Shall I just leave DCs in their rooms all summer?

[Lalallama]

It feels as though its getting more and more difficult to find things to do with the DCs now they're older (12 and 14) and I've started to dread the summer holidays. We have no holiday booked (cancelled due to Covid) and the DCs just don't seem to want to do anything. I'd be completely happy if they just hung out with their friends all summer but neither of them ever want to see friends . I've suggested things we could do together (cinema, beach, Go Ape, escape room, etc) and they're not particularly enthusiastic about any of them so I don't want to spend loads of money on something they don't really want to do. They're not interested in bike rides or anything outdoorsy.

At weekend they just stay in their rooms apart from coming out for meals or helping with washing up, etc. They seem quite happy doing this, although occasionally say they're bored but can't think what they would like to do.

Do I just accept they're introverted and happy to spend the summer alone, or do I try to drag them out to get some fresh air and exercise even though nobody really wants to? I'm saying 'I' as DH and I are taking several days each off work so I'm just thinking about the days I'm with them, although much of the time the DCs will be have to be keeping themselves entertained while we're both working anyway.

It just feels so different from what their friends do or what I used to do as a child and feels a bit unhealthy.

At 14, I was already starting to babysit and earn a bit of pocket money. I wouldn't give a full time job to a young teen, or pre-teen, but there's a healthy balance.

As a kid that age I also enjoyed computer games, reading and drawing. In fact at 12, I spent summer going through my dad’s entire CD collection getting myself a music taste that I then used to make new friends at my new school with my new interest. I made mix cds. I still listen to mixes as playlists and I really bonded with Dad even though I didn’t let him take part. He just listened afterwards. I made the covers on photoshop.

Basically your kids probably has a hobby there - just share in whatever it is that they make or read at meal times and they will probably start showing you things unprompted.

May be then you can go out for art supplies or to gallery or something or share something you make in return. Crafts can be good if your kid actually likes said craft!

If I had been taken to a sports club I would have actually thought that my world had ended and written notes in spiky black pen about the grave injustices I had to face. School took us on a water sports thing once and made us keep a diary which I recently threw out - I was so angst ridden!

Yep they want to be in their rooms all day this age, my teenagers do. I do try and get out with them for a walk , a drive and then park up and walk (evenings!) or just a coffee shop visit. We are getting away a few nights also though, cant do the whole summer and not go away, even if just overnight .

@Weebleweeble

Gosh, so this is them flor life because they're shy- so as adults they'll find a job which gives them enough to live on then scuttle to their bedrooms the rest of the time???

Maybe they’ll just grow up into introverts, which is fine? I loved spending all summer in my room and I’m a perfectly functional adult who still enjoys time alone.

I must say I did spend most of my summer reading at DDs age, like obsessively. I lived miles from my friends and we couldn’t afford the bus fare to go to town that much, parents didn’t play taxi. I was bored out of my mind though.

I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old. I'd like them to be out more however given the terrible 16 months they've had I'm not going to insist.

Sometimes they go out, other days they spend in their rooms. It is up to them really.

I did buy swingball and every so often I text them to say 'swingball' and that gets them out for 5 minutes

Teens are busy during the school year and can't do everything on top of the school year. What a waste not to make the most of the holidays.

What you consider "making the most of the holidays" is my idea of hell. Surely as an adult, you know that not everyone enjoys the same things? So why would it be any different for DC?

My parents forced me into tonnes of "activities" as a child and all it did was breed huge amounts of resentment.

There are 7 days in a week, more than enough time to relax AND have a bit of fun too.

I don't consider any of the thing you listed in your posts to be "fun" though, and that's the point. You may enjoy learning languages, playing tennis or cycling, but many don't and that's okay too.

The job of a parent is to help them find what interest them and encourage to have a life.

How are you defining "having a life", though? Because your list of activities and keeping busy is not a "life" to me in the slightest, lol. I mean, if you enjoy all those things, crack on, but I don't see why you have to force your teenagers to do them too.

*cupsofcoffee

I don't consider any of the thing you listed in your posts to be "fun" though, and that's the point. You may enjoy learning languages, playing tennis or cycling, but many don't and that's okay too.

that's completely irrelevant what YOU enjoy from a random list here. As a parent, you can figure out what your own kids would enjoy and would benefit them. Of course you would dismiss the examples I give, but i am sure even you could come up with something?

How are you defining "having a life", though?
not being lonely locked up in a bedroom in the summer after months of lockdown for a start.

It's lazy parenting and selfish to have kids who end up at the end of the summer having done nothing, have nothing to tell, while the rest of their friends (if they even have any) had a great summer.

Some things they will like, some things they don't, and some they thank you later for when they realise it was a useful use of their time.

What kids resent is not having the opportunities all their friends have. They won't thank you for it. Not pretending that the lack of most of travel this year is making things easy, but you have to make the most of what you can do.

@BarbarianMum

I have one like this, hes 13. I dont know if it's the right thing to do but we are insisting he emerges for several hours a day and engages with the world. As he's unenthusiastic about - oh just about everything - he gets a choice of 2 activities or is just told what is happening. Sometimes it's chores

Excellent! 👏

Are you me? Mine are the same age and impossible to move. They've had years of hating holiday clubs and are thrilled they never have to go again.

I try to make sure we have 1 or 2 planned activities per week during the summer. So maybe zip lining, kayaking something like that. Mine hate team sports, generally socialising unless its online and too old for summer camps. I found that if you get a good box set or a TV show you can all watch together it's gets them out of their room and gets them chatting to you. Also bribing with food helps too, lunch out, cake and coffee

Honestly no- that would be really bad for them. Could you sit down and say - look, some days you can chill but 2 days out of 5 you have to do something - if your son has friends in the park playing football, he could take a book/ whatever and go hang in the park with them

Part of the problem of teenagers (not their fault!) now is that they are allowed to spend all day indoors - it directly increases their anxiety and shyness.

