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AIBU?

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Original poster

Thinking husband is wrong to "punish" daughter for refusing to do covid test

243 replies

Niffler2019 · 01/07/2021 16:44

Hi my daughter is 8 and yesterday afternoon we had the dreaded text from her brownies leader to inform us one of the girls who had been at brownies on Tuesday evening had tested positive for covid. I got the text at 3pm Wednesday so dd had already been to school and I didn't know in that situation what we're supposed to do regarding isolating/testing.

We've spoken to NHS 119, school and girl guiding but none of them will advise on whether she should be isolating or not. So my husband decided to get a lateral flow test to try at home and if it was negative we would continue to send her into school.

However no matter what we try dd goes into meltdown as soon as she sees the swab or we try to test her. We have tried calmly explaining, bribery with the promise of ice cream and a magazine, letting her try to do it herself, doing it to ourselves in front of her so she can see it doesn't hurt. Nothing works - she says she'll let us do it but then clamps her hands over her mouth and nose and screams the place down. We had to give in and say the test is there if she decides she wants to try again, otherwise she'll probably have to isolate and miss out on fun things we had planned for the next week but that's her choice.

We've both got to end of our patience as she won't do the test but equally keeps crying about not being able to meet up with friends etc. but I think my husband has gone way OTT. He's basically banished her to her bedroom and said she isn't allowed to do anything except homework or reading for the next 10 days. I'm with him that she shouldn't be having "fun" because I don't want her thinking she can refuse to do the swab and get a week off school to do as she pleases if that makes sense. But she didn't ask for this, I don't think she's done anything naughty yet her dad is acting like she's deliberately defied him.

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab. I think he's coming across as way too strong but he won't have it. What do you think am I right or aibu and too soft?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 01/07/2021 17:03

As is usually the case with parents like this, he's not angry because she can't or won't do the test, he's angry because he thinks it's all about him and sees it as disobedience and defiance rather than a frightened child.

I don't know how you get people like this to change, but knowing their nature can be very useful information.

WorriedWishingWell · 01/07/2021 17:04

The rules say you need to isolate for 10 days if you've been in close contact with someone who has tested positive.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 01/07/2021 17:05

You do realise he has ruined his relationship with her - she will not forget this.
Is he normally so nasty to her?

ChocolateCakeYum · 01/07/2021 17:06

Your husband is a cunt.

She needs to isolate, that’s it.

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 01/07/2021 17:06

I thought if you have been a close contact of someone within 48hours of them having symptoms or a positive test then you are to isolate

Taking the lateral flow won’t prevent that requirement?

As for your husband; he sounds really mean and like he is bullying your 8 year old daughter. Sad
His behaviour is totally uncalled for and unnecessary. It’s not going to change anything for your daughter, it sounds like he’s on some weird power trip.
What does canceling your holiday in August have to do with her refusing the pointless lateral flow test?

It is not your daughter’s fault that she’s living in a global pandemic, or that she has to isolate.
Depriving her of normal everyday things that are ‘fun’ is cruel in my opinion.
She’s not choosing to stay off school, its what she has to do?
At the end of the day, she’s 8
Do you know what her understanding of the virus is? Could she be worried about getting very poorly? Do you know for sure what’s being said at school, what she might have picked up from the news etc?
I think the reaction she’s getting from both of you seems out of proportion and not considerate of her feelings at all.
I hope you can turn this around for her

PinkiOcelot · 01/07/2021 17:07

Is he normally such a dick or is this a one off?
She needs to isolate regardless of a negative LFT. She could test positive on the 9th day, as has been known to happen.

PanamaPattie · 01/07/2021 17:07

Your husband is a controlling dick and you know it. He has gone too nuclear with punishments. Your daughter won't forget this - his bullying and you not standing up for her.

4PawsGood · 01/07/2021 17:08

My two youngest have been a real struggle to get tested. We had to take it so, so slowly. They do their own up their nose. Maybe try that.

Anyway, it sounds like your husband is having a freakout because your poor daughter won’t do as she’s told.

