Shall I just leave DCs in their rooms all summer?

[Lalallama]

It feels as though its getting more and more difficult to find things to do with the DCs now they're older (12 and 14) and I've started to dread the summer holidays. We have no holiday booked (cancelled due to Covid) and the DCs just don't seem to want to do anything. I'd be completely happy if they just hung out with their friends all summer but neither of them ever want to see friends . I've suggested things we could do together (cinema, beach, Go Ape, escape room, etc) and they're not particularly enthusiastic about any of them so I don't want to spend loads of money on something they don't really want to do. They're not interested in bike rides or anything outdoorsy.

At weekend they just stay in their rooms apart from coming out for meals or helping with washing up, etc. They seem quite happy doing this, although occasionally say they're bored but can't think what they would like to do.

Do I just accept they're introverted and happy to spend the summer alone, or do I try to drag them out to get some fresh air and exercise even though nobody really wants to? I'm saying 'I' as DH and I are taking several days each off work so I'm just thinking about the days I'm with them, although much of the time the DCs will be have to be keeping themselves entertained while we're both working anyway.

It just feels so different from what their friends do or what I used to do as a child and feels a bit unhealthy.

What about suggesting a project that could last a few weeks/months? Could be to do with anything they're interested in really, Craft, science, art, community outreach, gardening, flower arranging, coding, inventing recipes, cake decorating, interior design, clothing design, build a life size Lego sculpture, upcycling?

Photography?

Mind all I did was traipse round the shops for hours on end or sneak off for a sly ciggy

Not all day every day but I’m content to leave my introverted 13yr year old in her room most of the weekend. She will do something’s like come in the hot tub with me when weathers nice or sit outside. She does chat to her friends & cousins on video calls. This summer I’m planning a few things that I know she will enjoy. We are having a mum and daughter weekend in London (we are only 40 mins always but will be nice). I am also taking her to see her cousins which she enjoys. We will go to my mums in wales, though she spends a fair time of time in the room she stays in then. She’s not a sports person at all, she’s not into organised clubs etc. She’s also very stubborn so no point forcing things on her

I think some screen time is fine, but it should be offset with time outside and if possible sometimes socialising. There's nothing wrong with introversion. Our education system and social media don't really accommodate this much (see books on teen psychology by Nicola Morgan on this) , yet so many people are shy, and that's Ok.

Lots of kids do not enjoy summer camps, don't want to sample a carousel of activities delivered by students on minimum wage, or be forced to spend time with other people's children. It's OK not to go this route. Quite honestly, not many people can afford these either.

I'd see if there are one or two good friends they could each see, and also insist on going out with them and ditching the screens for the morning and early afternoon of most days if you're able to.

But don't worry if they are shy and don't feel you have to do the same as some posters here who are possibly over-scheduling their kids.

I think a bit of socialising and some time home alone in the comfort zone is fine.

It's not really so much about organised activities @cupsofcoffee, more about thinking that bring permanently plugged in on line isnt that healthy. But I'm old.

@BarbarianMum

It's not really so much about organised activities *@cupsofcoffee*, more about thinking that bring permanently plugged in on line isnt that healthy. But I'm old.

But just because they're in their room, doesn't mean they're "plugged in" all day. And even if they do spend a lot of time on technology - so what? It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

You can do all sorts online - listen to music, read, watch television, movies or informative documentaries, chat to friends and family, learn to code or to write scripts for websites. You could play video games with friends or do things like play chess or scrabble or any other kind of game you can think of.

As a kid I was told off for always having my head buried in a book. I don't see how messing about on a screen is any different really - it's just another way to relax and pass the time.

People really don't need every last minute of their lives filled with wholesome activities! It's a very extroverted view of the world to insist that everyone has to be doing something productive every day.

I actually really don't know what this obsession with organised activities is all about? Why on earth everyone seems to think going out for bike rides is great. Do you not realise where MAMIL comes from. We are encouraging all these wonde

Posted to soon. We are encouraging and spending a fortune on all these hobbies only to then expect those hobbies to be dropped like hot potatoes at the first attempt of ttc

Op has already mentioned they like to read or draw!

Op don’t beat yourself up, a lot of kids are happy at home. Parenting is hard and lockdown has made a lot of kids feel like they just want to hang out at home as that’s been the norm. Go with the flow and if they like to draw and read if you have a garden encourage them to sit outside
To do some activities. All children are different as long as they are happy and healthy that’s all that matters.

I have a ds14. He does a paper round every day so I know he’s been out of the house for some fresh air each day!
I’ve also recently bought him a hammock so he gets some time in the garden in it - usually on his phone but again it’s out of his bedroom!
We always eat together of an evening and I’ll try and get him involved in the cooking once a week or so, and if the weathers nice we will eat outdoors.
Also he has cut the grass for me for a few££.
Time spent together outside of the house usually involves eating and/or spending money on them! Going out for lunch is a nice idea once a week. Maybe you could tag a walk onto the end of it! Or dessert in an ice cream shop?

