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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Thinking husband is wrong to "punish" daughter for refusing to do covid test

243 replies

Niffler2019 · 01/07/2021 16:44

Hi my daughter is 8 and yesterday afternoon we had the dreaded text from her brownies leader to inform us one of the girls who had been at brownies on Tuesday evening had tested positive for covid. I got the text at 3pm Wednesday so dd had already been to school and I didn't know in that situation what we're supposed to do regarding isolating/testing.

We've spoken to NHS 119, school and girl guiding but none of them will advise on whether she should be isolating or not. So my husband decided to get a lateral flow test to try at home and if it was negative we would continue to send her into school.

However no matter what we try dd goes into meltdown as soon as she sees the swab or we try to test her. We have tried calmly explaining, bribery with the promise of ice cream and a magazine, letting her try to do it herself, doing it to ourselves in front of her so she can see it doesn't hurt. Nothing works - she says she'll let us do it but then clamps her hands over her mouth and nose and screams the place down. We had to give in and say the test is there if she decides she wants to try again, otherwise she'll probably have to isolate and miss out on fun things we had planned for the next week but that's her choice.

We've both got to end of our patience as she won't do the test but equally keeps crying about not being able to meet up with friends etc. but I think my husband has gone way OTT. He's basically banished her to her bedroom and said she isn't allowed to do anything except homework or reading for the next 10 days. I'm with him that she shouldn't be having "fun" because I don't want her thinking she can refuse to do the swab and get a week off school to do as she pleases if that makes sense. But she didn't ask for this, I don't think she's done anything naughty yet her dad is acting like she's deliberately defied him.

He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab. I think he's coming across as way too strong but he won't have it. What do you think am I right or aibu and too soft?

OP posts:

godmum56 · 01/07/2021 17:23

@AmyDudley

She's only 8 years old FFS

This made me cry...
He also keeps saying hurtful things to her like why are you too much of a coward to do a simple test, calling her silly, selfish, bratty, stupid, ridiculous, she's disappointed him etc which I think is totally unacceptable. I told him to apologise to her and explain he is frustrated and tired and didn't mean it but he said he won't because he does mean it and I'm too soft on her. He says she needs to hear it or she'll never learn and she needs toughening up. He's also told her she won't be going on a day out he'd promised her and he's going to cancel our holiday in August if she won't have a swab.

Poor sausage.

Me too @chickenyhead . It is abusive, I would seriously be considering my future with someone who could speak to a child like this, if he's doing this now, how many more damaging things will he say as she grows up, destroying her self esteem. You need to protect your DD OP and let her know that her father is very very wrong to speak to her this way.

yup, its abusive behaviour and he needs calling on it. Has he done it before?

louloubelx · 01/07/2021 17:24

Yes she will need to isolate as a close contact of the child at Brownies. You’ll need to make school aware. You won’t necessarily get a call from test and trace if the child who tested positive doesn’t have your daughters contact details, but the brownies people should give you the correct info which will mean isolation started the following day and will last for ten days. No one else in household needs to isolate unless your daughter gets symptoms or (if she does agree to a test) is positive. Really brownies should be providing you with all this info.

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 17:24

Maybe his abusive aggression is the reason that her anxiety is so high???? I wouldn't want him sticking anything up my nose either.

Bizawit · 01/07/2021 17:24

You DH sounds like a bully. It’s her body- you cannot force her to stick a swab up her nose without her consent. Bullying her and coercing her and punishing her is absolutely wrong and abuse.

Justwantanewname · 01/07/2021 17:25

Agree with the poster who says people have lost their minds over covid if this kind of thing is happening. It was frustrating when my (under 11) child didn’t want to take the test. Like fuck would I have spoken to him like this. It’s absolute madness

Bizawit · 01/07/2021 17:27

@Justwantanewname

Hear hear

dimples76 · 01/07/2021 17:27

I don't see the point of doing the test as if she needs to isolate it's not affected by her test result. But really compassion is needed here - she is missing out on things that she was looking forward to through no fault of her own.

