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AIBU?

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Original poster

Thinking husband is wrong to "punish" daughter for refusing to do covid test

243 replies

Niffler2019 · 01/07/2021 16:44

Hi my daughter is 8 and yesterday afternoon we had the dreaded text from her brownies leader to inform us one of the girls who had been at brownies on Tuesday evening had tested positive for covid. I got the text at 3pm Wednesday so dd had already been to school and I didn't know in that situation what we're supposed to do regarding isolating/testing.

We've spoken to NHS 119, school and girl guiding but none of them will advise on whether she should be isolating or not. So my husband decided to get a lateral flow test to try at home and if it was negative we would continue to send her into school.

However no matter what we try dd goes into meltdown as soon as she sees the swab or we try to test her. We have tried calmly explaining, bribery with the promise of ice cream and a magazine, letting her try to do it herself, doing it to ourselves in front of her so she can see it doesn't hurt. Nothing works - she says she'll let us do it but then clamps her hands over her mouth and nose and screams the place down. We had to give in and say the test is there if she decides she wants to try again, otherwise she'll probably have to isolate and miss out on fun things we had planned for the next week but that's her choice.

We've both got to end of our patience as she won't do the test but equally keeps crying about not being able to meet up with friends etc. but I think my husband has gone way OTT. He's basically banished her to her bedroom and said she isn't allowed to do anything except homework or reading for the next 10 days. I'm with him that she shouldn't be having "fun" because I don't want her thinking she can refuse to do the swab and get a week off school to do as she pleases if that makes sense. But she didn't ask for this, I don't think she's done anything naughty yet her dad is acting like she's deliberately defied him.

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab. I think he's coming across as way too strong but he won't have it. What do you think am I right or aibu and too soft?

OP posts:
walkoflifewoohoo · 01/07/2021 20:32

Was she a close contact? Our Cubs have been split into 4 groups, changing each week, outdoors.

She doesn't need a test either way and currently probably doesn't even need to isolate.

You should be protecting her from this vile man.

Summerfun54321 · 01/07/2021 20:33

I just assumed everyone got their kids in a headlock, shoved it up their nose and gave them a sweet after. Only me then 😂.

FlippertyFlip80 · 01/07/2021 20:37

Our council's advise is that LF tests are not suitable for Primary aged kids.

ChocolateCookies123 · 01/07/2021 20:38

Sounds like everyone has just had enough. Go off and do something completely different all of you. And come back together when you’ve all calmed down. My DC2 is like this with hospital test, medication and seeing the doctor. She’s very scared and refuses to cooperate at all and it’s soooo incredibly frustrating. Especially when the consequences of not doing the test are so much worse. Your DH needs to understand though that your DC is very distressed and looking to parents for support and will remember the parents reaction for a very long time. does he really want her to remember him making all these nasty comments etc?

thelegohooverer · 01/07/2021 20:38

That was an appalling read.

Stinkysteamy · 01/07/2021 20:40

She's got herself in a state about it and pushing it isn't going to work. Leave it for now and then do gently nose only. It doesn't need to go in far. Your dh needs to calm down and grow up.

PearlclutchersInc · 01/07/2021 20:43

Personally I think she's way over the top, I really dont understand the fuss but then I'm not 8 years old in this daft climate.

canigooutyet · 01/07/2021 20:44

yea I understand they are dependent on us. I've had the water phobic, toothbrush avoiding, meds refusal and more to deal with.
Never felt the need though to verbally abuse them for it though.

Some of those things are in the best interests of the child so it's a very grey area and I've just answered my own question, and as parents we do have to make some hard choices. And even though they refuse to eat veg we find creative ways to deal with it.

Whereas a test that isn't even needed is in no-one's best interest is it? An issue has been created when there wasn't the need.

starfishmummy · 01/07/2021 20:45

@saraclara

Jeeeze. That poor child. He's foul.

I'm also stunned that anybody, never mind both of you, still doesn't know, after sixteen months, that of course she has to isolate. She was indoors and a contact of someone with covid. How could you not know?

If you hadn't been so ignorant of the basic roles, she wouldn't have had to go through this farce of an attempt at testing in the first place.

I agree. The information is easily available.
tttigress · 01/07/2021 20:47

I think all this Covid testing is going over the top

Plus continually shoving swabs up your nose can be bad for your health

noirchatsdeux · 01/07/2021 20:49

@user1471548941 If I'd followed your stupid example I would have been dead before I was 30. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at 21, with it reoccuring when I was 38.

I also had to undergo extremely invasive medical procedures when I was a child. It NEVER occured to me to not engage with the medical/dental profession because of that, quite the opposite.

canigooutyet · 01/07/2021 20:52

Or the op could have done what she has done today and started a thread asking not only about isolation, but how to test.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The issue is now how do they resolve what has been created?

After sending him off to his room and I'd calmed down, it would start my brain ticking about the wonderful, kind, caring husband and father I'm with. I wouldn't make any rash decisions today. But that's just me and how my brain works. And of course she would be out of that room and told she is absolutely not anything he is saying to reassure her.

