AIBU - totally fed up on friends planning expensive stuff I can’t afford!!!

[Pixieb34]

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive!
I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce).
We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!!
Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids.
I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’
I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned.
Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more.
What you do?

I had this on my hen do, my sister and bridesmaid were trying to organise stuff that would be way more expensive than most people joining would want to pay for - think private chef etc. I put my foot down and said it was not what I wanted and basically planned my own hen do that was much more affordable. You just need to say “I can’t afford that so I won’t come” and repeat irrespective of their response. If they’re good friends they’ll either change their plan so you’re not left out, or else offer to sub you.

You would be unreasonable to pay that and then not afford to go on a family holiday. They don't sound like great friends if they can't understand not everyone has that budget

Are your friends very wealthy? I can’t imagine asking people to spend 1200 on a birthday weekend and most of my friends are comfortable or high earners. It sounds that their spending is really quite far from the norm especially if they are so flippant about saying ‘just put it on a credit card’

It's actually easier if you can't afford it. Much more difficult if you can afford it but would never choose to spend 1200 on a weekend away.

Just say you cannot afford to go. Don't beat yourself up about it. They don't sound like friends to me.

Just be honest. Say you can't afford it and won't be going this time round.

Remind them of the number of people in the UK who use food banks. Or of Marcus Rashford's campaign for holiday meals.

YANBU to opt out. Whilst reducing or ending a friendship of over 20 years is painful, do you really want friends like these?

We're not poor but no chance would I be forking out that sort of cash for a weekend. It's just wankery of the highest order, being profligate.

As other people have said, if they aren't hearing what you're saying, then they aren't really your friends. Friends would not gloss over your financial situation - they would go out of their way to try and accommodate everyone in the group.

That's a really outrageous amount to spend for a weekend. I have a group of friends - also for 20+ years - and we try to get together at least once a year. No-one would ever suggest we spend such a huge amount per person - even going abroad should be much less than that. Incomes are varied but the point is to get everyone together and have a good time. If you really are friends, you can do that on most budgets.

As others have said I'd just say you can't afford. I have more disposable income than most people know and friends often turn down invites saying they can't afford and I either ask them to suggest stuff or treat them. Limos to dinner does sound a bit (odd???) like throwing money around but if thats what they want to do, don't judge them. Just suggest an alternative that works for your budget.

@Weirdlynormal

I'm going to sound like an arse here BUT I think sometimes you just need to bow out. If everyone else is at a particular place and you're not, yes the odd cheap night out is great, but if I'm eating out/going away I want it to at least be as nice as my own house.

I've been on holiday with the 'lowest budget in our group' and never again.

I agree with this.

I have quite a large group of friends, some of them like doing a camping/caravan holiday. I tend to skip these. I don't like camping, I don't like being squeezed into a small space and having to share bathrooms.

Some of us pay a bit more for an Airbnb with a hot tub. Others don't come to these.

Then we all do bbqs/pub lunches that everyone goes to.

That's ok isn't it?

But a fucking limo is ridiculous. I wouldn't do that even if we could afford it. Absolute waste of money.

I would just say ‘ trip sounds amazing, such great things planned, however I’m going to have to pull out as the costs are out of my league/ getting a bit high for me, I’m sure you will all have a wonderful time, I look forward to seeing the photos….. and leave it there. Just keep saying, I’ve made a decision not to go this time.

I had to pull out of a girls trip abroad, I didn’t want to spend my cash on a trip away, I wanted to use it for my family commitments. I felt a bit left out but they were away for 2 nights and were home before I knew it, I’d have been more upset spending the money. My lovely mum offered to pay for it but it wasn’t really about the money more that it was more than I was happy to pay for a couple of nights it was going to be about a grand.

I understand how OP feels. Friends or not when 4/5 people agree to something like this and you feel like you’re the only one who can’t afford it, it feels embarrassing.

She might not have voiced this out loud because it does feel embarrassing to have to tell of your friends you can’t afford to do what they’re doing.

