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AIBU?

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Original poster

Thinking husband is wrong to "punish" daughter for refusing to do covid test

243 replies

Niffler2019 · 01/07/2021 16:44

Hi my daughter is 8 and yesterday afternoon we had the dreaded text from her brownies leader to inform us one of the girls who had been at brownies on Tuesday evening had tested positive for covid. I got the text at 3pm Wednesday so dd had already been to school and I didn't know in that situation what we're supposed to do regarding isolating/testing.

We've spoken to NHS 119, school and girl guiding but none of them will advise on whether she should be isolating or not. So my husband decided to get a lateral flow test to try at home and if it was negative we would continue to send her into school.

However no matter what we try dd goes into meltdown as soon as she sees the swab or we try to test her. We have tried calmly explaining, bribery with the promise of ice cream and a magazine, letting her try to do it herself, doing it to ourselves in front of her so she can see it doesn't hurt. Nothing works - she says she'll let us do it but then clamps her hands over her mouth and nose and screams the place down. We had to give in and say the test is there if she decides she wants to try again, otherwise she'll probably have to isolate and miss out on fun things we had planned for the next week but that's her choice.

We've both got to end of our patience as she won't do the test but equally keeps crying about not being able to meet up with friends etc. but I think my husband has gone way OTT. He's basically banished her to her bedroom and said she isn't allowed to do anything except homework or reading for the next 10 days. I'm with him that she shouldn't be having "fun" because I don't want her thinking she can refuse to do the swab and get a week off school to do as she pleases if that makes sense. But she didn't ask for this, I don't think she's done anything naughty yet her dad is acting like she's deliberately defied him.

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab. I think he's coming across as way too strong but he won't have it. What do you think am I right or aibu and too soft?

OP posts:
whatwouldjudydo · 01/07/2021 16:47

You don't need to put it in her mouth just the nose - I think she should be okay with that surely? My 2 year old did it without a fuss I just played it completely cool and didn't make a fuss.

MiloAndEddie · 01/07/2021 16:47

Yes he’s wrong because she doesn’t need to test, she just needs to isolate. Why distress her for nothing?

Quartz2208 · 01/07/2021 16:49

First off I am really surprised that you dont know she needs to isolate if she was in close indoor contact with the girl. Brownies should been able to tell you based on their policy

Beyond that your husband is really really awful

ilikefastcars · 01/07/2021 16:49

Of course she needs to isolate, she has been a close contact.
Testing her now will give false info, she could still develop covid with a negative test today. Keep her home as per the guidelines.

Silversun83 · 01/07/2021 16:49

If they were together on Tuesday and you got the text yesterday, then the rules are that she needs to isolate anyway as she would have been in contact within 48 hours.

zoeydollie · 01/07/2021 16:50

If test & trace haven't contacted you then she doesn't need to isolate.

If you want to test her why not wait til she's asleep?

GreenWheat · 01/07/2021 16:50

Currently, the test won't get her out of having to isolate, so no need to put her through it. Hopefully close contact isolation will be able to end soon, but you can't send her to school at the moment.

Silversun83 · 01/07/2021 16:51

But agree your husband is being a dick.

cupsofcoffee · 01/07/2021 16:51

If she's been a close contact then she needs to isolate if she won't take the test.

But your "D"H is being a dick.

user1471548941 · 01/07/2021 16:53

I was held down, forced and ridiculed by multiple members of my family for various routine medical procedures that I was terrified of as a kid.

As soon as I was old enough I deregistered from doctors and dentists

LittleBearPad · 01/07/2021 16:53

Someone needs to be able to tell you if she needs to isolate. This is the whole blinking point of track and trace.

She doesn’t need to take a test as if she needs to isolate the test isn’t going to make any difference.

Whilst I appreciate your husband is frustrated he’s not going to help anything with his attitude so tell him to wind his neck in

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/07/2021 16:54

He is a dick!

My DD also absolutely hates having a test and it takes us pinning her and then doing the test followed by immediately shoving chocolate in her mouth. She’s 7. It’s really traumatic.

Our response to all of this is to empathise about how much we don’t want to do it and big praise when it’s done.

I wouldn’t care what your DD had or hadn’t done, calling her any of those names would not be accepted by me. I would lose my shit completely and I would be telling my DD that her dad was completely wrong and unreasonable. Your DD needs to know her dad’s behaviour is awful.

As for having 10 days of misery, why? Even if she gets a negative LFT, she should be isolating after close contact with someone who tested positive.

