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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - totally fed up on friends planning expensive stuff I can’t afford!!!

196 replies

Pixieb34 · 28/06/2021 12:45

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive!
I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce).
We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!!
Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids.
I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’
I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned.
Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more.
What you do?

OP posts:
Sleepyquest · 28/06/2021 13:09

Sounds like you don't really want to go either. Jack it in this time. A limo is a complete waste of money.

GoWentGone · 28/06/2021 13:11

I think this is one of the challenges of a friendship group of mixed ages, because you're more likely to be at different life stages as regards dependent children, mortgages, inheritances etc.

I remember a London friend who was much older than I was talking about how his friendships had changed when other London friends' parents started to leave their children very ordinary houses which were now worth well over a million, which suddenly precipitated the friends into a different stratosphere as regards wealth.

We only bought a flat in our mid-30s, because we'd studied and lived on air for a long time, and also had DS when I was almost 40, so we're in a different financial position to people who had their children/bought property fifteen years earlier...

All you can do is be entirely upfront about what you can and can't afford, and suggest cheaper things you would like and be able to do.

jay55 · 28/06/2021 13:11

It sounds stupid. Like spending money for the sake of it. I'd be annoyed the whole time thinking how I could have spent the money better(or on a handbag).

NeonDreams · 28/06/2021 13:16

DON'T go into debt because they have more money than brains. Just say you can't go this time. Reiterate it and say you simply don't have the money or CC limit if they press you and if you did you'd only go into debt for something you really need. Do not be guilted into going because believe me you will really, really regret it and it will take you a long time to catch up to that amount. Just say no you can't go, and don't go. You, your DC, and having a house over your head is more important than keeping up appearances with a group that lets face it you will never be able to keep up with.

thefirstmrsrochester · 28/06/2021 13:16

A birthday weekend trip coming in at £1200 minimum and your friends solution is that you fire it on a credit card Shock. I’d opt out of the entire thing OP.

Geamhradh · 28/06/2021 13:17

Limousine? Are you all 15 and watch too many Big Fat Gypsy Weddings?

dogfishman · 28/06/2021 13:20

That sounds absurdly expensive and not even that great, unless limos are your thing. Just say you don't want to spend that kind of money on a weekend away as you're budgeting for other things like your holiday. Don't be at all apologetic - you're quite entitled to turn down that kind of extravagance. If they're good friends they'll respect you for that, understand your position and plan something affordable next time. If they don't, as others have said that tells you quite a lot.

Clymene · 28/06/2021 13:22

A grand on a weekend away? No thanks

EveryoneIsThere · 28/06/2021 13:22

There should be a happy middle ground. Don’t go to anything you can’t afford or don’t want to go to but make sure you suggest some things to do that you can afford. I’d be really upfront about it and wouldn’t see it as a big problem unless they didn’t ever want to do budget options.

Ostara212 · 28/06/2021 13:23

I just tell people I can't afford it

I did have a couple of people say "I think you can" and I said "I choose not to spend xxx on whatever".

It's money. Don't chuck it away. Give it to me if you want rid of it.

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 13:23

sorry I can’t afford that at the moment, have a nice time I wouldn't bother with the sorry they'll only try and persuade you to go.

Someone on another thread suggested using "Maybe I'm being too polite" if people persist so

Maybe I'm being too polite, I've said No.

MoonlightApple · 28/06/2021 13:24

Just politely explain you can’t afford it. Maybe if you’ve said yes in the past they think you don’t really mean it or maybe they feel bad about leaving you out. Either way, if they’re your friends they’ll totally get it once you’ve explained it to them.

Viviennemary · 28/06/2021 13:26

Even if I could afford it I wouldnt spend those ridiculous amounts of money on nights out with friends. Just say count me out. There are probably others who feel the same. Suggest a cheaper meet up and see what they say.

grapewine · 28/06/2021 13:27

You can't afford it. Just tell them on repeat. Join them at the things you can afford.

