AIBU - totally fed up on friends planning expensive stuff I can’t afford!!!

[Pixieb34]

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive!
I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce).
We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!!
Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids.
I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’
I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned.
Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more.
What you do?

Thanks that sounds lovely but it's out of my budget.

That's all you need to say

This scenario was a whole Friends episode from memory. Though I can’t remember the ending!!’

They had a bust up over it, then Monica lost her job and they all rallied round. The discrepancy in income wasn't actually addressed.

I think it's fine for the wealthier friends to do extravagent stuff sometimes but they should also do cheaper stuff to include the OP. Everybody has to compromise a bit.

OP I have really similar friends who seem to be able to afford to go to everything! I always feel like the one saying I can’t afford to. The rest of them just magic the money up. I have no idea how!

One friend from that group was telling me about a place she’d been to recently - she said I would love it because it was cheap lol.

I think you’ll just have to pick and chose what you do. I tend to do the stuff I actually want to do and that are within my budget. The rest of the time I just say sorry I can’t afford it.

Do not let them try and convince you as you’ll just resent going/them.

I don't think you should expect them to change their plans because you can't go and don't agree with the comments about them being bad friends. Although would be nice if they were a bit thoughtful about it and the comment about the credit card was not good.
Do you ever initiate your own events, picnics, dinner in, a walk etc. Don't expect them to plan events to your budget but they may well be very happy to come to lower budget events when asked.

Honestly I’d say “I’d absolutely love to celebrate your birthday / engagement / whatever but I’m afraid those plans are a little out of my budget, have an amazing time and let’s arrange a night out after, I’ll treat us to a bottle of something”

It’s a bit of a tricky one - they shouldn’t be shamed for wanting limos and expensive dinners but also you shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to use all your available cash for it either.

A middle ground is needed, perhaps bc you have always found the money to attend they haven’t taken your comments about budget seriously.
If you turn down one or two invites bc of money they might realise you really do have a genuine issue.

Hope it gets sorted for you OP, friendships are important as we get older and it’d be rubbish to lose this dynamic bc of money!

They are shit friends. In my friendship group we pitch everything we do at the price point that the person earning the least can afford. This is all unsaid but we check out everyone os on board with the plans and the amounts being spent. There is no way they need expensive restaurants and limousines to celebrate. Be honest with them and tell them you cannot go as you cannot afford it and will not be getting into debt to keep up with them.

Don't be a doormat. Pull up your big girl pants and be honest with your friends.

Opt out of the whole thing. No messing about. Text your friends and say you've realised it's completely out of your league financially so you won't be joining them. Wish them well and set a date to meet up soon after so you can see all the photos.

@FlowerArranger

THIS:

Just say “sorry I can’t afford that at the moment, have a nice time” repeat repeat repeat.

AND THIS:

I would never suggest anything I knew a friend could not afford. ......are they really friends?

Quite. They don't sound like your friends, OP. If one of our friendship group was in a different financial position we would scale it back to a cheaper alternative or a wine and pizza night at someone's house.

It's about getting together not the pomp of a fucking limo.

I have explained my situation, especially when they started discussing this upcoming birthday weekend when they initially mentioned going to a ski resort!! I offered to step back so I wouldn’t stop them going but they didn’t want me to not be involved so I honestly thought the friend who arranged it would go for something a bit more mid range.
I have suggested about starting seeing each other at home more like we used to and we do this - this will be when I see them in the future as their trips are just out of my league.
I would never suggest we only do cheaper things just for me and have said they can go ahead without any bad feeling from me if I opt out.
I’m not fussed about the limo, it’s just another unnecessary extravagance which a couple of the group seem to love!

Can you recoup some of the cost of the trip if you pull out now? I wouldn't go either way as it's going to cost so much more when you're there. You need to be more firm and learn to say No. No friend of mine would suggest putting an unecessary birthday trip on a credit card. And no friend of mine is so up their own arse that they think spending £1200 on their birthday trip is in anyways acceptable. You need to find better friends.