LittleBearPad · 01/07/2021 16:54

@whatwouldjudydo

You don't need to put it in her mouth just the nose - I think she should be okay with that surely? My 2 year old did it without a fuss I just played it completely cool and didn't make a fuss.
Well bully for you. My 6 year old screamed his head off
LittleBearPad · 01/07/2021 16:55

Brownies should also be able to tell you how close they got. Were they inside, outside. Keeping their distance, hugging each other etc

underneaththeash · 01/07/2021 16:55

@Quartz2208 brownies policy is that you need to wait for track abs trace to call. Only then does she need to isolate.

ikeepseeingit · 01/07/2021 16:56

Does he know she’s 8?! What is wrong with him, she’s clearly scared and he’s building it up into a massive thing. Is this the overreactive behaviour you want modelled to your child? She’s had such a hard year.

Are there any friends of hers (from brownies perhaps) that has had to do a test? Could you contact their parents and get their kid to show her how to do it over Skype/zoom? She must be feeling quite trapped right now, it’s not a nice time to be a child.

Fitforforty · 01/07/2021 16:57

She has to isolate so it doesn’t matter what a lateral flow test says and lateral flow tests are only for 12s anyway.

MadeOfStarStuff · 01/07/2021 16:59

Of course she needs to isolate Hmm Brownies don’t have to socially distance from each other or wear masks so she would be a close contact.

I agree with not making her isolation a fun time off school but would probably just make sure she was studying during school hours and then allow her to do normal stuff at home within the isolation rules in the evenings and weekends.

He is being massively unreasonable to be mean to a child because they’re afraid of the test. She’s not a teenager refusing so she gets time of school, it sounds like she wants to do it but just can’t make herself.

MrsSquirrel · 01/07/2021 17:00

She needs toughening up? Hmm She is 8 ffs.

YANBU By forcing her, you are teaching her father is a bully and that her body is not her own.

Plus there is no requirement for her to test, so the whole drama is unnecessary. Or only necessary for paternal power and control, not for health reasons.

Wrotten · 01/07/2021 17:01

Your husband is an abusive cunt. It wouldn't be acceptable if someone spoke to an adult like he has, let alone a child.

And, she doesn't even need a damn test, which makes the whole thing even worse!

DrSbaitso · 01/07/2021 17:01

She needs to isolate and your husband needs to apologise to her and learn better parenting techniques. That is awful and will only make her feel ashamed and more frightened. She's an eight year old girl, not a sodding Royal Marine.

LuxOlente · 01/07/2021 17:02

I hope your DH looks back on this and regrets what he's done. She's done absolutely nothing wrong, and now her parents have gone barmy, tried to put a rod up her nose and now punished her horribly. Can you imagine how she feels?

As a distant contact she doesn't need to have a test. She just needs to watch for symptoms. You're not even following the guidance.

She's so little. I'd be amazed if her trust in you both hasn't been damaged by this. What outrageous behaviour towards her for absolutely no reason at all.

I just reread your post - cancelling holidays? Banning days out? Bullies, the pair of you. Using Covid as an excuse to call her names. Jesus, I hope she never forgets this when she's picking your care home.

user1471548941 · 01/07/2021 17:03

Sorry posted too soon.

I haven’t seen a medical professional of any kind since I was old enough to not be forced. No smears, never a flu jab, no HPV vaccine.

I’m now hugely struggling with the concept of getting my Covid vaccine even though I desperately want to to protect my family and be able to travel. I’ve had to book myself in for counselling, not for the phobia but because the hardest part to deal with the feelings of shame and lack of control that all came from my family saying things like “how could a clever girl like make such an embarrassment of herself” and the implication that I was letting everyone down.

The hardest part is genuinely that I feel like I am giving in to bullies/control.

Please don’t turn your 8 year old into me, I’m not proud of it and it is turning into the bane of my life and at nearly 30 it is SO much harder to deal with than it was as a child.

What would have worked for me would be giving elements of control i.e. over timing, doing it myself or someone doing it for me, to accept the isolation in place of the test.

AmyDudley · 01/07/2021 17:03

Obviously it would have been preferable if she had taken the test with no fuss - but we are all different, she was frightened and I imagine your DH getting increasingly more frustrate made her more frightened.

I actually think it is pretty important to teach children about bodily autonomy. No her father shouldn't be able to physically force her to have what is essentially an unnecessary 'procedure' (unnecessary as in she it won't give very accurate info and she needs to isolate anyway afaik). Unless it is a matter of serious illness/life or death, I feel children should be allowed some say over what happens to their bodies. You don't want her growing up thinking that if a man shouts loud enough and 'punishes' her, she has to let him do what he wants to her body.

Your 'D'H sounds completely vile. Who the hell says all that nasty stuff to their little daughter? - what a feeble excuse for a human being he is.

LuxOlente · 01/07/2021 17:03

@zoeydollie

If test & trace haven't contacted you then she doesn't need to isolate.

If you want to test her why not wait til she's asleep?

Yes, perform medical tests on a sleeping child who doesn't need one, because the parents have decided making their child even more distressed is a better outcome. She's already had her entire summer stripped off her.