AIBU - totally fed up on friends planning expensive stuff I can’t afford!!!

[Pixieb34]

Been in a mixed age friendship group for 20+ years. We used to get together every couple of months at one of our houses for a meal, had a weekend away together each year (cheap and cheerful mainly!) and a Christmas night out. But over the last few years our get togethers have become more and more elaborate and really expensive!
I’m in a very different financial position to the others, I have 2 dependent sons and a big mortgage (due to starting over after divorce).
We have a weekend trip booked next month for one of their birthdays, it’s going to cost apx £800-900 minimum I reckon. And then they want to do an expensive meal as well, £300 just for a limousine to get there too!!
Makes me feel like a cheap skate but I just cannot afford it all without spending my little bit of savings or forfeiting a holiday with my partner and kids.
I have tried explaining this to them but falls on deaf ears…’oh no, that’s not good’ ‘it can go on the credit card then!!’
I’m responsible for this shitty situation to a degree as I don’t stand up enough for myself and I have in the past agree to stuff I actually will struggle to do, but I hoped they’d acknowledge what’s going on for me and offer to scale stuff down but no, we’ve now got this stuff planned.
Sick of it and on the verge of opting out of the whole thing!!! I might do this stuff and then say no more.
What you do?

Don't go. It's quite simple. Don't dip onto your savings for something so frivolous you are going to regret it and resent your friends as you are doing. Plan a meal or a barbecue in your house and invite them over. Will work out much cheaper

I wouldn't go at all, can you not back out of the birthday week-end away too, without losing too much money, or causing them to lose money? Or do you really want to join them there?

Do not pay towards the Limo. I forbid it!!

Get your big girl knickers on, harness your big dick energy and say…

I’m going to sort my own gift on this occasion. I’m opting out of the meal and limo this time.

Good friends won’t care!

And if they do. Screw them!

Alternatively. If your particularly close to one or two of them can you have a discrete chat about your position, so when you do put a message like that on the main group chat one or two of the other members pipe up in support.

Tell them you can’t go, it’s way over your budget and you have other priorities,

You are certainly not a cheap stake op, I think they are being unreasonable, I know you say they are your friends but they aren’t really considering your financial position are they, I wouldn’t be moving in their circles I’m afraid, limo to go out to dinner is bonkers, and telling you to put it on your credit card shows no consideration to your situation, I’d be pulling away from them, but that’s me, I don’t do anything I’m not comfortable with

All the best op

Don't be surprised if you are just saying what a lot of your more sensible friends are thinking, so call out the extravagance.

A limousine to drive you to dinner is fine for a teenage prom, for example!

OK - wake up and smell the coffee - sometimes we grow out of our friends and need to get new ones - they sound like bif silly spenders while you are thrifty which is a great quality - it's not that you can't keep up with them, it's that your life is going in a different direction, which can be a very good thing - just tell them you won't be coming on the trip because you have other priorities and leave it at that, and judge wether to keep them as friends or not by what they do next

@roadtosomewhere

I would never suggest anything I knew a friend could not afford. ......are they really friends?

This. Real friends don't behave like this.🤔

Just say sorry, you can't afford to go and wish them a lovely time.

There's really no other option - people suggested you only do some of the things, but that to me seems really awkward - because your own family holiday and savings surely must take precedence?

Are they really close friends? Because reading between the lines it sounds a bit like your lives have diverged a lot since your friendship group started. Would you miss them awfully, or do you just stick around out of habit?

Seems to me that they just want to go ahead with their expensive plans and don’t really care that someone in he group can’t afford it. I think they’re saying ‘If you can’t do what we want to do, tough.’
It’s hurtful but maybe it’s time you bailed? Or, as one poster suggested, join them
Only once a year on o e of their expensive jaunts?

I hoped my friends would’ve considered me and my situation more, or gone without me

Can't you tell them they'll have to go without you anyway?

Put on your adult head. This is grown-up stuff.
You can’t afford this.
If you go to this extravagant adventure, your precious family will suffer the negative consequences.

This is grown-up time.

Tell them, if not in person think about emailing them.
It’s not your friends lifestyle to economise, they may genuinely not understand your predicament. Stick to your guns.

Where on earth are you going that costs that much then the cost of dinner on top.... Its absolutely ridiculous no wo der people get into so much debt,!!!

If they were real friends you can have that conversation with them. I have a good income (probably double than my close friends) but I also have a lot more outgoings and different priorities. I don't spend a lot eating out or drinking as I would prefer to spend it on family weekends away, the gym and clothes. Whilst they don't go away much but think nothing of dropping £100 on a meal and drinks. To me that's a family day out or three pairs of clarks shoes for the kids.

However we often do things that work for us all, walk & picnic or meal at someone's house.

Just don't go. Say you can't afford it. There isn't any shame in that, you're not paying for a whip round for a departing member of staff. It's hundreds of pounds. Just say no.

Where the heck are you going that's so expensive, especially in Covid times? We usually do at least one weekend trip abroad each year but flights and a nice apartment costs no more than about £300 each. We do spend a lot on cocktails probably but look for free walking tours and local places to eat so even with all food and drink included its probably £500 max (apart from shopping). And this is not because we are on a tight budget especially, it's because we are sensible people. :)

I've been in this situation before (with school Mum friends though, not people I'd known for so long) One woman in particular was constantly organising things - weekends away, meals out, trips to the theatre, races, festivals, etc. I'm a single Mum whereas she has a high earning husband. She used to get really hostile when I said I couldn't afford to go to things and in the end we had a row and fell out.

You've known your friends much longer so I would hope they would be more understanding of your situation.

I'd be a hypocrite if i said dont go or tell them you cant afford it. Im in a similar situation, i dont earn as much as my friends. We all just bought houses and have had babies in the past year so mortgage and new baby expenses falls on deaf ears. There's 5 weddings this year, all 2-3 day sessions down the country and hens partys in spain portugal etc. I tried to suggest 1 hen do for all 5 considering we're all friends but no, each bride wants to be center of attention and plan their own trip. I understand that but like you, I would prefer a holiday in the sun with my partner and son. My son was 12 weeks premature and spent 8 weeks in hospital and still has regular appointments. I think me and my partner need a break together for our relationship and to spend some happy time with the baby rather than 5 hens for me, 5 stags for him and 5 country weddings each costing about €1000 for accommodation, outfits, presents, drinks etc....

It is really hard having friend groups where incomes are totally different, we have one couple we spend a lot of time with and the kids are the same age when we are out together there is never any issue with money or who pays etc, but with other friends we need to be very careful where we go or what we do. I don't think it's fair that you expect them all to do different things because you can't afford it but you need to be honest and just say sorry I can't afford that and join them for what you can afford.

@EmmaLFC your family and your security as a unit matters much, much more than keeping up with your friends. Tell them now that for the next 3 years you will be on a tight budget. It’s not difficult once you have set your boundary and stuck to it. Your baby is your priority, as is your well-being and your relationship with your DH.

why are you sacrificing your own holiday with family to go to a friends birthday weekend its ridiculous

should have never agreed in the first place 900 quid is extortianate

Just don't go.

Next time. YOU make a plan for something you can afford.

Don't go. I hate stuff like this - the limo is tacky as fuck and in fact the whole thing sounds like one big attention-seeking nightmare. I assume it's an incredibly special birthday then?

They sound like idiots tbh OP. Utterly clueless and superficial.

Dump the friends, anyone who wants you get into dept for something like that is not a true friend.