Thinking husband is wrong to "punish" daughter for refusing to do covid test

[Niffler2019]

Hi my daughter is 8 and yesterday afternoon we had the dreaded text from her brownies leader to inform us one of the girls who had been at brownies on Tuesday evening had tested positive for covid. I got the text at 3pm Wednesday so dd had already been to school and I didn't know in that situation what we're supposed to do regarding isolating/testing.

We've spoken to NHS 119, school and girl guiding but none of them will advise on whether she should be isolating or not. So my husband decided to get a lateral flow test to try at home and if it was negative we would continue to send her into school.

However no matter what we try dd goes into meltdown as soon as she sees the swab or we try to test her. We have tried calmly explaining, bribery with the promise of ice cream and a magazine, letting her try to do it herself, doing it to ourselves in front of her so she can see it doesn't hurt. Nothing works - she says she'll let us do it but then clamps her hands over her mouth and nose and screams the place down. We had to give in and say the test is there if she decides she wants to try again, otherwise she'll probably have to isolate and miss out on fun things we had planned for the next week but that's her choice.

We've both got to end of our patience as she won't do the test but equally keeps crying about not being able to meet up with friends etc. but I think my husband has gone way OTT. He's basically banished her to her bedroom and said she isn't allowed to do anything except homework or reading for the next 10 days. I'm with him that she shouldn't be having "fun" because I don't want her thinking she can refuse to do the swab and get a week off school to do as she pleases if that makes sense. But she didn't ask for this, I don't think she's done anything naughty yet her dad is acting like she's deliberately defied him.

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab. I think he's coming across as way too strong but he won't have it. What do you think am I right or aibu and too soft?

@saraclara

That too. The whole episode was pointless.

Oops. That was supposed to include a quote from the person who said a test Ayer only 36 hours wouldn't indicate anything. It takes 2-5 days for the virus to incubate.

His reaction sounds more like he is angry he can’t control your dd and make her bend to his will rather than a concerned father.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from both of you.

Your husband is bullying an 8 year old for being afraid. Please think about this.

DH is being extremely OTT particularly as it's a lateral flow rather than PCR so far from reliable. What did the Brownie leader say? They could be like schools in the sense that they work with PHSE and identify close contacts of cases but those contacts wouldn't be contacted by PHSE directly (that's what happened with us when DD was identified as a close contact at school recently). You are now allowed to order a PCR test as a close contact, it doesn't change the need to isolate but could limit the extended isolation period if identified early on and is obviously better for the household to know than not.

Anyone, child or adult, is allowed to refuse any medical procedure so you are both being unreasonable to try and force her. It's totally counterproductive. The way to do it is let her see you doing it and let it be her choice, perhaps offer a reward for doing it, but no punishment.

Your husband sounds dreadful.

In any case I think your daughter needs to isolate. What's the point in putting people at risk? You know she's been in contact with a positive case.

@Halo1234

The name calling is too much and so is all the consequences. Your daughter needs to know when it comes to serious decisions mum and dad decide. Its OK to be nervous but its very black and white she has to do the test. I wouldnt have allowed her to refuse tbh. She is 8 she doesnt get to decide. What if she decides not to have her immunisations or brush her teeth or go to school. I get she is scared. I wouldn't have went down the road of punishments. I would have just said nothing else is happening until this is done. Tv off. No snacks. When the test is done we can get on with our day until then nothing is happening. But fyi u still need to isolate. She has been in contact with a positive case. A negative lateral flow changes nothing. So I probably won't have done it in the first place.

I had to force my DC to have life saving treatment, but I wouldn't force them to do a test for an illness they are unlikely to have, using a test not suitable for her age range.

In my world 8 year old do have some say over their own bodies in most circumstances.

So much Mis-infirmation here & I think your dh is being unreasonable.

As an Out of School Activity Brownies should be following the OOS settings guidance. They cannot tell you whether she is a close contact or not. They can send a “warn & inform” notice which is what they have done with the email.

They will be telling PHE about their procedures etc and they are the ones who will decide whether your dd is a close contact or not. From here Test & Trace might contact you direct or they may ask Brownies to send a letter on their behalf in the same way as school have.

If you know that there was no social distancing etc etc then the responsible thing would be to keep her off school. If they have 2m squares for activities etc then it’s usually fine to send her in.

but could limit the extended isolation

Getting a PCR test doesn't do this, it's 10 days from the symptomless PCR date, whereas isolating as a contact is 10 days from the contact with the case.