No they might not love a holiday club to start with - but the whole point of stuff like that is to broaden their horizeons and increase their confidence.

Make them write a list of their mates and say you will pay for them to have a day out with them? Look up every single local holiday club/ youth club etc and make thme pick one?

Teach them resilience - tell them they have to leave the house for 3 hours one day and if they want they can walk/ read in the park/ meet a mate?

The more they stay in their room all day the more they will be afraid of the world.

Even though I was a lazy teen who did no sport I agree with the poster who said - teens/ humans are not designed to slob around being sedentary with no sunlight all day - they really aren't.

We have an epidemic of depression and anxiety among young people and part of it is lack of exercise - British teenagers are among the most sedentary in the world I read recently.

I just think that being forced up and out and off for a bike ride, literally if all they do is cycle round town watching the world go by and hating you for making them do it - is important for them

It's odd.

For months we have heard non stop about the damage of the lockdown on young people, about how unnatural and unhealthy the lack of socialising and physical activities affect them, and how we basically ruined their lives by preventing them from doing anything.

I don't disagree with that.

But come the summer holidays, and suddenly people pipe up saying that home isolation is actually what kids need?

Sorry but I don't buy it.

This would be my two eldest 14 and 15 year old if l let them. But it's unhealthy and bad for their mental health. I stick to no screens (including phones) in the day. Then they have to engage in family activities/day trips at least twice a week. Come down for all meals, cook once, go out the house for at least an hour a day. I encourage them to ring up friends to make plans or spend more time with me. The friends usually win 😁

@Umbra

Let them be.

Extroverts trying to bully introverts, as usual.

Exactly this. Just let them have a Summer doing what they want to do. Stop trying to make yourself feel better to fit in with parents forcing their reluctant kids to do stuff just so they can feel better about themselves and win the Top Parent award. There is nothing wrong with people just chilling out and relaxing and doing what they want. Everything doesn't have to be forced and busy and outdoorsy - it isn't a one size fits all. It's crazy.

@kindaclassy. I agree. Lockdown weight gain is a real thing. The average child has gained half a stone. The last thing most kids need is more time at home in their rooms.

My children were quite sociable when they were younger but they all were not so bothered about seeing friends every day during school holidays.TBH I really think that a 12 and 14 year old is old enough to know that they don’t want their school holidays micromanaged. There is absolutely no way that my children would have been happy being told that they are doing this fun day and that activity! I genuinely think that just chilling and not being pressurised is the best approach.
As long as they know that you are open to any ideas from them and happy to pay for trip outs ,have friends over ,give lifts if necessary I would leave them be .

that's completely irrelevant what YOU enjoy from a random list here. As a parent, you can figure out what your own kids would enjoy and would benefit them. Of course you would dismiss the examples I give, but i am sure even you could come up with something?

Most of what I enjoy involves being indoors and alone - which probably doesn't fit any of your criteria, lol, and tbh the same applied when I was a teenager. Even as an adult I don't like being outside doing activities of any kind on my days off.

It's lazy parenting and selfish to have kids who end up at the end of the summer having done nothing, have nothing to tell, while the rest of their friends (if they even have any) had a great summer.

Why on earth is it selfish and lazy to allow your DC to do what they like, even if that involves being on their own a lot of the time? It's also pretty rude of you to assume that introverted DC don't have any friends, too. Not everyone likes being surrounded by people and not everyone cares about having "something to tell" about their holidays. As long as I had fun and enjoyed myself, I don't much care what others think about how I spend my time.

What kids resent is not having the opportunities all their friends have. They won't thank you for it. Not pretending that the lack of most of travel this year is making things easy, but you have to make the most of what you can do.

Having opportunities is very different from forcing your DC to do activities they don't enjoy, though. I had lots of opportunities as a child and yes, I enjoyed some of them, but I still resented being forced to attend activity camps when I didn't enjoy them.

They may not seem to want to do anything at the moment but that doesn't always last. They are 'big' children and I don't see how you can insist on them doing stuff if they don't want to. Best to view it as a phase, plenty of youngsters are the same.

Spending weekends slobbing at home in their bedroom isn’t too bad but it’s unhealthy to do that for the whole of summer.
Everyone needs social contact, exercise, fresh air, to be productive and to be mentally stimulated.
Have a discussion with your dc and see how they can incorporate those needs into their days.

I'd let them read and draw - but insist they come out with me for a good walk every day. What about you all playing some board games or card games together if they get bored?
Not everyone needs social contact beyond their family, especially having had it all day for so long at school. I certainly don't and nor does my DS. That's just what extroverts assume.

I didn't have any friends when I left primary. Used to knock about a bit with the kids on my street, but they weren't what friends were supposed to be like. Summer after yr7 my friends lived too far too see without extensive planning. I read. A lot. I wrote stories. I probably visited grandparents for a chat.

I am now one of those irritating people who posts pictures of their runs and can't turn down an invitation. The person you are at 12 is not the person you grow up into.

Ds is quite similar, although he games with mates. It drives me mad and I think he needs more fresh air. But I'm a massive hypocrite.

I don’t recall my parents doing anything for us at that age beyond our one week camping holiday. We were left to our own devices to fill our days. If we complained of boredom we got chores to do.

DD is pretty much the same. We aren’t striving to fill her holiday with “fun” things to do. She potters about doing whatever takes her fancy.