Thinking husband is wrong to "punish" daughter for refusing to do covid test

[Niffler2019]

Hi my daughter is 8 and yesterday afternoon we had the dreaded text from her brownies leader to inform us one of the girls who had been at brownies on Tuesday evening had tested positive for covid. I got the text at 3pm Wednesday so dd had already been to school and I didn't know in that situation what we're supposed to do regarding isolating/testing.

We've spoken to NHS 119, school and girl guiding but none of them will advise on whether she should be isolating or not. So my husband decided to get a lateral flow test to try at home and if it was negative we would continue to send her into school.

However no matter what we try dd goes into meltdown as soon as she sees the swab or we try to test her. We have tried calmly explaining, bribery with the promise of ice cream and a magazine, letting her try to do it herself, doing it to ourselves in front of her so she can see it doesn't hurt. Nothing works - she says she'll let us do it but then clamps her hands over her mouth and nose and screams the place down. We had to give in and say the test is there if she decides she wants to try again, otherwise she'll probably have to isolate and miss out on fun things we had planned for the next week but that's her choice.

We've both got to end of our patience as she won't do the test but equally keeps crying about not being able to meet up with friends etc. but I think my husband has gone way OTT. He's basically banished her to her bedroom and said she isn't allowed to do anything except homework or reading for the next 10 days. I'm with him that she shouldn't be having "fun" because I don't want her thinking she can refuse to do the swab and get a week off school to do as she pleases if that makes sense. But she didn't ask for this, I don't think she's done anything naughty yet her dad is acting like she's deliberately defied him.

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab. I think he's coming across as way too strong but he won't have it. What do you think am I right or aibu and too soft?

@ChocolateCookies123

Sounds like everyone has just had enough. Go off and do something completely different all of you. And come back together when you’ve all calmed down. My DC2 is like this with hospital test, medication and seeing the doctor. She’s very scared and refuses to cooperate at all and it’s soooo incredibly frustrating. Especially when the consequences of not doing the test are so much worse. Your DH needs to understand though that your DC is very distressed and looking to parents for support and will remember the parents reaction for a very long time. does he really want her to remember him making all these nasty comments etc?

This. We had the exact same thing with my DSS and so I totally 100% get why he has flipped. Don't demonize him (unless he's always like this), but he does need to calm down.

Wow thank you for all the responses. Some difficult reading but I needed to hear it.

Just to clarify I absolutely did not stand by and let him get away with the name calling. I said he was being ridiculous and cruel. I had a chat with my dd and said he was the one in the wrong as an adult to say such things to anyone, never mind a child and that she had done absolutely nothing wrong.

There is no way he's stopping me taking her on holiday. We're only going to visit my family in Scotland and I've assured dd she absolutely will still be going.

Brownies are still being frustrating by saying they can not say whether we should be isolating or not. There is no contact and all girls are socially distanced at all times. School are happy for dd to still attend as long as track and trace haven't told us we need to isolate (they haven't) and she doesn't have symptoms so she is back in today. It seems to be 50/50 with other girls from the group, some are isolating whilst others are carrying on as normal.

Sorry I forgot to add originally that my husband tried to request a PCR test but 119 said she wasn't eligible as she wasn't in close enough contact given they were socially distancing. They recommended trying the lft.

She eventually managed the lft once he'd buggered off to work. My MIL is a nurse and offered to come round and try. I gave dd the choice, I said nanna is coming round with her nurses kit and if you want to try again you can but if you don't want to that's fine and you won't be any trouble. She agreed to try doing it herself after practicing on a teddy and us. I didn't think she'd got up the nostril far enough but we did get a negative result! She couldn't believe how easy it was and that it doesn't hurt at all. At least if she needed to do it in future she is happy to now.

However that's not the main issue is it, that is her dad's absolutely vile attitude. I have warned him she won't forget this and she may never forgive him. I'm not sure I can for that matter so I don't know where that leaves us. If I forgive him I feel I'm accepting that kind of behaviour and I'll always be wary he'll act like that again next time dd behaves in a way he doesn't like. Yes he's been a bit of an arse with me before when he's been tired/stressed but I stupidly never thought he'd be like that with the kids. I've actually never seen him be anywhere near as bad as he was yesterday and it horrifies me.
Usually him and dd have a great relationship and have loads of fun together but I do worry their relationship is now ruined.

Hi OP, glad DD is ok and you had a chat with her.
I wish I could advise on your husband but my partner has been an arse to my son and although it has made me incredibly angry and hurt I’m still with him. It’s easy to say LTB but harder to break up your family.

Sorry I realise how awful it sounds when I said she shouldn't be having fun. I meant that if she has to isolate I would expect her to do school work/something educational during school hours so she doesn't fall behind. I didn't want her to think she could spend a week watching Netflix and playing computer games all day. Outside of school hours would be "fun" time. And if he doesn't like that then tough s*.

That is his excuse for his crappy behaviour, he was stressed about her potentially missing out on more school and falling behind. I understand the frustration but I don't believe there is any excuse to justify how he acted.

Stressed about her falling behind? Where has he been the last couple of years? All children have missed a lot of school, meaning a lot was done online. She could have had work from school to do. No excuse for that behaviour at all.

