Shall I just leave DCs in their rooms all summer?

[Lalallama]

It feels as though its getting more and more difficult to find things to do with the DCs now they're older (12 and 14) and I've started to dread the summer holidays. We have no holiday booked (cancelled due to Covid) and the DCs just don't seem to want to do anything. I'd be completely happy if they just hung out with their friends all summer but neither of them ever want to see friends . I've suggested things we could do together (cinema, beach, Go Ape, escape room, etc) and they're not particularly enthusiastic about any of them so I don't want to spend loads of money on something they don't really want to do. They're not interested in bike rides or anything outdoorsy.

At weekend they just stay in their rooms apart from coming out for meals or helping with washing up, etc. They seem quite happy doing this, although occasionally say they're bored but can't think what they would like to do.

Do I just accept they're introverted and happy to spend the summer alone, or do I try to drag them out to get some fresh air and exercise even though nobody really wants to? I'm saying 'I' as DH and I are taking several days each off work so I'm just thinking about the days I'm with them, although much of the time the DCs will be have to be keeping themselves entertained while we're both working anyway.

It just feels so different from what their friends do or what I used to do as a child and feels a bit unhealthy.

@Scaredycat87

Do they not enjoy any sport OP?

It’s not that unusual not to. I don’t enjoy any kind of sport at all. Not to do, not even really to watch. We aren’t all interested. On the other hand, my DD (now 25) never spent all the hours in her room. She had no tv in there for a start, and when she was a young ore teen/teen she wasn’t allowed on the internet unless I was in the room (I didn’t snoop, just my presence meant she wasn’t tempted by dodgy sites).

I would earmark at least a couple of days per week when you make them go out and do things , if you have some consecutive days off work you could do a short break staying in premier inn type places . When mine were that age we did short theme park tours in England , city breaks ( we still do them) other suggestions could be a llama walk , drive in cinema , outdoor theatre ( Illyria are doing a Shakespeare and a Gilbert and Sullivan this year all over the country and they put in a good performance ) .

My son loves to do active things but won't go unless he's with a friend.
I offer to take him somewhere and he won't go just with me. Difficult, as friends often away or have other plans.

@kindaclassy

You have to let them find the balance for themselves. Most of them, will eventually emerge from their cocoon for the odd cinema trip with friends etc, but generally speaking most teens hate having parents organise things, because parents are old crones and if they are encouraging you to do something it almost certainly isn't cool, and if it involves spending time with parents or siblings it is usually lame.

You have to let them find the balance for themselves.

that's just lazy parenting. At 12 years old, you don't wash your hands and let them sort themselves out.

It doesn't mean you have to micromanage and plan every second of their day, but it's up to you to ensure they have found something.

The THREAT of spending time with parents can be used if they can't find anything better to do though

I think you should do a couple of things with them, perhaps the lower cost ideas you have. It should not be left entirely up to them, and the opportunity to do things as a family may not be for many more years in future.

My teens spend a lot of time in their rooms but even in lockdown I insisted they went out every day either for a walk, bike ride or trip to the shops or something. If raining they did baking, art, tidied their rooms or helped with dinner. Spending 24/7 in your bedroom is not good for your physical or mental health. It is our job as parents to encourage healthy habits and having a break from screens and getting fresh air is something that they absolutely need to be encouraged to do.

It's not lazy parenting to let them find the right balance for themselves. Neither is it washing your hands of them. You let them know about any activities going on, and then they can choose to do them or not. At some point they will all pick something to do. They have made their choice no pressure, no forcing, and because they feel in control of their choices, they will occasionally grace you with their presence of entirely their own accord.

A lot of the activities listed are expensive. There was no way I could have afforded a fraction of that when mine were young, and lots of families will be the same. If the alternatives to being in their room is a walk with mum or scuffing round the park where they've been a thousand times, then its not such an easy choice.

Some kids get up early (any time from 6.30 in this house ) and the days are very long. There are many days to fill

My favourite memories as a teenager were long summers spent reading in my room alone, getting totally lost in a book world without anyone interrupting me. I couldn't have been less lonely. I did intersperse this with walking and to the library to get more books, and early morning cycling when no-one was around. Introverts do prefer to decompress in their rooms, somewhere they feel safe and comfortable, it's not a bad thing it's just different to extroverts idea of a good time. I'm sure they'll come out and let you know if they want to do something else.

@dementedma

A lot of the activities listed are expensive. There was no way I could have afforded a fraction of that when mine were young, and lots of families will be the same. If the alternatives to being in their room is a walk with mum or scuffing round the park where they've been a thousand times, then its not such an easy choice.

I think this is a really fair point, actually.

Lots of families can't afford language courses, week long horse-riding camps or anything else that people have listed on here as being "compulsory" for their kids.

I feel your pain. I think this is a very difficult age. There too old to be with 'looked after as such' but too young to be totally independent. I think as long as you keep giving them options that all you can do? Are there into any sports?

Where I live most holiday clubs only cater for under 11's which is a nightmare if you have 12 your old that you don't feel comfortable leaving home alone for 8hrs. I think there should be more provision for this age group. Have you looked at your local leisure centre, they sometimes have activities for kids? I'm going to book my daughter into a trampolining things, its only a hour & a half a day, but if I make her walk there & that should kill at least 2.5 hrs!! Good Luck whatever you do. Mine break-up on the 16th so have 7 weeks off this year...Eeek!!

Can you give them a budget and get them to plan and organise a day out per week each for you all. Have a few very small rules. Mum is happy to drive up to x miles. Mum happy to prep a picnic if budget is tight. And we need to be out of the house a minimum of x hours. Off you go.

