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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shall I just leave DCs in their rooms all summer?

297 replies

Lalallama · 01/07/2021 15:30

It feels as though its getting more and more difficult to find things to do with the DCs now they're older (12 and 14) and I've started to dread the summer holidays. We have no holiday booked (cancelled due to Covid) and the DCs just don't seem to want to do anything. I'd be completely happy if they just hung out with their friends all summer but neither of them ever want to see friends Sad. I've suggested things we could do together (cinema, beach, Go Ape, escape room, etc) and they're not particularly enthusiastic about any of them so I don't want to spend loads of money on something they don't really want to do. They're not interested in bike rides or anything outdoorsy.

At weekend they just stay in their rooms apart from coming out for meals or helping with washing up, etc. They seem quite happy doing this, although occasionally say they're bored but can't think what they would like to do.

Do I just accept they're introverted and happy to spend the summer alone, or do I try to drag them out to get some fresh air and exercise even though nobody really wants to? I'm saying 'I' as DH and I are taking several days each off work so I'm just thinking about the days I'm with them, although much of the time the DCs will be have to be keeping themselves entertained while we're both working anyway.

It just feels so different from what their friends do or what I used to do as a child and feels a bit unhealthy.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 02/07/2021 16:54

Well, unless OP is psychic, she can't predict the future!
Well I'm sure she knows her DC and their routine when out of school.
Like I know my DD would do it if allowed.

Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 16:55

@cupsofcoffee

Do you have children?

MissKeithsNeice · 02/07/2021 16:57

A big yes to the PP who said to role model the behaviours they would like for their children.

I hope my children take part in regular exercise when they grow up. Its hugely beneficial to their mental and physical health.

I reguarly exercise. Time and time again, my dc have seen either me or DH go out for a run feeling rubbish and come back feeling much better. Im hugely rubbish at sport, but they've seen me teach myself to swim and get loads better at yoga.

Thats hugely more impactful than me setting up a fixed expectation that they need to do X amount of organised physical activity per day/week.

Parenting is a long game. Sure, my dd may not exercise for another decade but in the meantime she knows i don't judge her for wanting to lurke in her room, scrolling through BookTok.

Parents with rigid expectations about activities for teenagers make me cringe a bit. Its like they haven't realised that their kids are no longer 8.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/07/2021 16:59

Yep cupofcoffee!

The lockdown walks😖

JumpLeadsForTwo · 02/07/2021 17:05

I'm jumping on for ideas - youngest DD is booked on a weeks water activity course, but eldest hates the thought of it. They both hated the summer camps when younger. It is hard when you are working and have to juggle that and making sure they aren't in their room all the time you are out.

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 17:09

[quote Scaredycat87]@cupsofcoffee

Do you have children?[/quote]
No, but in the nicest way, why is that relevant?

I was a teenager and I am still grateful that my parents never forced me into being sociable or into doing things I clearly had no interest in :)

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 17:11

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Yep cupofcoffee!

The lockdown walks😖

God, I have a dog so I'm out anyway, but I was SO sick of my local area after a month, let alone a full year Grin

As a teenager, there is no way I'd be enticed out to go for a nice, wholesome "daily walk" lol. But left to my own devices I found plenty of things to do - but I didn't need my parents to plan it all for me, which I think is the key point isn't it?

At some point you have to let them make their own choices.

Scaredycat87 · 02/07/2021 17:18

No, but in the nicest way, why is that relevant?

It’s relevant. It’s very relevant.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/07/2021 17:24

A big yes to the PP who said to role model the behaviours they would like for their children.
I role model until the cows come home.
I don't know where I got my DD or why she chooses a life of solitude with little motivation plus she's very messy too.
@cupsofcoffee I'm sorry to say it's relevant in this situation.
Things have changed preteens/teens aren't having quite time or reading, they're stuck to screens, sometimes watching things they shouldn't be, the MH crisis amongst them is horrendous and as a parent it has damaged my DC to the point I worry for her social skills.
As mentioned I'm trying to change her slowly but surely.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 17:28

Right, but who says it'll be for the whole summer? We're in July and most schools haven't even broken up yet. It's a bit soon to be panicking.

no need to panic, but if you want to book anything, you should have done it by now if you want a spot.

The last thing you want is only being to suggest a "daily walk" because that's all there's left.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 17:29

No, but in the nicest way, why is that relevant?
Of course it's relevant fgs!