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 20:54

You know, having had 2 children diagnosed as type 1 diabetics at age 3. I have vivid memories of having to inject my DD against her will, 6 times a day. I cried with her every single time. I tore me to peices. But if I hadn't injected her, she wouldn't be alive (there were no pumps). That was perhaps the hardest period of my life. The screams were horrific.

This test isn't life saving. It isnt even appropriate or useful. Get ahold of yourselves. She isn't a brat, she is a frightened little girl.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 01/07/2021 21:06

She has to isolate for 10 days whether she tests negative on lateral flow or not. There was a poster on here who isolated and tested positive on day 9 so had to do another 2 weeks. I understand why he was so frustrated with her and lost his temper, she IS being silly and ridiculous but why force her to do a test when it won't actually make any difference, she'll miss all the next weeks plans anyway?

LagunaBubbles · 01/07/2021 21:15

Your poor daughter. He is an abusive bully and will already be starting to affect your DDs self esteem. And you're letting him.

Cbtb · 01/07/2021 21:16

No role for lateral flow test here at all. If close contact with covid isolate. If she becomes symptomatic test. It’s not hard to understand

Having had to test DD (aged 5) several times as she has had symptoms and previous working as a children’s doctor my thoughts are:

If a medical procedure is indicated and the parents consent and the child is too young to do so then the best way seems to be to just get on with it with minimal fuss and loads of praise and rewards after. Giving the child a choice isn’t fair because they don’t have a choice and also they are too young for the responsibility. Giving them the illusion of a choice and then overriding their wishes is worse than just saying “we are going to do xyz” and then just doing it using restraint as needed.

Not sure that this is the case here though as there is really no need to do the test at all

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 21:48

@chickenyhead

You know, having had 2 children diagnosed as type 1 diabetics at age 3. I have vivid memories of having to inject my DD against her will, 6 times a day. I cried with her every single time. I tore me to peices. But if I hadn't injected her, she wouldn't be alive (there were no pumps). That was perhaps the hardest period of my life. The screams were horrific.

This test isn't life saving. It isnt even appropriate or useful. Get ahold of yourselves. She isn't a brat, she is a frightened little girl.

This. I've pinned my son down whilst other people have hurt him - needles, feeding tubes etc. I couldn't bear to do it for something that I was using just to try and bend some rules to make my own life easier
Halo1234 · 01/07/2021 22:05

@chickenyhead I am a fellow mum of a type 1Smile

walkoflifewoohoo · 01/07/2021 22:11

"She has to isolate for 10 days whether she tests negative on lateral flow or not"

Only if she was a close contact which we don't know she was.

Regardless there is no need for her to take a test and less need for her dad to be abusive

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 22:15

[quote Halo1234]@chickenyhead I am a fellow mum of a type 1Smile[/quote]
Wink hey there, not met many on here

ceeveebee · 01/07/2021 22:26

Was Brownies indoors or outdoors? Our brownies and Cubs have only been held outdoors since they reopened and so I’m not sure what would need to happen if there was a positive test as outdoors is so much lower risk.

I also don’t understand how the brownie managed to attend brownies on Tuesday night, and get a positive PCR test result by Wednesday afternoon…

But either way, your DH is a bullying twat

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 01/07/2021 22:27

She is a close contact. The OP said it was someone at brownies. Where she spends time, indoors doing activities with said child.

ThreeLocusts · 01/07/2021 22:41

While the questions whether your daughter needs to isolate and whether or not the test serves any purpose are important, to me they pale into insignificance next to the question of how you deal with your daughter's 'unreasonable' behaviour.

I think your husband is getting this catastrophically wrong. To punish a child for being panicked, a state of mind that is never 'right', but also never something a child would choose to suffer, is absurd and cruel. I fear that those who are saying this is about him resenting not being in control may well be right, in which case he is being a f.ing bastard.

Then again I've observed my own husband being so totally emotionally illiterate that I wouldn't exclude the possibility that this man thinks he's doing something pedagogically useful (which he isn't). In that case, you may be able to talk him round.

In any case please, please stand up for your daughter. Step back from the test situation and focus on making sure she doesn't get punished for being panicked. She is eight; she cannot be expected to be reasonable about this.

My youngest is seven and bursts out into howls of protest every time the possibility that he may need to get tested for us to be able to travel this summer comes up. So I feel your pain, a bit. I'm not at all sure I'll be able to talk him down from this tree. I'm promising myself now that I'll push back if my husband gets it into his head to be a dick about this.

Comefromaway · 01/07/2021 23:13

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

She is a close contact. The OP said it was someone at brownies. Where she spends time, indoors doing activities with said child.
That does not necessarily mean she is a close contact. PHE/test and trace will decide that, depending on how the group is organised.
walkoflifewoohoo · 02/07/2021 04:05

"She is a close contact. The OP said it was someone at brownies. Where she spends time, indoors doing activities with said child."

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut The OP said hardly any of that Confused. She said it was someone from brownies, you've made up the bit about being indoors and doing activities with said child.

As I said earlier, the Cubs here are split into 4 bubbles, they remain outside for their meetings and only come into close contact with 4 others.