LuxOlente · 01/07/2021 17:08

I can imagine if she wasn't worried about the pandemic before, she will be now. I bet he gave her a right old lecture about the risk of killing others.

It's literally your job as a parent to protect your child from harm, not threaten them and frighten them.

user1471548941 · 01/07/2021 17:08

And yes, it really changed how I feel about my parents

nanbread · 01/07/2021 17:08

Your husband's behaviour is unacceptable. We all have outbursts where we say things in the heat of the moment but this is something else.

As for isolating, put pressure on Brownies to tell you what to do as it depends on how close of a contract they are and they are letting you down by not being clear.

woodfort · 01/07/2021 17:08

He’s bullying her. Getting meaner and meaner about it and calling her (an 8 year old!) names is hardly going to get her to change her mind.

scatterolight · 01/07/2021 17:09

I think covid is making people batshit. Tell people she took the test and it was negative. End of problem.

AlwaysInMay · 01/07/2021 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 01/07/2021 17:11

This is why PHE advises children under 11 should not be doing lateral flow tests. I think if TNT can't give you definitive advice, if carry on as normal.

Your husband is a nasty cock for berating her at 8. Or at any age for that matter.

DishingOutDone · 01/07/2021 17:14

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable.

She's 8 fucking years old OP, grow a pair and stand up to this bully.

hullaballoo19 · 01/07/2021 17:15

Your husband is horrible ☹️ it doesn't matter how frustrated he is, doing and saying these things is awful. I'd be telling my dp to get the f**k out of my house leave if he said those things to my dd.

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 17:15

She's only 8 years old FFS

This made me cry...
He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab.

Poor sausage.

whyayepetal · 01/07/2021 17:16

user1471548941 - I couldn’t read your comments re vaccine and run. I work as a vaccinator at the moment, and would urge you to book and come along. Tell the clinicians there what your worries are - there will be a senior clinician on site if you wanted a 1-1 chat. Absolutely no-one will make you do anything you are uncomfortable with, and if you decide not to go ahead, then that is also absolutely fine. Hopefully, you will find the experience at the centre is worlds apart from the trauma you experienced as a child and gives your confidence a bit of a boost, whether or not you decide to go ahead with your vaccination. Wishing you all the best Flowers

Joanie1972 · 01/07/2021 17:16

The way your DH is talking to your daughter is abusive. All that name-calling is appalling.

Bythemillpond · 01/07/2021 17:20

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab. I think he's coming across as way too strong but he won't have it. What do you think am I right or aibu and too soft

I think those names should be directed at him. The only one being ridiculous is him.

This is all about him trying to control rather than about Covid,

Of course she should be isolating along with the other children at Brownies. I have no idea what taking a test is going to prove.

Fwiw I have to take a test for work. I only do it through my nose as I can’t have the throat swab

Abetes · 01/07/2021 17:20

She doesn't need the rest. She should isolate for ten days as the close contact of someone with Covid (if indeed she is). She only needs the test if she develops symptoms.

AmyDudley · 01/07/2021 17:21

She's only 8 years old FFS

This made me cry...
He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab.

Poor sausage.

Me too @chickenyhead Sad. It is abusive, I would seriously be considering my future with someone who could speak to a child like this, if he's doing this now, how many more damaging things will he say as she grows up, destroying her self esteem. You need to protect your DD OP and let her know that her father is very very wrong to speak to her this way.

DrSbaitso · 01/07/2021 17:22

If he does cancel the holiday, OP, make sure you book another one for just you and her (and any other kids you have, of course).

Be aware that the level of bullying and escalation he is bringing to this is nothing to do with her taking a test that she doesn't even need to take, and everything to do with his own ego and wish to be obeyed. That's what's driving him, not public health.

jazzandh · 01/07/2021 17:22

Unreasonable to try and force her to do this - but you could perhaps let her have autonomy and test herself?

My Ds2 is 10 but tests himself and it's not that difficult especially if you just nostril swab. Let them follow the whole procedure. (DS2 jokingly said he'd thought he's got a brain sample the first time Grin ) - but they have control.

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