However, I’ve often found that people agree out of politeness and find a way, or borrow money. I’ve found almost every time when my friends have planned something unusually expensive that if one of us speak out.. then another admits they can’t really afford it either.. then another and so on. Which then leads to finding a cheaper, equally lovely alternative.

Have you a friend in the group who may be in a similar situation to you op, who you might be able to confine in first of all? For me I have one friend who’s life is similar to mine, we both have a child, a mortgage ect to pay for, while a couple of our friends are still living with parents without children so they do have a lot more disposable income than we do. We often find ourselves taking a step back together to try and find the gall to tel the rest of our friends that we cant afford their plans and we’re happy to come to an affordable alternative or if they’re set on what they want to do we’ll arrange something together another time.

Usually, good friends will at least think of an alternative.

Who needs foes when you have friends like this?
Just say no. TBH, true friends would be sensitive to your financial situation. These aren't your friends, just a left-over from the times past. You need to be very honest with them and if they are still deaf to your situation, cut your losses, you're going to save yourself lots of problems and pain.

I have been on both ends of this...if one of us couldn't affiord something we really wanted to do then we'd do it without them but make blooming sure that the next few things were affordable...the other end of this was that "sorry can't afford it" was met with understanding and not pressure.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

if I'm eating out/going away I want it to at least be as nice as my own house

And you'd prioritise that over being with the people who you most enjoy spending time with?

I'd most probably offer to host and cook, and I have.

We've sometimes accommodated friends budgets, other times not. I'm going to an extremely nice night out with a small part of a wider group of friends. I'm not going to 'not go', just because some people think a meal for £163 per head is mental. People have different means.

Op you need to organise some stuff and invite them, stuff you can afford and if they organise stufff you can’t afford you jist say no thanks I can’t afford it. That’s how it works. You can’t keep doing shit you can’t afford and it’s not really fair for them to not do stuff simoly due to your finances.

Maybe you could send a group email to all the friends, just for the sake of clarity and to show that you mean what you say.

State that regretfully, your financial commitments really will not stretch to the cost of attending the birthday week end, and therefore you cannot attend. Repeat that your family’s holiday is your priority at this time. Finish with hope they all have a good week end etc.

Never get into debt because of someone else’s lavish tastes.

Limo is so tacky. Don’t go to places you cannot afford and every now and then suggest cheaper alternatives like in the good old days.

they sound delightful 🌸

You know how you feel, and what your limits are, so just saying no to all this money spending, will make you feel much better,and stop all the worrying about things.

I have never had a credit card, I would not like to live like that.

@Sparklfairy

don't go - its sounds like they have VERY high disposable incomes & you don't.

considering how blase they are about 'just stick it on the credit card' they may not be. And I'd find that really rude tbh - "oh get into debt for me, no big deal"

Either way, it's not fair to basically decide for you how you spend your money if you want to spend time with them. Considerate people take this sort of thing into account when organising stuff like birthday celebrations that other people will be paying for. Can you get out of certain parts of the trip (i.e. make your own way to dinner and don't contribute to the limo, stay in a travelodge rather than split expensive hotel etc). maybe when they have to stump up more for their share, they'll reconsider. I've known people who choose to do expensive stuff and shrug because "it's not that much cos it'll be split 5 ways", without actually checking with the other 4 as to whether they'd actually want to do whatever it is.

I was going to say the same. The speed of which they suggested a credit card, makes me think they are probably not as well off as they make out. Potentially living off credit themselves.

Being expected to fork out nearly £1k on a weekend trip is absolutely ridiculous. Who decided on/arranged this particular trip and added costs? The wealthier friend I’d imagine?
My close friends and I are all in different financial circumstances, some of them really struggle ie living in large overdrafts . I am the wealthiest and I’m very mindful of it too. I’d never arrange an unaffordable event and often buy the drinks etc when we are out. Perhaps because I come from a working class family I’m more aware of the struggle. People who are born into wealth are often blissfully unaware of financial issues.

Limo? Unless this is a hen do or similar, these are clearly people with, at the very least, a streak that is utterly ridiculous.

OP needs to be selective about the time she spends with them & consider widening her circles a little.