AIBU - totally fed up on friends planning expensive stuff I can’t afford!!!

[Pixieb34]

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive!
I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce).
We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!!
Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids.
I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’
I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned.
Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more.
What you do?

Limousine to go to a dinner? That’s totally mad. Could you be selective about what you opt in to to cut costs? Eg go to the weekend but say you’ll just make your own way to dinner.
Or accept the weekends will be expensive but do them a lot less often - once a year rather than multiple times?

I would just cancel and say it's simply unaffordable you . If they start up about credit cards etc just keep saying you can't afford it but you'd love to join in with something cheaper.

Limousine? That’s totally excessive unless it’s your wedding or you’re 12

Ridiculous to suggest you put it on a credit card, and a limousine to go to dinner - that’s a bit weird and frankly I would decline it on the basis of that

Good luck. Stick to what is appropriate for you.

Just say “sorry I can’t afford that at the moment, have a nice time” repeat repeat repeat.
I have one friend who is constantly brassic, we do arrange stuff that we know she can afford (walks/picnics etc) but she can’t afford meals out etc and won’t accept being paid for, so we do occasionally go without her.

don't go - its sounds like they have VERY high disposable incomes & you don't.
I am also a sinle parent and I earn OK but I would never be able to spend that much money on a weekend away. I've always tried to live within my means and not run up debt so I would never choose to "put it on the credit card then".

If something is unaffordable to you, you really need to say so, not commit and then wish you hadn’t. You don’t need to opt out of everything just the most extravagant things.

Well it all sounds a bit excessive but have you actually, at any point, explained out loud that you cannot afford these things?
If you haven’t then this is on you.
If you have then they’re not very good friends to you and you need to start being more assertive.

Suggest doing things you can afford. Maybe mention how you miss the visits to lunch at each other’s houses? Could that be reinstated again?

A limo to go to dinner? That's awful.

don't go - its sounds like they have VERY high disposable incomes & you don't.

considering how blase they are about 'just stick it on the credit card' they may not be. And I'd find that really rude tbh - "oh get into debt for me, no big deal"

Either way, it's not fair to basically decide for you how you spend your money if you want to spend time with them. Considerate people take this sort of thing into account when organising stuff like birthday celebrations that other people will be paying for. Can you get out of certain parts of the trip (i.e. make your own way to dinner and don't contribute to the limo, stay in a travelodge rather than split expensive hotel etc). maybe when they have to stump up more for their share, they'll reconsider. I've known people who choose to do expensive stuff and shrug because "it's not that much cos it'll be split 5 ways", without actually checking with the other 4 as to whether they'd actually want to do whatever it is.

It's very tricky, I'm in the same situation with Uni mates, they have a far higher disposable income just due to the fact they all live with a partner whilst I'm on my own. I just have to say no if it's anything beyond an average dinner.

You just have to say no, sorry, no can do. And maybe plan some cheaper things that you can all do. I guess as people get wealthier they stop wanting to do everything on a tiny budget (I wont roomshare any more or stay in youth hostel dormitories any more fi) but I would splurge for a limo no matter how much money I had.

I would never suggest anything I knew a friend could not afford. ......are they really friends?

@Scarlettpixie

If something is unaffordable to you, you really need to say so, not commit and then wish you hadn’t. You don’t need to opt out of everything just the most extravagant things.

Exactly this.

It's not your friends' fault that they have higher incomes and wish to splash out a bit. Neither is it reasonable to expect them to only plan cheap stuff which you can afford.

This scenario was a whole Friends episode from memory. Though I can’t remember the ending!!’

I would probably just opt out of the expensive stuff. Dont fall out over it. Just be honest and say you can’t afford it.

If I couldn't afford it I just wouldn't go. They can afford it and they want to go so let them enjoy it and you enjoy your family holiday.

I think it's totally fine to join for some of the weekend but not all ! We have a mixed group like this and we all try to enjoy what we can without stopping others from picking the bits that suit them ! We also have a friend with a disability so often she joins us for a meal only but avoids any strenuous activities. As long as everyone is up front and open it works !

Do you organise any social events yourself?

What you do is not go and stop accepting invites to things you can’t afford , they are friends it’s not imperative that you do everything together .

THIS:

Just say “sorry I can’t afford that at the moment, have a nice time” repeat repeat repeat.

AND THIS:

I would never suggest anything I knew a friend could not afford. ......are they really friends?

Who gets a limo to dinner? So tacky! Decline on that basis alone.

If they are good friends then opt out of the stuff that is too expensive and suggest some cheaper catch ups at other times. Don't give in to pressure to stretch yourself it isn't worth it.

They don't seem very considerate though so if it is a wider issue then I would just drift away from them altogether.

Most of my friends have similar household incomes to me but a few a lot less. If they can't afford something I'm organising il do something cheaper just with them at another time. We were invited to go on holiday with friends a few years ago but it was very very expensive so OH said no as we already had a holiday booked. I just said to friend thanks for the invite but we can't afford it this year.

If you’ve already told them you can’t afford it and they still plough on them you may need to rethink your friends.
Alternatively organise something that you can afford?