My DS (8) had a cough and temp but I couldn't get him to do the test that time so we all had to isolate for 10 days and as I'm a single parent I was left trying to wah with my 8 year old with SEN and toddler. I was so frustrated that he wouldn't do the test but I didn't express that to him or take it out on him.

Recently both my children were ill again. I managed to test this time but spent a long time beforehand tickling the outside of his nostrils with a cotton wool bud and talking about how much he likes to pick his nose!

NotTodaySatanNotToday · 01/07/2021 17:28

@whyayepetal

user1471548941 - I couldn’t read your comments re vaccine and run. I work as a vaccinator at the moment, and would urge you to book and come along. Tell the clinicians there what your worries are - there will be a senior clinician on site if you wanted a 1-1 chat. Absolutely no-one will make you do anything you are uncomfortable with, and if you decide not to go ahead, then that is also absolutely fine. Hopefully, you will find the experience at the centre is worlds apart from the trauma you experienced as a child and gives your confidence a bit of a boost, whether or not you decide to go ahead with your vaccination. Wishing you all the best

I agree. My dd has a needle phobia and anxiety. She understood how important it was to get the vaccine so booked into a vaccine centre. We explained the situation every step of the way. They allowed me in with her, reassured her how she was feeling was perfectly normal and sent her to a nurse who was amazing with her. She didn't have a panic attack and was so glad she went.

CroydianSlip · 01/07/2021 17:29

You're both being incredibly unkind to a very young child.

A) She needs to isolate regardless. She has been in contact with a positive case and needs to do 10 days isolation from when she was last with that positive child.

B) Why on earth do you think she shouldn't have a nice time FFS? Have kids not missed out on enough in this last year? My DC have had to isolate many times and each and everytime we've made it an adventure, had special things to eat, movie nights with sleepovers/bedding downstairs, done baking, board games, obstacle courses in the garden, bbqs, campfires with marshmallows, audio books as a family etc etc. This is all just utterly miserable and shot and our kids may be affected for many years from interrupted education, physical and social opportunities etc. Why on earth would you want to double down rather than mitigate and alleviate?

You both need to stop, apologise, rethink and make this as good as it can be your poor dc is frightened, scared, anxious, lonely, sad and also now being punished. Horrible.

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 17:30

@dimples76

Love that

Squeakerfoot · 01/07/2021 17:30

The test can been relatively fine for some children and massively unpleasant, even unbearable, for others. Your husband is making it more and more daunting.

It's not on to insult your child like that and it's not going to help encourage her to get swabbed. I understand how frustrating it is. I have one child who hates the tests that much too and I've had moments of feeling impatient. It can take a really long time to get anywhere with it. However I've tried to encourage, explain, distract and reward as well as acknowledging that it is an unpleasant thing.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to punish my child for their fear of being swabbed, let alone to insult them. The most I've said about consequences was that if they did not let me test them we would be stuck in isolation and that would be really hard. But I also said that in a context of trying to work together to come up with the most comfortable plan for doing the test. However it sounds like you may be stuck in isolation even without a test so maybe leave it for now and then next time you need to test her, don't let your husband anywhere near.

Meanwhile I wouldn't let my partner say anything close to these things to my child.

Whatfreshhellisthis9 · 01/07/2021 17:32

DH called your DD bratty, stupid and ridiculous... ?! he may not last long in her affections as an adult. Sounds like a natural personality difference.

How would he like it in a similar scenario? Has he had say a vasectomy?
What adult resits to name calling when they don’t get what they want?

everythingbackbutyou · 01/07/2021 17:34

@DrSbaitso, my exh is just like this. OP's dh is fuelled by utter rage that his child/possession is not obeying God Almighty. Utterly devoid of compassion or empathy, all that matters is that he cannot control the situation with brute force.

saraclara · 01/07/2021 17:34

Jeeeze. That poor child. He's foul.

I'm also stunned that anybody, never mind both of you, still doesn't know, after sixteen months, that of course she has to isolate. She was indoors and a contact of someone with covid. How could you not know?

If you hadn't been so ignorant of the basic roles, she wouldn't have had to go through this farce of an attempt at testing in the first place.