Our relatives had an alert they have to isolate after contact with a positive case. They tested too just in case, and were negative but that didn't mean they could stop isolating!

If she's whining about not seeing her friends just calmly reiterate that's not on the table because she has to isolate.

Your DH, name calling and meting out punishment on top of punishment, is being an utter dick - and that's the polite version.

Your husband is absolutely awful - just viciously horrible. He’s a pathetic shit if he can’t cope with an 8 year old being upset.

You’re both taking the wrong approach on this - she needs to isolate for 10 days regardless of tests.

I would be telling your husband this is a red line issue - either he apologises to your daughter for being a horrible bully, or he gets the fuck out.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, I can't believe some people have voted that you are. Your husband is an absolute cunt and if I were you I'd be ramming the swab up his pee hole to see how he liked it. Your daughter should not be punished in any way for refusing the test, which others have already pointed out is pointless and not even supposed to be used on someone her age, stand up for your daughter please.

Taking an LFT won't mean that she doesn't have to isolate. A PCR is more accurate.

More importantly why are you and your h encouraging her to take the the test? Isolating for 10 days will be fine if she doesn't want to.

Taking a Covid test isn't a non-negotiable like going to school. Do you really think that calling her names is going to change her views on this? His behaviour is cruel.

If I were you I'd sympathize with what she's missing out on and stop your h being so abusive. There's a good reason why primary kids weren't asked to use LFT- they are for secondary kids.

Nobody would be speaking to my child like that, i wouldn't give a shit if it was the blooody queen let alone her own father. He's a disgusting bully.

Is he always such a dick?

@sirfredfredgeorge

but could limit the extended isolation

Getting a PCR test doesn't do this, it's 10 days from the symptomless PCR date, whereas isolating as a contact is 10 days from the contact with the case.

It could limit the total isolation if she was asymptomatic at least initially and went on to test positive.

Currently 10 days isolation as a close contact.

If tested on day 5 and tests positive she would do 5 days + 10 from her test date. If she develops symptoms on day 8 of close contact isolation she will start 10 days isolation from test date so could do 18 or 19 days total. Therefore testing earlier during self isolation limits the possibility of extended isolation if she will at any point go on to test positive.

Bribery and reinforcement needed.
Do test get a chocolate or money

Not punish ment
Ridiculous

P s take her on holiday without him

The point of doing a (pcr) test is not to reduce your isolation time, but to pick up if your dd is positive (with no symptoms) in which case the whole family need to isolate.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

He is a dick!

My DD also absolutely hates having a test and it takes us pinning her and then doing the test followed by immediately shoving chocolate in her mouth. She’s 7. It’s really traumatic.

Our response to all of this is to empathise about how much we don’t want to do it and big praise when it’s done.

I wouldn’t care what your DD had or hadn’t done, calling her any of those names would not be accepted by me. I would lose my shit completely and I would be telling my DD that her dad was completely wrong and unreasonable. Your DD needs to know her dad’s behaviour is awful.

As for having 10 days of misery, why? Even if she gets a negative LFT, she should be isolating after close contact with someone who tested positive.

I do agree with this, there’s no way I’d let someone speak to my child like that, including their Dad.

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable

Shes 8 years old and already having to put up with being called names. He is a vile bully and I have no idea why you are still with him.

The only reason I could see for cancelling the holiday is if it is a holiday where she will have to be tested before/after - if that is the case if she won't do it now she won't then so I can see cancelling it now (assuming it's not somewhere like Cornwall where you don't need to test)

You're husband is a horrible bully.

@Embracelife

P s take her on holiday without him

Absolutely this!

Hey @Niffler2019, I hope this is helpful, I’m not sure why girl guiding aren’t being clear but their guidance is based on the same rules as my own organisation’s and the NYA guidance is pretty clear on what should happen.

Should any member of a bubble become unwell, all members of the bubble should contact NHS Test and Trace. All members of the bubble (including leaders/visitors) should also be suspended from attendance and requested to self-isolate for 7 days or until NHS Test and Trace confirm it is safe to return to activities (following a negative COVID test)

If she has been to school on Wednesday you let school know and they should ask you to test her and if she’s positive her school bubble should also close.

What’s really frustrating is that to have got a positive PCR by 3pm Wednesday surely they must have been waiting for the results on Tuesday night.

Anyone, child or adult, is allowed to refuse any medical procedure so you are both being unreasonable to try and force her. It's totally counterproductive. The way to do it is let her see you doing it and let it be her choice, perhaps offer a reward for doing it, but no punishment.

I completely agree!!