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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shall I just leave DCs in their rooms all summer?

297 replies

Lalallama · 01/07/2021 15:30

It feels as though its getting more and more difficult to find things to do with the DCs now they're older (12 and 14) and I've started to dread the summer holidays. We have no holiday booked (cancelled due to Covid) and the DCs just don't seem to want to do anything. I'd be completely happy if they just hung out with their friends all summer but neither of them ever want to see friends Sad. I've suggested things we could do together (cinema, beach, Go Ape, escape room, etc) and they're not particularly enthusiastic about any of them so I don't want to spend loads of money on something they don't really want to do. They're not interested in bike rides or anything outdoorsy.

At weekend they just stay in their rooms apart from coming out for meals or helping with washing up, etc. They seem quite happy doing this, although occasionally say they're bored but can't think what they would like to do.

Do I just accept they're introverted and happy to spend the summer alone, or do I try to drag them out to get some fresh air and exercise even though nobody really wants to? I'm saying 'I' as DH and I are taking several days each off work so I'm just thinking about the days I'm with them, although much of the time the DCs will be have to be keeping themselves entertained while we're both working anyway.

It just feels so different from what their friends do or what I used to do as a child and feels a bit unhealthy.

OP posts:
nowanotherone · 01/07/2021 15:33

I have a 12 year old and wouldn't allow this. It's no good at all for them. The odd day yes but not days on end. Mine is booked into a watersports club with friends one week, UK holiday another week, bikeability course for a couple.of days and will do a lot of tennis. I will organise some days out as well with their friends. If I let him.he would do the same as yours want to do but I know that he is happier and a nicer boy when he has actually done things.

Original poster
Lalallama · 01/07/2021 15:37

Yes mine are both happier when they're done things as well. But they're so shy - there is no way I could get either of them to do any of those activities. I encourage them to arrange to meet friends or invite them to ours, but they never want to. I can't really arrange that for them as I don't know their friends' parents.

OP posts:
kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 15:39

nope

I wouldn't let them in their bedrooms all weekend either!

Sports camp of their choice (or mine if they really cannot make their mind up), week away with cousins or friends, meet up with friends, days on the beach or pool, camping here and there.

Mine are not allowed screens in their bedroom, and even during the holidays game times is severely limited.

Ultimately, it's for their own good, trying new things, making new friends or keeping existing ones. It's not a life to spend 6 weeks locked up in a bedroom.

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 15:40

But they're so shy - there is no way I could get either of them to do any of those activities.

they go to school don't they. Holiday camps work exactly the same.
It's not as a punishment, it's for them!

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 15:40

Martial arts are brilliant for young people like that too.

nowanotherone · 01/07/2021 15:42

Ah it's hard when you don't know the friends parents. Like the watersports thing we've arranged with a group of his friends so it's just his friends in the group.
Are there any activities they would like if it was with a friend? If so you could ask them to get their friend to give their parents details to you so you could contact them and ask if they're interested in organising some things for them to do together maybe. It is difficult as they get older, especially when they're shy. Alternatively I would put a screen time limit on their phones.. gets boring in your room when the screen time has run out and other options become.more interesting!

Cupidity · 01/07/2021 15:43

My rough rule is a that they need to leave the house once a day, weather permitting - it can be for anything. So a walk to the corner shop to pick up milk, meeting their friends, walking into town for starbucks, a couch25k run admittedly I had to offer financial incentives if they completed it, getting dragged out to an English heritage site by me & dh.

This apparently makes me an incredibly mean mother some days.

But even though they claim to hate having to go out, they kind of manage to enjoy themselves when they're there.

They know that there is the expectation that they leave the house once a day, and if they can't think of anything to do then it becomes my choice which will be even more boring than anything they could think of.

BarbarianMum · 01/07/2021 15:43

I have one like this, hes 13. I dont know if it's the right thing to do but we are insisting he emerges for several hours a day and engages with the world. As he's unenthusiastic about - oh just about everything - he gets a choice of 2 activities or is just told what is happening. Sometimes it's chores

FakeColinCaterpillar · 01/07/2021 15:44

I’m struggling with this also. We have some things planned but holidays, trips to go away have been cancelled.
There aren’t really any holiday clubs where I live apart from drama and football which would be a literal nightmare for DD. She did go to a music one which is not running because of covid.
We do have some day trips with friends booked but I miss all the smaller activities we did when she was younger - crafts at the museum and then an hour in the park. It was so much simpler!

Orangesandlemons77 · 01/07/2021 15:47

Mine are like this too OP, but 16 and 12. The elder one has just with encouragement got a part time holiday job.

I guess it is the start of the teenage years, it is different to when they were younger isn't it.

Beamur · 01/07/2021 15:47

I wouldn't actually let them do nothing for 6 weeks.
Maybe say they will be doing one activity a week with you, no arguments. They can choose or you'll choose for them and you expect them to have a good attitude to boot about it.
I wouldn't force them to do clubs but I would expect them each to do at least one useful or interesting thing each day!

Original poster
Lalallama · 01/07/2021 15:51

I don't know of any children around here who go to holiday clubs, so they wouldn't know anyone there. They're fine at school because they're become familiar with everyone over several years.

We only allow devices in their rooms for a certain amount of time a day so they're not using those - they tend to read or draw.