Halo1234 · 01/07/2021 17:36

The name calling is too much and so is all the consequences. Your daughter needs to know when it comes to serious decisions mum and dad decide. Its OK to be nervous but its very black and white she has to do the test. I wouldnt have allowed her to refuse tbh. She is 8 she doesnt get to decide. What if she decides not to have her immunisations or brush her teeth or go to school. I get she is scared. I wouldn't have went down the road of punishments. I would have just said nothing else is happening until this is done. Tv off. No snacks. When the test is done we can get on with our day until then nothing is happening.
But fyi u still need to isolate. She has been in contact with a positive case. A negative lateral flow changes nothing. So I probably won't have done it in the first place.

a8mint · 01/07/2021 17:36

I would think if she was in contact withthis person only on Tuesday night, Thursday afternoon is far too early to get a reliable test result especially with lateral flow.

avocadotofu · 01/07/2021 17:38

Your husband sounds very controlling and abusive. Is he normally like this? Your poor daughter!

She is a close contact and she needs to isolate. Doing a lateral flow test will not change that and they are pretty inaccurate TBH.

Tiddleztheelephant · 01/07/2021 17:46

@whatwouldjudydo

You don't need to put it in her mouth just the nose - I think she should be okay with that surely? My 2 year old did it without a fuss I just played it completely cool and didn't make a fuss.

oh get lost!! Children are all different and respond to things in different ways. My 8 year old will do the test but cries his leg off every time. Once when we went to a test centre the woman at the desk said "how old is he?" In a shocked tone. Some children struggle more than others though.

Op, I really think you do need to isolate, ds has just done 10 days for almost the exact same situation.
And your husband (can't call him dear!!) sounds horrible.... kick him in the arse.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/07/2021 17:46

The LFD's in question are not validated for use in under 11's, even if they were contact with infection just 36 hours ago is unlikely to be long enough to be detectable by any test - both of your actions in getting the test are completely inappropriate, misguided and dangerous.

You need to apologise to your child, and listen to track & trace, not random made up rules of your own.

user1471505494 · 01/07/2021 17:47

Your husband is well on the way to being an abusive parent. I have grandchildren her age and I can no longer the throat swabs but can manage the nasal ones. Some people have an extremely strong gag reflex

ForeverSausages · 01/07/2021 17:48

Your husband is an absolute knob.

However, it may be worth getting her used to the tests. You don't have to do the tonsils, just both nostrils. My 6 year old much prefers that. He completely freaks if I try and swab his tonsils. He's now in his second isolation in 3 weeks and we have to do a PCR test for him to go back to school. Glad we got him used to the tests now (as awful as it was). Also, it helps if you let her do it so she knows it doesn't actually hurt and just tickles .

CoralSparkles · 01/07/2021 17:48

Your “D” H has gone insane! Your Dd doesn’t need the test. You haven’t been contacted so she doesn’t need to be kept at home. I’m an adult and I’m scared of shoving a swab high up my nose.

Your H is being abusive and causing unnecessary trauma.

Fiddliestofsticks · 01/07/2021 17:49

She needs to isolate. The rules are really very clear. She is a close contact of a positive case. A negative test doesnt get her out of isolation so it isnt necessary and wont help anything.

Remember, test and trace is not always the best. Brownies should have given them everyone's details and then test and trace should have called you. They havent, so legally I guess she doesnt have to isolate as no one will be checking, but use your bloody brain and think about all the other children she could be in contact with and how will you feel if she develops symptoms? Would you happily tell all the other school parents that you knew she had been a close contact but sent her anyway as no one specifically told you to isolate her? You wouldnt tell anyone because you know how angry everyone would be with you.

ViceLikeBlip · 01/07/2021 17:49

It's not up to you to decide whether or not she needs to isolate. Taking a lateral flow test doesn't affect the outcome of this situation at all.

As a side note, your husband sounds really nasty.

Youdiditanyway · 01/07/2021 17:50

My DD’s won’t have a test either. I took 8 year old DD for one last year when she had a cough and I’ve never seen her scream like it before or since, she was writhing around screaming in the back of the car like someone was murdering her. It was traumatic for both her and me, I just wouldn’t bother putting her through it again. 10 year old DD won’t even let me near her with a swab.

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