AIBU - totally fed up on friends planning expensive stuff I can’t afford!!!

[Pixieb34]

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive!
I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce).
We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!!
Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids.
I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’
I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned.
Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more.
What you do?

Don't be embarrassed dear, you have kids and a life to deal with. How very selfish of them to make you feel bad about not having cash to burn. I have lots of friends, all better off than me. None make me feel that way. I get invited to stuff I can afford, not the stuff I cant because that would be rubbing salt in the wound.

They are not listening to you so they're not real friends op.
LiMo to a dinner sounds hideous anyway.

Just say you can't afford it and neither can you afford to incur credit card debts. Wish them a pleasant time and leave it at that. They sound rather shallow and selfish.

You’ll just have to bow out this time. ‘Sounds wonderful girls but I simply cannot afford it at the moment. Hopefully next time! Enjoy yourselves ‘

They are a bit insensitive but I think perhaps you’ve inadvertently made a rod for your own back - because you protest a little but still suck it’s p and join in. You need to tell them straight: sorry, it sounds lovely but there’s no way I can afford that. Have a lovely time. On repeat.

I could understand them not realising you can’t afford it but can’t believe they suggest putting it on the credit card!

£300 for limo? Are limos not a bit tacky. Why not get a taxi.

£800-900 is far too much. I'd pull out.

My thoughts exactly. It might be the first weekend away since the pandemic started but it’s a bit OTT

I wouldn’t pay for a limo because it’s unnecessary, gauche and odd. My friends and I all have different incomes. Those of us with more money do separate things sometimes but mostly we go camping and other places that everyone can afford.

Had friends like that who expected me to fork out for a trip to go to one of their ‘friends’ villas for 2 weeks. They couldn’t get their head round how i would not be able to go, couldn’t afford it full stop. Everything had to be the most expensive thing they could get to out do each other. I was moving house, had no childcare as OH on call NHS worker on proposed dates and work with with only part time childcare. I gradually excused myself from that group and now know they all had a massive fall out anyway. They have to be more understanding of your situation

I had similar with friends. Kids days out to legoland etc which is ok for them with 1 child apiece as they could use BOGOF vouchers, but I have 4 kids and couldn't keep affording it. Sadly instead of arranging cheaper days out, they just stopped inviting us anywhere so be prepared for that eventuality. That said, you're going to have to say no to stuff, tell them you won't sacrifice family time to do these things

£1K on a weekend away? Just no! I could afford it, but I wouldn’t ever do it, I’d be equating that to 4 months of having my horse, or thinking I’d put it towards a major purchase. I think I’d thoroughly resent being expected to spend that on 2 days. I don’t think they’re good friends, OP, sorry.

Honestly, they’re not friends if they’re not respectful and mindful of your position. I have a mixed income / financial position group of friends and we are careful to be inclusive about what we do so that everyone can join in. Occasionally a couple of us do something more elaborate, but quietly so no one feels left out. Suggesting that you put it on a cc is bonkers.

DO NOT put it on a credit card. Just say no. Unfortunately they are in a different financial situation than you are and you shouldn’t really expect them to scale their lifestyle down for you. They should also appreciate your financial situation and maybe do an outing so you can afford it. I’m very aware of all my friends situations and try to accommodate but I like nice things and don’t see why I shouldn’t to do it because they can’t afford it ( I usually offer to help them come). Maybe start to try and meet some new friends.

I also think that they shouldn’t include you in the price of the limousine knowing your situation. You’d think they could just pay it themselves. They do seem quite pretentious. If they have so much disposable income then why would they need you to chip in for that.

Can you assert your and say you simply can't afford to go. Although if they're good friends of yours, surely they'll get it or at least acknowledge your position.

I know I would make them aware, but also organise exclusively.

There doesn’t need to be a ‘situation’ or for you to be in a ‘position’ for this to be ridiculous. I disagree with someone upthread who said it was easier to say you can’t afford it than to say you won’t. I think feeling poor makes people feel ashamed (they shouldn’t), whereas if you can comfortably afford something but think it’s excessive you tend to have the confidence to say no.

Op, I have friends who like staying in hotels on nights out. It’s their thing, but I don’t want to spend my money that way so usually go home after drinks and food. No big deal. You must say no if you can’t afford it and you should also say no if you can but just don’t want to.

I'd opt out of that and also with their friendship. Totally mad to get a limo to dinner. If I was a millionaire I wouldn't do that - it's tacky and tasteless.

They're not your friends OP if they want you to get into debt fir any reason, nevermind something so frivolous!

I wouldn't appreciate my friends telling me to put it on the credit card, what arse holes they are. I'd tell them that you are booking a holiday and you won't be attending.

If you give in to.this you might find it really stays with you as an issue. Better get it all out in the open once and for all, say you'd love to join in the cheaper things but not the more expensive things for the time being. And stick to it. They are not real friends if they won't accept this. I think you are right not to get in debt.

Ongoing campaign... Please stop using the term "deaf" to mean inconsiderate, stupid or not listening. We no longer use words like cretin, spastic or retard which were medical terms for disability to describe stupid people so we shouldn't be using the word "deaf" in this way. We deaf people do not like it.