Some ody already put my first thought down which is " I wonder if she is doing it to save face?" I thought she may be embarrassed about being a person who needs so much support.
It can be a hard bridge to cross to say you have become dependent on people for health care needs if you have previously been independent.

@kateluvscats

www.nhs.uk/conditions/macular-hole/

Even for macular surgery there's no mention of being prone.

Here you go

Vitrectomy - www.ouh.nhs.uk/patient-guide/leaflets/files/100322vitrectomyrecovery.pdf

You do sound very kind OP. I would agree with others though that you ask her to arrange a cleaner to come in once a week and also buys in a load of M&S ready meals so you don't need to do loads of cooking.

Then you can do your work, and have time to give her any assistance she might need like clothes-washing. If she can take herself to the toilet/wash herself there isn't that much else to do is there? I'd be happy to be company and wash up etc but wouldn't do "care".

Thank goodness for people like you Op. As you have already said you want to help her and that you are sure she would do the same for you then In your position I would do the same. I would, however, tactfully and gently point out that that it was not a holiday last time and won't be this time. Obviously you know best whether this is her way of being embarrassed about asking for such a huge favour or whether she is a bit deluded in thinking you really are having a holiday while in reality playing the part of an unpaid carer, cleaner and cook. My level of bluntness in pointing out these facts would depend on her attitude, it may be that you just need to use humour to point out the blindingly obvious. She is probably feeling frightened and vulnerable at the thought of the operation and being alone at home while recovering. In any case the world would be a much more compassionate place with more people like you in it.

@kateluvscats if she doesn't have one recommend that she gets a sun lounger with face hole or hires a massage table (that lowers for ease of access).

I had a sun lounger as too cheap to hire a massage table and an under bed storage box which slid underneath. I filled the box with books, colouring in, crossword puzzles, my iPad, snack bars and anything else I would be able to do laying facedown. I also slept on the lounger as couldn't sleep with my face mashed into the mattress.

I also got a weird contraption that I can't remember the name of, it was designed for sleeping sitting up in cars or planes and had a rest that went on your knee and then a poseable face hole. It's actually really hard to hold your head bent for long periods of time as your head is heavy and makes your shoulders and neck hurt so having something to take the weight was more comfortable.

Hey OP, I understand why you want to do it, but also why it’s important to you that the magnitude of what you are doing is recognised too.

I think some others have suggested wording, but another alternative might be:

Hi Jane,
I’m sorry to hear about this, but glad you have a medical plan to get you back on your feet.
I’ve spoken to work, and whilst I don’t have the annual leave available to use, it seems possible for me to work remotely from your home again, and to come and stay for X weeks in a carer role for you. However, I found it a bit tricky last time to get all my work done, and caring and home responsibilities, so I wondered, could we discuss a few things to make the logistics easier? Perhaps to have a cleaner in once a week/organising a food delievery slot/spending the weekend before the surgery making some meals for the freezer, in order to take the pressure off a bit?

Let’s chat on the weekend and organize it properly. I’m happy to help, and items good to work through these issues now. If I ever end up getting my wisdom teeth out* I’ll be calling you asking for a return favour, and I’ll know what cleaner and food shopping etc to arrange for you in advance!

*insert potential medical issue of yours here

*items should be ‘it would be good’

It will get worse as she gets even older. I would just politely say you cannot help this time and wish her well.

Sorry that should have been to @luvvaduck

I'd do it too OP, and I'm glad you've decided you will. I agree with PPs that she's probably just embarrassed to have to ask you again and so is trying to put a positive spin on it.