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 17:30

No, but in the nicest way, why is that relevant?

of course it's relevant. It's easy to be the perfect parent and have a vision when you don't have the responsibility of real children, with their own personality and needs. And you also tend to be blissfully unaware of the environment and social need and pressure they face.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 17:35

Why not listen to the people who do have children and learn from them, rather than trying to explain where we are all going wrong? The non parent equivalent of mansplaining!

cupsofcoffee · 02/07/2021 17:41

@Bryonyshcmyony

Why not listen to the people who do have children and learn from them, rather than trying to explain where we are all going wrong? The non parent equivalent of mansplaining!
How patronising.
MissKeithsNeice · 02/07/2021 17:44

I don't know where I got my DD or why she chooses a life of solitude with little motivation plus she's very messy too... 'm trying to change her slowly but surely

If your dd has any inkling that her parent thinks so poorly of her then tackling her mental health is going to be an uphill struggle.

Bryonyshcmyony · 02/07/2021 17:46

How patronising oh really? No more so than someone with literally no idea of what it's like to be a parent in the 21st century telling us all how to do it in a really scathing way.

Original poster
Lalallama · 02/07/2021 17:49

Blimey I've never started a thread that's bad this many comments before!

Just to clarify, as I've said in previous posts:

  • They're not on screens in their rooms, they're only allowed them for a certain amount of time per day. The 14 year old reads, a complete book worm. The 12 year old potters - draws, writes stories, makes up quizzes, chats on the phone to friends.
  • They come down to help with meals and eat meals with us.
  • I've said I'm going to plan some things to try to get them out of the house. I know it's not healthy for them, that's why I started this thread to try to work out whether it was normal teenage behaviour and I should leave them to it if they're happy or whether I should arrange stuff to do.

I model healthy behaviour, eg, go out on my bike every day, DH cycles to work. We've tried on several occasions to have a family bike ride but they really don't enjoy it. Anyway, I'm leaving the thread now as some of the comments feel a bit nasty (not necessarily towards me but just in general).

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 02/07/2021 17:55

If your dd has any inkling that her parent thinks so poorly of her then tackling her mental health is going to be an uphill struggle.
Nice. I'm realistic of her short comings and trying to help her, she needs extra help with organising skills.
I don't want her to grow up a hermit with no social or organisational skills who'll live with shit piled up around her.
I've an adult family member who lives like that its frightening the excuses they make for their life.
I'll do everything I need to change her ways.
I don't say this to her but allowing her lock herself away won't help her MH either.
Believe me I constantly strive to help my DC function in the real world.

AliceLivesHere · 02/07/2021 18:06

Not way - that's not healthy at all.
Even a walk is better than nothing. The overall wellbeing is not good when just sat inside, assume on gadgets/phones and doing little. Really a very bad idea.
Parks are free, walks are free. Do you live near a beach.
I take mine to the local National Trust gardens and in the huge outdoor area of the woods they den build and generally play. Many things cost nothing at all.
If you can afford it then mine surf at least twice a week in the summer, kayak, visit outdoor centres for high ropes/archery/shooting/assault courses etc.

So important for both physical and mental health.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 18:06

cupsofcoffee

but you are spectacularly missing that by the time they reach 12 or 14, you have had years of experiencing imposing decisions and choices on your children, some they very strongly fought against and complained about. Then realised that it wasn't such a bad thing after all...
And be so grateful you did.

Parents try to see the big picture and long -term, your kids can't always see that at the time.

A parent job is to... parent, not try to have an easy life.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/07/2021 18:08

I take mine to the local National Trust gardens and in the huge outdoor area of the woods they den build and generally play

How old are your teens?!!!! Mine wouldn’t play!

EmeraldShamrock · 02/07/2021 18:12

My nephew spent every summer in his room, he left university mid course couldn't wait to get home to play games all day.
Yes he has poor MH though years of being alone with no social interactions only school haven't helped.
His DM cleans his cesspit weekly.

HarrisMcCoo · 02/07/2021 18:14

I have pre-booked tickets to the national museum on Chambers Street for the family during the summer holidays. And science centre too. They just accept there's fun stuff on offer and it beats fannying around on consoles. Can do that when weather is rubbish.

Arrowheart · 02/07/2021 18:55

So let me get this straight, someone who isn't a parent is telling parents how to parent? Oh. Ok then.

kindaclassy · 02/07/2021 19:03

@Arrowheart

So let me get this straight, someone who isn't a parent is telling parents how to parent? Oh. Ok then.
In fairness, you are such a better parent when you don't have to deal with these pesky and contrary kids 😂
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