Its a small risk. But its some responsibility. And makes them research and explore things. And if everyone is moany of doesnt give things a go it gives them a taste of how you feel.

Some exercise per day. Drawing or reading but in the garden. Bike ride to the library to all choose a haul of new books and then treat nearby? Trip into local town with second hand book shops or art supplier.

Errands. Being responsible for meal planning, shopping and cooking one lunch or evening meal per week each-life skills and get them moving and thinking.

Keep it realistic. Two days out per week well spaced out. Chores/responsibility once per day plus fresh air on homey days or one hour of family board game. If you try drag them out every day it sounds like it wont end well.

Are you well read on introverts?. I am one but not shy. If i socialise i need a lot of time to recharge and be quiet.

My 2 are similar. I tend to drag them out once a day (in the middle of the day 12-2 if I’m working) and leave them to it the rest of the time. I have told them they need to read in the school holidays, and I’ll encourage some creativity of some sort (knitting, manga drawing etc)

I think it needs a balance. And even if they do it with bad grace they will enjoy it deep down! What about agreeing with them in advance when you do something, maybe every other day/ 3 days a week and then stick to a rough routine, like Monday swimming, Wednesday park/ lunch out, Friday something like a bike ride/ hire a badminton court etc. Then maybe something a bit more novel once a weekend like clip n climb, visit family/ friends as a family or a trip to a beach/ lake/ nearby town. It’s a thankless task but I do think they will benefit and I suspect they do too. I would also agree that if they do the activities without excessive moaning you’ll let them be for the rest of the time.

It’s interesting that you say they like drawing and reading. When I was that age I spent huge chunks of the holidays drawing or reading, but I did it at the dining table or in the living room, so I was sort of with the family even if I was in my own world in my head. Everyone seemed quite happy with that. I would, however, have been utterly miserable had I been sent to a sports camp or forced to hang out with friends every day. Perhaps you can encourage them to do what they’re doing in their rooms in a communal space? Small things happen from that being the case rather than shut up in rooms - cups of tea, little chats, a passing hug. Different families have different set ups though of course - that won’t work for everyone.

Mine is almost 13 and although he has good friends he isn’t fussed about seeing them during the holiday - he’s an introvert extrovert so needs balance or it’s overwhelming. If we can’t get away in the holidays I tend to give him a couple of days chilling at the start of the hols to recharge his batteries as he’s completely exhausted from school, then we’ll plan something for every other day. The days he’ll stay in he’ll usually pop to the shops anyway, but I do think they need some time to rest - especially after this last year.

My teen has been walking Hadrian's Wall virtually www.theconqueror.events/hadrians/

I agree with pp who said send them to the supermarket and get them to do things slightly above their ability level, such as, paint a room, put up shelves, make a raised bed, plan, cook and serve a three course meal, dog walking or shopping for elderly neighbours, building a den etc... .

You have to be sneaky with teens though, because if you present something enthusiastically to them, they will probably turn their noses up at it. I've found that if I start doing something, like putting up flat pack furniture, and then call a teen down to help, they will happily take over. Its getting them started that's the hard bit. Similarly, going out on trips. You have to approach it indirectly, so ask them to accompany you on an errand and then "accidentally" come across the farmers market or sculpture park on the way home, with a burger thrown in.

Are 12 year olds so different to us 30 years ago? Surprised at the people who wouldn't leave them alone all day now. Ds is nearly 12. When he's been isolating, he's been asleep when I've left for work, but managed to get up, shower, get the recycling in, have lunch, do school work and xbox. It's been a bit of a revelation tbh, he's much more grown up without me around. Maybe 90s parenting wasn't so bad. Maybe too much involvement in our kids' lives keeps them too dependent on us.

I’m fairly sure they go through a stage in early puberty fairly similar to a caterpillar. They cocoon themselves in their rooms and emerge a beautiful (slighty more) social butterfly .

I was left to my own devices aged 11 in the summer holidays. Parents had two weeks off but the other four I was on my own. Lived very rurally with limited buses so I didn’t often go out. I was grand. Listened to all my music good and loud and played The Sims and chatted on MSN to all my friends. I remember it quite fondly now I never get an hour to myself let alone a whole day.

I find the key to luring mine out is to say ‘I haven’t got much in for dinner shall we go to Nandos or wherever?’. Once you’re out and chatting over dinner it’s much easier to say ‘Oh there’s something good on at the cinema down the road. Fancy it?’ or walk off dinner by the river at a leisurely pace.

Make them go on a walk, take some daily exercise too. It's very bad for their physical and mental health.

Personally I would leave them be. When I was a kid in the 80’s at their age, I stayed in bed until lunchtime then did what I wanted for the rest of the day whatever that was. I don’t recall my parents being too heavily involved. In fact none of my friends parents were either. We had a few rules like being in for your tea at a certain time but other than that it was pretty much anything goes. Why do parents think they know best? Obviously keep an eye out for signs of depression or loneliness but they may be as happy as a pig in shit doing what they are doing.

All these people planning things for their kids and having family days out and weeks doing an activity. Do you not work? We'll be working 5 days a week over the summer so just can't police what time our two get out of bed and how they spend their days.

We do have our two weeks annual leave which will be a family holiday but have no idea where we'll be going yet!

It's a very recent thing for parents to be so involved in what their teens get up to, I think.

All these organised activities and camps and extra lessons just seem so unnecessary to me, and they must be totally out of reach to most.