Honestly OP, unless he is still threatening not to take her on holiday I would just let this lie now. You sound really deeply angry about something that in reality was probably just somebody reaching the end of their tether after a very long and stressful couple of years. I suspect there will be stories like this up and down the country. How is his mental health generally?

If you keep reiterating to her how she has done absolutely nothing wrong and her father is an evil bastard you run the risk of encouraging her to play the two of you off each other when she doesn't want to do things, and become even more entrenched in her babyish fear of things like this. I don't think that would be good for her at all.

What the fuck is wrong with some people! Support your daughter and tell your H he’s being an arsehole. You and your dick of an H are sowing the seeds of future issues, if you don’t wind both your necks in.

Hi @Mymapuddlington thank you. How have you managed to move forward with your partner?

If it was a simple question of do I still want to be with him - no I don't want to be with someone who behaves in this way. If he wasn't her dad he'd be out on his arse. But he is going to be in her life regardless of whether we remain together or not so I have to think about how to manage that.

On a practical level it's not so simple to just leave . I have no family nearby. To be honest if I did I probably would have packed our bags last night and gone. We jointly own our house but I can't afford the mortgage and bills on my own. We're not in a position to put the house on the market because we're in the middle of having some work done and having work on an extension starting in a couple of weeks. Ironically to turn it into our perfect family home. We've already got everything in place and taken out a loan to pay for it so goodness knows where that leaves things if I kick him out.

Tbh OP I see where you are coming from. My 6yo refuses to test and goes in to complete meltdown too. It means she has to spend the majority of her time in her room isolating, incase siblings catch the virus or DH & I. We have 1 vulnerable in the household far too young to isolate. If she would have a test we'd be happy for her to be at home with everyone as normal. Her not having a negative test means the rest of all our lives are put on complete pause for 10 days. Work won't let me go in (they would with a child off school who's had a negative), our childcare provider won't come to the house while she's off school without a neg test. I'm still paying for this while not earning my own wage while off.

It is very stressful. And would make things a lot easier if she just let us do the test. And she wouldn't be stuck in her room unnecessarily for long periods of time. I understand the sheer frustration is what I'm saying, and none of us really know what the best thing to do is re isolating completely, especially with a child. It is a horrible situation all round.

I stayed with my H for years after similar behaviour, the kids hate him and I hate myself for what I put them through - I too was worried about how he would behave if he had 50:50 custody. Now I'll never know as they are adults and he's had to reign his behaviour in as they are "on to" him - I'm still trying to find a way to leave without enough equity etc. but one thing I did was draw a line. A few years back I said to him if you don't stop bullying then that's it there won't be another chance, if you behave like this again its all over. It certainly took the edge off it, but I still wish I'd left. Get the building work done, in the meantime get advice. And don't give him a second chance to treat your DD like that.

@chickenyhead

You know, having had 2 children diagnosed as type 1 diabetics at age 3. I have vivid memories of having to inject my DD against her will, 6 times a day. I cried with her every single time. I tore me to peices. But if I hadn't injected her, she wouldn't be alive (there were no pumps). That was perhaps the hardest period of my life. The screams were horrific.

This test isn't life saving. It isnt even appropriate or useful. Get ahold of yourselves. She isn't a brat, she is a frightened little girl.

People have totally lost their shit over Covid.

It’s difficult isn’t it, is he usually like this?
I had stern words and basically said he needs to be the adult, he needs to leave the room if he’s frustrated/angry or whatever.
I also said in 6 months if he’s still being an arse to me and ds I’m done. We agreed to draw a line, he agreed to try harder. We’ll see how it goes.

I'm surprised you brought up trying to do the test again with her TBH. It's been pointed out numerous times that not only is it unnecessary to test in the circumstances but also inappropriate for her age. Regardless of how gently you brought it up, getting her to do the test benefits no one apart from your husband and appeasing him.

I’m at hospital and had my first ever test, it’s a lateral flow one and to be honest my eyes were streaming, it was fucking awful. Nurse said they have to do it twice a week and it’s always painful, always makes their eyes stream. My nose is feeling so sore.

My DD is like this. She is 10. She has massive anxiety about medical procedures. We are waiting on a referral to the dental hospital because she can’t have dental treatment. She just can’t. She tries to be brave but ends up screaming and panicking.

I think your H will make this so much worse. You don’t humiliate your kid for genuine anxiety.

I had to swab my son 8 in the back of a car it was awful i swear he grew 8 arms and leg he was like an octopus thrashing around and screaming.
I managed to calm him down and he agreed to the swab in the nose.
I have told him i will never do it again and i won't he was terrified.
My Dd is 6 and had the test last month and she was really good and i had no problems.
If my son had not had the test i certainly would not have bullied or picked on him that is awful.

I would ask your DH what on earth is going on.

If he was willing to apologise to your DD, unconditionally, and then show it in his actions, he can repair the relationship. It sounds like he's usually a good dad.

BarbarianMum That’s a good idea actually. Will try and see if she would do it herself next time we need to. She was really funny about the flu nasal spray thing as well so not looking forward to that either. It probably won’t be very accurate if she does it but it wasn’t when she was kicking and screaming and we were trying either.