Good grief. I'd politely decline and find some cheaper friends!

I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do,

There's your problem - they think you can afford it really and that you can somehow "find a way" as you always have in the past.
Tell them, no you can't afford it but you'd love to come another time and we should arrange something a bit more affordable.
If they start going on about wanging it on a credit card, just say no, that doesn't work as you're not getting into debt for dinner, and re-iterate you'll come another time and to arrange something cheaper.
Oh, and a limo to dinner?
WTF lol

Just opt out of the things you can’t afford. Good friends don’t encourage you to get into debt with a careful card.

Why are so many women so helpless?

I'm going to sound like an arse here BUT I think sometimes you just need to bow out. If everyone else is at a particular place and you're not, yes the odd cheap night out is great, but if I'm eating out/going away I want it to at least be as nice as my own house.

I've been on holiday with the 'lowest budget in our group' and never again.

Over a grand for a weekend away!!! That is obscene!! Absolutely say no....its ridiculous. Couple of nights in a travelodge/Premier Inn with a really good meal out somewhere and drinks plus travel would give everyone just as much fun.

I wouldn't pay that much for a full weeks holiday with family!

Ridiculous. Don’t see the issue. Just say you can’t afford it and don’t go! Wish them a nice time. That’s the end of it.

And I’d be livid if my partner got into debt for a stupid limo and weekend away. Surely your family comes first?

@Vetyveriohohoh

Limousine? That’s totally excessive unless it’s your wedding or you’re 12

Agreed.

Also, anyone who prioritises something like a limousine trip over their friends being able to afford a night out needs ditching. That's not friendship.

if I'm eating out/going away I want it to at least be as nice as my own house

And you'd prioritise that over being with the people who you most enjoy spending time with?

“Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids. “

Do drop out of the whole thing. Off course you can’t afford to spend this on a 20 year old friendship group at the expense of foi g something nice with your own family.

I wouldn’t be part of whole group activities after such a long interval of time unless it were easy to afford it.

Make up an excuse if you cannot say out right. Do not feel guilty or bad in any way about not going. You can be friendly and keep in touch in a more general way.

YANBU at all. Fine if they want to do fancy stuff sometimes, that's fun. But also do more reasonable things. It doesn't even sound like you're that broke, just that they are spending objectively large amounts of money. Perfectly reasonable to say it's too expensive for you. And as for the credit card - no! I get frustrated when people can't see these things aren't about cash flow, they are about wanting to spend sustainably.

Don't explain anything.
Just say "I can't afford it so I won't be able to come. But you all go and have a great time"
And keep repeating it. I can't stand people who think they can browbeat others into doing things when they have clearly said no.

So they say "Just pop it on the credit card"
"No, I can't afford it so I won't be able to come"
Whatever they say, just keep repeating the same thing.
You do not need to add explanations either such as "I can't afford it because we are saving for X". When you justify your statement they can then come back with counter arguments.
You can't afford it so you won't be going. That is all.

Super tacky getting a limo, I’d decline for that reason alone! I also can’t believe they suggested you get yourself into debt just to afford their ridiculous trips out. You just need to get better at saying no really, you can’t afford it and they will have to accept that.

@Vetyveriohohoh

Limousine? That’s totally excessive unless it’s your wedding or you’re 12

This. It’s beyond ridiculous. I’d opt out and be completely upfront about why.

I wouldn’t go. And I wouldn’t want to be friends with people who not only didn’t understand when I say that I can’t afford it but who want to hire a limo….as for spending £800 on a weekend away - absolutely no way!

Just let them know you can't attend. The cost is too high.

Completely fair enough.

Then could you suggest meeting at another time, put forward an idea of something to do that you can afford.
It's not always easy as an organiser of a group to predict what budget is suitable. And group arrangements do often seem to fall to the same 1 or 2 people to think up and organise. Put something suitable forward.