Over the last year we have made them go out somewhere every day, especially during lockdown to get some fresh air, and I wonder whether that's partly why I've lost motivation for dragging them out as we're all sick of it! Everyone is much happier when they're in their school routine. Its weird though that they love seeing their friends at school and don't want to see them out of school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lalallama · 01/07/2021 15:54

Yes it was much easier when they were younger - so many options that they enjoyed, and we also used to hang out with friends and their kids. From what DC says, most of his friends hang out in the park and play football and he's just not interested in football so he doesn't want to do that, which seems fair enough, but I'd like him to do something!

Making them do one activity a week sounds like a good plan. I also think doing something separately with each of them might work better as they can't agree on anything they both want to do, but I might find something that one of them does.

OP posts:
TheTurn0fTheScrew · 01/07/2021 15:56

it's hard. At this age you can't force them. I might be tempted to have some sort of Lesser Evils family meeting. Agree on a minimum level of family engagement you'd like to see (2 days/week perhaps) and that either they can plan something of their choosing (not necessarily an outing, but baking/art activity at home, board games marathon), or you'll choose for them. I would also be suggesting that if they're uninspired I would be happy to find things for them to do - mowing the lawn, washing the car, whatever you need doing - which will need to be done in return for the wifi password .

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 16:01

It's not doing them any favour to stick to what they know and not get out of their comfort zone a little bit.

At some point, they will have to leave home and go to uni or move out to get a job! Imagine how hard it is if you are shy and have never done anything.

I would ask on my local groups what is available in your area. Even a swimming course or horse riding could be good, and doesn't involve socialising too much.

Iamblossom · 01/07/2021 16:02

This firmly sits with Pick Your Battles in my opinion.

DS1 is 16 and I can't keep him indoors. He lives at the Skatepark and is otherwise fishing or with friends.

DS2 would quite happily sit in his bedroom all day and night on his PS4. I make him walk our dog, or come down for some chores, but I am not militant about it. He goes to a drama group at the weekend, and after a few days he will have a spate of meeting up with mates, and then he'll have a few chill days again.

I refuse to start laying down the law, he will figure it out, I don't let it get to a point where he hasn't seen the light of day for 4 days straight but he is very good at amusing himself and certainly wouldn't appreciate me organising his every waking minute.

And yes, when they were younger, they went to a kids club every day that we weren't on our summer holiday. £££££££££££

hellywelly3 · 01/07/2021 16:02

It’s so hard when they’re older. It’s much easier and cheaper to entertain when they’re younger

LuxOlente · 01/07/2021 16:05

They’re difficult but not impossible ages. I would say book the things anyway and they might find they have a good time. A lot of people are struggling with lockdown, even when restrictions are over, and finding motivation.

For me I feel it’s my role to book things and take the kids and show them things are alright again, and it’s OK to have fun. We’ve an Escape Room planned, skateboarding lessons, a week of Forest school for older kids (they can use saws…), a short UK break and hillwalking. At that age they’ll be old to think about a residential activity camp perhaps. There's a Ryan Reynold's movie out in August which I'm sure will be a highlight for young teens and gamers, we're looking forward to that.

Staying in their rooms alone isn’t good for them. They need to see what life has to offer if they hope to engage with it someday.

TheOrigRights · 01/07/2021 16:09

Well I'll be working for 4 weeks of the 6 week school holiday so all I can do it encourage my 12 YO out or book him into camps (which unless it's something he loves he won't want to go). I can't spend days on end with him doing stuff so he'll just have to figure it out.

I'm hoping the village kids sort themselves out and spend all day every day with each other.

FunTimes2020 · 01/07/2021 16:12

Do your DC play/hang out together and do you have a garden? If so, would they play badminton or even darts or something outside?

TheOrigRights · 01/07/2021 16:16

@LuxOlente is the big kids forest school a national thing?

DaisyArtichoke7 · 01/07/2021 16:17

So they like to read and draw? Nothing wrong with those activities. Why don't you encourage them towards something creative during the holidays. There are plenty of free / low cost art tutorials on the internet - eg skillshare free trial / youtube (or an art course book if you don't want screens) Art and creativity is so good for mental health. Also if they are shy and introverted they may well need a few weeks of low social contact to recharge - I know I did. A daily walk maybe and doing some art stuff sounds like heaven to me. If you are really bothered ask them to arrange to meet up with a friend a few times when they are ready. Ignore all comments about how they won't make it in the real world - believe me they will be fine.

babbaloushka · 01/07/2021 16:18

Why not read or draw together? We used to pack up a picnic and take it to the local park, sit and do watercolours of the flowers. Easy, cheap and fun. We did lots of variations of this when money was tight, picnic and card games, picnic and reading etc.

They used to enjoy helping me pack up the bag, choose the snacks and occasionally we'd go into town together to choose some art supplies, then do silly watercolours of each other or make fantasy maps or monsters, anything you can think of. Still do it with my younger ones who are 16 now, it's fun and relaxing, they seem to enjoy it even if they pretend they're just indulging me.

parietal · 01/07/2021 16:23

i book mine in to a summer camp at least each other week so that there is something going on. there are art camps, computer programming, sailing, biking etc. they normally don't know anyone else there but still manage OK.

picnic & art is a good idea, even if just in the garden
also give them the job of planning & cooking a meal once a week

can they walk to the library to get new books to read (not sure if they are open at the moment)? or meet a school friend for a walk / picnic?

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 16:26

Ignore all comments about how they won't make it in the real world - believe me they will be fine.

no one said they wouldn't make it, but that it would be harder. They ARE in the real world already Hmm