AIBU - totally fed up on friends planning expensive stuff I can’t afford!!!

[Pixieb34]

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive!
I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce).
We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!!
Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids.
I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’
I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned.
Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more.
What you do?

Just tell them you'll be there for the bits you can afford, but will pass on the rest.

If they want to go then they can go. If they're worthwhile friends they'll make sure to make plans that you can attend without breaking the bank balance. If you've set a bit of a precedent giving in before then they might think you're uncertain rather than genuinely incapable of doing it, so you'll have to speak through your actions.

@roadtosomewhere

I would never suggest anything I knew a friend could not afford. ......are they really friends?

^this. I have friends who are better off than me by some way and I am always honest with them if I can’t do something and they would never put any kind of pressure on me or put me in an awkward position. Nor do I feel I need to conceal the lack of parity in our incomes.

I also have some other friends who I suspect are really struggling and I would never want them to feel awkward so we tend to do low or no cost things together or if I suggest something I am careful not to push or put them in a difficult position.

It sounds a bit flash/competitive and a bit thoughtless of them. Have they all just won the lottery or something as it sounds all a bit odd. The limo sounds grim (just my opinion). Do you have other circles of friends you can tap into?

I'd bow out of this one even if I could afford it because I'd find the whole limo to dinner naff AF and would be embarrassed to be seen doing that. You need to get a spine here, just bow out. 'I can't do this one, have a great time.' Rinse and repeat.

I don't do anything that requires sharing rooms and bathrooms anymore - mostly because I have to have a lot of white noise to sleep and I snore if I've had a drink (which is why I rarely drink) and need my own space, so the cheap and cheerful I'd bow out of, too, unless it was like, a Premier Inn or Ibis or the like. I won't even do a shared caravan because the walls are so thin I can't run my fan without possibly disturbing the others and no to shared bathrooms.

Just say "I'm opting out of this one. Have a fantastic time!" and leave it at that. YABVU if you let yourself be railroaded into doing things you can't afford and tbh the list of prices you give are completely unreasonable!

The comment about the credit card is toxic.

The limo for dinner is weird.

You've told them you can't afford these trips. You've made that clear to them. If I was you, I would just stop doing them. Don't strain your finances in order to go. If you want to maintain the friendships, arrange some free/low cost get togethers like a BBQ, drinks at yours or the pub/bar, a coffee etc.

They're not your friends. Friends don't book £1000 events for people that can't afford to go on them. My guess is that it's deliberate, and they're trying to push you out, sorry.

A couple of the group are well off (some money inherited) and I think they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be in my situation, as one of them didn’t have much disposable income at one point.
It does make me feel resentful and that I don’t really matter in the group dynamic tbh.
I do have other friends with very different dynamics who would never dream of doing all this!
I think I am going to opt out of the limo and meal (I will offer a contribution as it’s part of the birthday celebrations but just not go). The weekend is already committed to so I’ll have to suck it up.
But you’re all right, I need to say I can’t afford it and that’s it!

I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears

They sound oblivious. I'd find that ghastly, but only you know their better points, & what their friendship is worth to you (in emotional terms, not financial!)

How committed are you to staying friends?
If you want to still keep seeing them on the events you can afford, you might find it useful to have a "broken record" approach to them so rudely dismissing your explanation of having short funds.

So you have a stock phrase you keep on repeat. Saves you from wondering what to say, or falling down the rabbithole of JADE.
(don't Justify, Argue, Defend,Explain).

Something like "no, I won;t be able to go on that trip, but I look forward to the next one".

& if they continue to demand reasons "no, it's not affordable now, but I look forward to the next one".

Any further pressing (& only a very dense or thick skinned person would do so) - you just revert to either of those 2 phrases.
Do not deviate from them.
Your friends will catch on eventually, when you stick to your guns.

As my Gran used to say "It's no sin to be poor, but it's mighty unhandy". I'm not saying you're exactly 'poor', but you get my drift. Unfortunately our society has gotten to the point where it seems to be 'shameful' to admit to not having money to burn. And it's not shameful at all, it's real life. Most of us have been there at one time or another.

There's really nothing wrong with looking them in their faces and saying without any type of apologetic preface; "Look, I don't have the disposable income that you all have and I will not go into credit card debt to fund unnecessary things that I just cannot afford. I'm not asking you to curb your lifestyles, I'm just saying that I will bow out of the plans that are beyond my reach". Then start saying "No I won't be coming. I said before, I'm not going into debt, and these plans are beyond my reach" when they make their (silly and extravagant) plans.