TheRebelle · 28/06/2021 13:27

Just be firm that you can’t afford it, there is absolutely no shame in not wanting to spend £900 on a trip with friends or £300 on a bloody limo ride (what is this, their prom??)

I have a group of friends who earn more than me, not much more but enough that they can afford four girly weekends away a year whereas I can afford one. I just say Sorry, I can’t go to that one but let me know the next time you want to go and then we meet up for coffee or lunch in between.

dreamingbohemian · 28/06/2021 13:29

I would definitely cancel the weekend, you don't have to say why, but you will not really enjoy it knowing how much it costs and that you can't really afford it.

Going forward don't be afraid to just decline things saying you can't afford it. Organise some get togethers yourself that are more affordable.

It's not realistic to expect them to downscale all your meetups to something you can afford -- I agree with the PP about not wanting to do cheap and cheerful if you don't have to. But it should be possible to do a mix of things? If they aren't willing then sadly you may have to rethink the friendships.

southlondoner02 · 28/06/2021 13:29

Could you approach a couple of people you're particularly close to in the group and have a chat about it? Maybe a couple of you plan something affordable and then invite the wider group?

They should be able to go on more expensive trips if they like, but surely if they are your friends they should also be mindful and do some cheap ones too

Also who hires a limo over about the age of 20?

Shoxfordian · 28/06/2021 13:32

Tell them you can’t go because you can’t afford it

Do you suggest or plan things yourself for the group? Start suggesting stuff you can afford

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/06/2021 13:33

I guess if you are saying you cant afford it but going anyway, they maybe think you are one of those people who always moan about being skint while going on multiple holidays and buying designer gear etc. Rather than thinking you are really stretching yourself and going without to try and keep up with them. If they are genuine friends they would be mortified if they knew this and willing to change some meet ups to accommodate you.

I wouldnt go on this one unless you've already financially committed or pulling out now will have a disproportionate affect on everyone elses costs.

Not many people would be ok paying for a limo on a random night out anyway.

Then I'd put a message in the group chat along the lines of 'hi all, I love our meet ups but in all seriousness I have genuinely struggled to afford the last few. I don't want to spoil your fun by changing your plans so won't be attending similar events in the future, genuinely just due to finances. I'd still love to see you all though, so it would be great if we could arrange the odd low key event that I could join in...how about a bbq at mine / night in local pub etc etc later this summer?'

altiara · 28/06/2021 13:33

Even if I could afford it, well I suppose I can afford it (from savings), it just wouldn’t occur to me to spend £1200+ on a weekend away. I would do be putting that towards doing up my house or a big family holiday or if I did want to blow that kind of cash on a weekend, it would be a weekend away that was my choice.
And fuck off to the limo.

Just don’t go to any of it. Prioritise you and your family. There’s no reason you can meet for drinks one night to catch up.

And don’t apologise.

lborolass · 28/06/2021 13:35

What would I do?

Not go to things that I can't afford but then I have absolutely no issue with saying when I can't afford something and I don't care what anyone thinks about that. Luckily I don't know anyone selfish and self absorbed enough to expect their friendsto do things that they can't afford.

The solution is in your own hands, don't spend another penny on their activities

Sexnotgender · 28/06/2021 13:35

Limo to dinner 😂 are they 12?

Snorkelface · 28/06/2021 13:36

Say you can't afford it, be upfront about it. You may find you're not the only one who feels that way too.

vaccinesforall · 28/06/2021 13:36

in my experience, if you mention that the chosen activity is a bit pricey and you are on a lowish wage etc, it will prompt indignation from richer friends and an explanation about how they are also financially tight and not financially comfortable but they are willing to spend on this activity etc. Some people have no idea and with a BMW and a Porsche as recent purchases someone I know once had the gall to say that they were short of money and no better off than us as NHS workers Hmm

vaccinesforall · 28/06/2021 13:37

Best option is simply not to be available and not to engage with the costlier stuff.

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