I never had to spend more than 1 week stuck at home during the summer holidays when I was at school, primary and secondary, and I am so grateful for my parents for that. I couldn't not make the same efforts for my kids.

@kindaclassy

I never had to spend more than 1 week stuck at home during the summer holidays when I was at school, primary and secondary, and I am so grateful for my parents for that. I couldn't not make the same efforts for my kids.

Then you had a very privileged upbringing. Many parents can't afford for their children not to be "stuck at home" all summer.

@kindaclassy

I never had to spend more than 1 week stuck at home during the summer holidays when I was at school, primary and secondary, and I am so grateful for my parents for that. I couldn't not make the same efforts for my kids.

It's not just about effort though is it. It is about money and time.

I think being left on screen all day every day is very bad for them, both physically and mentally. No, I wouldn’t leave them to it. There would be clear expectations set.

@LemonRoses

I think being left on screen all day every day is very bad for them, both physically and mentally. No, I wouldn’t leave them to it. There would be clear expectations set.

Out of curiosity - what would you have them do instead and how would you enforce it if you were out at work all day?

It would never have become the norm. I wouldn’t leave twelve year olds (or fourteen for that matter) in unstructured, unsupervised activities all day every day for six or eight weeks.

I’d enforce by saying no.

Mine had jobs to do, had activities they had committed to, had studying or project work, had summer camps related to extracurricular activities, played tennis and swam. They stayed with friends and relatives occasionally. Together we’d do day or weekend trips, play board games, go for walks, bake and cook, visit grandma. Anything really, just build in variety.

parents are old crones and if they are encouraging you to do something it almost certainly isn't cool, and if it involves spending time with parents or siblings it is usually lame

Haha! So true. My 13-year-old has perfected the withering put-down of anything at all that I suggest. And god forbid I suggest anything I used to enjoy 'back in the dark ages when people didn't have computers', and this is despite pointing out that we had not only a ZX Spectrum, but an Atari too 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@cupsofcoffee

It's a very recent thing for parents to be so involved in what their teens get up to, I think.

All these organised activities and camps and extra lessons just seem so unnecessary to me, and they must be totally out of reach to most.

I don't think it is. I'm 55, and when I was 13 all I wanted to do was sit in my room and read. My mum got so sick of it that she booked me into a sports club and made me go (I'd shown I was quite good at it at school but had no real interest in anything except books). I ended up ranked 10th in the country for my age. Also met a huge group of friends including my first ever boyfriend. Don't do it now of course!

I would be telling them if they don't want to do activities as a family then they need to organise at least one trip out a week with friends. Doesn't have to be expensive full on days out, even things like bowling, swimming, cinema, ice skating etc are good. Just facilitate lifts , maybe with another parent doing collection of you do drop off ? Or make sure they know Joe to access bus time tables on their phones. My 12 year old loves sitting in her room but she also goes to to cadets twice a week, swimming weekly, and goes to her friends house over or twice (and that's in a school week). In the six weeks she will been getting the bus/train with a big group to the nearest city, bowling, swimming, roller and ice skating, camping, cinema, being a keeper for a day, have trips with cadets and we are going away for a week too.

Just to add OP that I'd leave them to do what they want for a fortnight then insist they go out every single day plus do a household chore plus choose a day out once a week.

I only have little kids so it's a bit easier to just take them out, but I was like this as a teen. It wasn't a 'screen time' thing because those things weren't really invented in my day, beyond tv, but I used to read and draw and was mega mega introverted.

The thing is, I probably seemed content but I was so bored and lonely. And jealous of people who were out doing things with friends. I would never have told my mum and dad this though!

They did realise that I needed bringing out of myself and basically made me go to drama camp. I was terrified and so so shy but I really loved it and even ended up going to drama college. My confidence increased and honestly, without all that I wouldn't be half as confident as I am now. I'm in my 40s and still shy and introverted but I really think that getting me out of my comfort zone as a teen changed my life for the better.

I'm not saying force them, but some people need to learn to interact with the world in a more social way. It's so important, even for introverts, because it can be crucial to enjoying and fully participating in university or work or whatever. Nothing wrong with being an introvert, but a lot of the world isn't set up for us and it's actually a life-skill to learn to push yourself out of that zone.

cupsofcoffee
Then you had a very privileged upbringing. Many parents can't afford for their children not to be "stuck at home" all summer.

Even people who work?

I think being left on screen all day every day is very bad for them, both physically and mentally

My ds loved gaming with his mates. He never came anywhere with me in his teens. He’s 27 now, works for a major news broadcasting company and is a joy to be around. It didn’t affect him in the slightest.

Nor does it affect dd. She loves it. She will come out with me though. How is playing games online with friends different from being with them?