AIBU - totally fed up on friends planning expensive stuff I can’t afford!!!

[Pixieb34]

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive!
I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce).
We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!!
Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids.
I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’
I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned.
Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more.
What you do?

Thats mental, I've never spent that much on a night out!!! A limo to dinner!!! Honestly it's your fault for going along with it. How are you ever going to save up for a mortgage/car/unexpected bills/baby etc? You have to start saying, sorry I can't afford it so won't be coming. See if they're willing to have drinks in a bar for a catch up with you. If not, then they do not value your friendship.

(I will offer a contribution as it’s part of the birthday celebrations but just not go)

No - don't be guilted into doing this! The limo is utterly unnecessary.

@walkoflifewoohoo

"Are THEY wealthy off their own back though? I'm betting not! Either rich husbands or spoilt brats."

What? Why wouldn't they be? Rich husbands ffs 😂 @Getafuckinggripman

Think you need to get a grip.

OP why would you contribute to a meal and limo but sit at the hotel while they go? That's so odd and is bound to cause an atmosphere. Just go like you've agreed to but explain to them that you can't afford to do that type of thing anymore.

If they think that it is reasonable to tell someone to take on credit card debt for a £1k weekend away and a meal with a limo, they must be thick as mince. So I agree with the PP - it's highly unlikely that they are intelligent enough to be very high earners.

Tbh, given what they said about the credit card, it seems more likely to me that a lot of their excessive consumption is funded by debt. Debt is cheap right now, and a lot of people are in debt up to their eyeballs in order to fund the car lease, the new clothes, the tech, the limos etc...

You absolutely shouldn't make an offer towards the celebrations. Get the birthday person a gift if you want to.

Cancel and say I can’t afford it. And advise them what your future budget would be

A limo ?

Just say you can't afford it ....and keep saying it.

@Pixieb34

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive! I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce). We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!! Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids. I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’ I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned. Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more. What you do?

'it can go on the credit card then!!'

But credit cards arent free money, you have to pay it back and then some... if you dont have it you dont have it adding the cost of extra interest makes it worse not better.

Sorry, but your friends sound totally daft! I have a very close friendship group with five women who have lots of disposable cash. When they do cheap stuff, they invite me, when they holiday together in the Alps, they don't.

Your friends are being very disrespectful.

If they're true friends, they'll accept that you can't afford their lifestyle and be happy to see you at normal gatherings that don't cost so much to attend. If they resent it, that's their problem and will show you who they really are.

It might change the friendships somewhat, if they're all frequently meeting up and doing things without you, but that's just how things go, sometimes.

I wouldn't subsidise their expensive night out with the limo. Why should you?! Their suggestion that you put things on a credit card would harden my heart to them, tbh! That's terrible financial advice, and terribly rude of them to give it.

Sorry, not been clear.
The meal and limo will be a different occasion and part of a present, so extra to the weekend away. It’s all OTT.
And yes I should’ve been more upfront and direct but like some have said it’s a difficult situation and is a bit embarrassing to admit. I hoped my friends would’ve considered me and my situation more, or gone without me.

Limo? Very tacky!

@Pixieb34

Sorry, not been clear. The meal and limo will be a different occasion and part of a present, so extra to the weekend away. It’s all OTT. And yes I should’ve been more upfront and direct but like some have said it’s a difficult situation and is a bit embarrassing to admit. I hoped my friends would’ve considered me and my situation more, or gone without me.

.....and is a bit embarrassing to admit.

This is what I was talking about upthread. There should be no embarrassment in saying "I can't afford this". It's the plain and simple truth and no one needs to be ashamed to say the truth.

My sister married 'extremely well' and we had a period of her wanting to buy joint gifts for our parents that I and the rest of the siblings simply could not afford. She also purchased gifts for the rest of us that we could not reciprocate 'in kind'. She wasn't trying to make us feel bad, she just wanted to share her good fortune and make us happy. Luckily, after a 'sit-down chat' with her she saw sense. And yes, the rest of us did say "We simply cannot afford the gifts you've been wanting to give our parents nor can we reciprocate the 'level' of your generous gifts". The upshot was that she 'toned down' her gift giving to us and if she wanted to buy our parents something extravagant the rest of us gave according to our means and she covered the rest with no comment and no resentment.

Likewise I had a friend who was not as fortunate as I have been and who shares a common interest. There have been trips where I've covered more than my share simply because I enjoy it more when she's with me and it's worth it to me to have her along. It can be done quietly and tactfully. I'm not saying your friends have to do likewise, but they're certainly not being very tactful!

I wouldn't go.
it's crap to have to say no, but it's the reasonable thing to do, you can't afford it!

you can probably make up a handful of excuses if they won't take no for an answer otherwise

OP,

Why would you be embarrassed for wanting to prioritise your son's ahead of something as stupid as a limousine?

I certainly wouldn't feel embarrassed to say "Not a chance, count me out".

Do not contribute to a meal you won't attend.

Your priority is your children.
No shame whatsoever in that.

Your friends are very poor though.

I wouldn’t even say I can’t afford it. Tell them you don’t want to spend such a ridiculous amount of money on one weekend away.
I go away with a group of friends for big birthdays. Several of us could afford somewhere more expensive but we have one friend who doesn’t work therefore we cater to her budget. They’re not very good friends if they try to persuade you to get into debt for this. Just say no to the entire event.

Sorry OP but your friends don't sound very kind. Surely good friends understand that everyone has different budgets so should do a range of cheaper nights out so everyone can join in.

I can perhaps understand if they fancy a big night out once in a while but suggesting that you fund it on your credit card is really crass.

The problem is most people do not get it unless they have lived it. You have to say no.

I had one friend even suggest celebrating her bachelorette party each year! Surely one (expensive) one is enough! I just said I was just doing family holidays.

Agree with a PP it’s not just about affording it - it sounds like a silly and frivolous waste of money and I wouldn’t want to bother spending my money like that

I would prefer to have savings than throw money about in some kind of childish display - sounds very teenage to me

Declining on the basis that it’s ridiculous is fine - and more than 100% fine to decline on the basis you can’t pay for it

If they have a problem with that, it’s their problem not yours to carry

That's insane.
I can't justify that much on that. Sorry - count me out of this one
Repeat.

A limo to go to dinner? My kind of extra friends. I'd love that

Just say No ! I know it’s hard for some people to do this but after a few times u will get used to it 🙃 u have to please yourself in this life !! No way wud I go on a £900 birthday break !! X

My cousin and her DH made sensible career choices, and were able to retire at 55 with a really good income. They have several friends, also retired who don’t have such high incomes, so as they all love to go away together each year, they have an agreed amount that everybody saves per month, and they sort a holiday out between themselves for that cost. That’s what proper friends do.

I experience something similar with old friends; posh meals and expensive cocktails though, not holidays and limousines!

@Pixieb34 don’t pay toward the limo and meal when you’re not even going!! That’s utter madness.

Arrange a day out/meal out/whatever with the birthday girl (is there any way to say that without it sounding naff? ) or send her a gift separately.

Oh I’ve just realised the weekend away is to celebrate the birthday. And since you’re going to that you’ve likely already got or will be bringing a gift.

Absolutely no need to chip in for the limo/meal.