Putting your foot down and sticking to it is only way to handle this. And if they don't start considering your 'budget' in at least some of the plans, well then, they aren't very good friends, are they?

Are THEY wealthy off their own back though? I'm betting not! Either rich husbands or spoilt brats.

Oh come on - do NOT contribute cash you don’t have to a meal you’re not going to.
That’s NUTS.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

They're not your friends. Friends don't book £1000 events for people that can't afford to go on them. My guess is that it's deliberate, and they're trying to push you out, sorry.

They can't know she can't afford it if she isn't clear about it. My understanding of the thread is that the OP has been sending mixed messages saying she can't afford things but then going along anyway . How are they to know she genuinely can't afford these things if she keeps doing them?

The OP should be very clear with her mates that she likes them and values their friendship but certain things are just not doable for her. So 'I'd love to join you but it's out of my league financially. Come round to mine the following week and tell me all about it'. There is no shame in not being able to afford every activity on offer. Nor is there any shame in enjoying an extravagant night out of you can afford it. And don't knock people hiring limos. My dad was a part time limo driver when we were growing up and the extra income from that paid for little treats we wouldn't have had without it.

I've been the rich one in a friendship group and I've also been the skint one asking people over for pizza and plonk or a picnic in the park. IME friends haven't liked me more or less depending on my disposable income.

This feels like a parallel universe though - ski resorts? Where the hell do you live, cos no-one I know is jetting to Verbier for weekends at the moment. Not least cos it’s July 🤣

If they try and dictate to you that you drive up your debt levels to participate, send them the bill.

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies

If they try and dictate to you that you drive up your debt levels to participate, send them the bill.

What? 😂😂😂 they aren’t tying to dictate to her and she can’t send them the bill, what a mad thing to write.

Maybe I'm being too polite, I've said No.

Love this, @PurpleyBlue.
Thank you :)

"Are THEY wealthy off their own back though? I'm betting not! Either rich husbands or spoilt brats."

What? Why wouldn't they be? Rich husbands ffs 😂 @Getafuckinggripman

Think you need to get a grip.

OP why would you contribute to a meal and limo but sit at the hotel while they go? That's so odd and is bound to cause an atmosphere. Just go like you've agreed to but explain to them that you can't afford to do that type of thing anymore.

If they want you to be included, then they'd need to include you in the decision making, and that also means taking your situation into account.
That sounds really expensive and they're being very dismissive by saying to you to just put it on your credit card. You still need to pay the credit card bill off! It isn't like it's free money.

I’m reeling over £900 for a weekend away. I earn well above average wage (though I’m no millionaire!) and I’d never spend that on a weekend break with friends 🙈

Wait so you're going to go for the weekend but not go to the birthday meal? That's really awkward. Can't you bow out of the whole thing?

Oh my god what a nightmare! I've been there but never to this extent. I just drop hints whilst I'm out places with them about not being able to go here because of money or struggling etc to get the message across subtly.

Is there someone in the group that you're particularly close to? Maybe just speak to one person first and really air your feelings to one person you trust and go from there!

OP, do you mean you will go for the weekend, but won't be going to the limo+meal but will be contributing monetarily towards the latter still?!

I would just skip the whole thing. Part attendance might be awkward, and instead of contributing to an "experience gift" that you're not there for, spend that money (if you can!) on a gift for the birthday girl.

OP you just need to politely say no, wish them well, hope they enjoy themselves and you will catch up with them another time, be clear and consistent, don't send mixed messages. Something like this from ConfusedandShaken would work:

The OP should be very clear with her mates that she likes them and values their friendship but certain things are just not doable for her. So 'I'd love to join you but it's out of my league financially. Come round to mine the following week and tell me all about it'. There is no shame in not being able to afford every activity on offer.

@Getafuckinggripman

Are THEY wealthy off their own back though? I'm betting not! Either rich husbands or spoilt brats.

I'm taking this comment personally.

When DH and I married we both had good careers and were good earners. We then agreed that I would stop work to be a mainly SAHM to our DC. I have done some PT work but nothing significant because it always fitted around school runs and term times. His career and salary has absolutely taken off whilst, inevitably, mine stalled. We went from my earning slightly more than him when we were in our twenties to him paying more tax in a good month than I earned in a year.

By most standards we are now wealthy. DH has earned nearly all of what we have, but it's still 'our' money. My name wasn't on the pay cheques but he couldn't have done it without my contribution at home. We are a team. He has always stressed that he appreciates and values what I've done just as I appreciate what he does.

@Confusedandshaken totally agree. Can’t believe some married couples have a “your money my money” mentality.