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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

538 replies

Summerplans7 · 28/06/2021 08:18

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/06/2021 08:21

Only you as a family can decide, would the guilt and worry about them mean you weren’t able to relax properly over there?

Is it somewhere you can travel back from easily if needed?

Ariela · 28/06/2021 08:26

Is DH their only child? If not then I'd not hesitate to go.

Elys3 · 28/06/2021 08:29

Is it relatively easy to travel back and forth between the two? I worried about this when I did a sabbatical but I saw as much of my family when I lived in Germany as when in the UK.

DeathStare · 28/06/2021 08:29

You need to make the decision for you and your DC. Your MIL also has choices open to her, whether she chooses to take them is up to her. You can't live her life, you need to live your own life.

BarbarianMum · 28/06/2021 08:35

I think I'd ask myself "is there other family around to support MiL" and "how often would we come back to visit?" Also, "how long would we be going for?" (fixed term/indefinite period).

There is no one correct answer but personally there is no way I could leave my mum to struggle on with my dads dementia alone (my dad has dementia so I'm talking about my situation, not hypothetically).

BarbarianMum · 28/06/2021 08:36

@DeathStare out of interest, what choices do you think the OPs MiL has open to her at the moment?

DeathStare · 28/06/2021 08:42

@BarbarianMum She can choose to move house if she wishes. She can choose to move area if she wishes. I'm not suggesting she dies - there are very good reasons why that might be difficult for her. But it is a choice.

It also might be possible for her and FIL to go to the country that the OP is going to (a friend emigrated to Australia and it was surprisingly easy to take her parents - one of whom had dementia). The OP says MIL wouldn't want that, but it would still be her choice.

Medievalist · 28/06/2021 08:46

Deathstare - I can't imagine an elderly coupl

Medievalist · 28/06/2021 08:47

.. sorry sent too soon!

I can't imagine an elderly couple thinking they have any realistic choices in that situation.

Gazelda · 28/06/2021 08:48

@Ariela

Is DH their only child? If not then I'd not hesitate to go.
My SIL and her family had this attitude.

A year later, my DH faced relocating to another country or redundancy. He had to take redundancy as there was no one in this country to take care of MIL.

So, please don't assume that your decision doesn't impact others.

Sirzy · 28/06/2021 08:48

deathstare I think your underestimating the impact a move can have on those with dementia, especially when as in the case of OP it sounds quite advanced. I doubt them moving, especially overseas, is going to be a viable option

Original poster
Summerplans7 · 28/06/2021 08:49

@Ariela

Is DH their only child? If not then I'd not hesitate to go.
He’s not, but his sister lives far away and doesn’t visit often.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/06/2021 08:53

I just couldn't do that. If your mother and father-in-law have been part of your lives and now she desperately needs help, I think it's cruel and selfish to abandon her now.

transformandriseup · 28/06/2021 08:53

If it's too far away to be unable to travel back from or cost to much to travel frequently then I would say don't go.

Purplewithred · 28/06/2021 08:54

Horrible dilemma, especially as they are going to need more and more practical support over the coming years. We’re beginning to find it hard with the PIL 90 mins away. I think you’d need to schedule several visits home a year and have an emergency visit plan too.

HeronLanyon · 28/06/2021 08:54

Lots of good qs above which might affect the decision. Feels the ‘wrong’ or very difficult thing to do right now. But having recently lost both parents - one overseas, one I saw at least weekly, I am in a bit of a particular emotional space right now. With remote parent I thank god Covid came just after years of travelling to and fro to see them. There was also family closer by there and a supportive neighbourhood/friends network which was a life saver sometimes in a quiet unobtrusive way.
Good luck with whatever your decision is.

LCDIT · 28/06/2021 08:57

I personally couldn't do this.

toconclude · 28/06/2021 08:58

@HollowTalk

I just couldn't do that. If your mother and father-in-law have been part of your lives and now she desperately needs help, I think it's cruel and selfish to abandon her now.
They're not 'abandoning' her, don't be so melodramatic. She has friends and a community. Not everything has to be about family. One could argue it's her being the selfish one, holding her son back. I wouldn't stop mine.
LaurieFairyCake · 28/06/2021 08:59

Will you come back after 3-5 years once you've had your adventure?

I'd go if I could keep my property here (or closer to MIL's)

R0SEMARY · 28/06/2021 09:01

How much time does your husband spent now caring for / visiting his parents ? Eg is it an hour a day or an hour a month

Garraty47 · 28/06/2021 09:02

Is it New Zealand?

If so definitely go!

Malin52 · 28/06/2021 09:02

I did it. I'm an only child too but no kids. When we lived 250 miles away from my parent I saw them for maybe 3 rushed weekends a year.
Now I live 12000 miles away and they come for 2-3 months. Unfortunately not at the moment but we are waiting! Those 3 months are lovely. It helps that we have a seperate studio that they stay in but we stilll see them everyday usually for dinner or a drink together. Much more like a range of low key family events where we get to chat properly. They love it and I do too.

Of course there is the issue of when they get older and a 24 hour flight is too much...

CrunchyKnot · 28/06/2021 09:04

Have you spoken to them. If I was your mother in law I would be mortified if I felt you were curtailing your families quality of life for my benefit.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 28/06/2021 09:05

What a dilemma but l wouldn't be able to do that if it was my mum....l felt bad moving to the other end of town when my dad was very ill.
And now l couldn't move her grandchild away which is one of her pleasures in life.
Only you can decide OP.

Bonheurdupasse · 28/06/2021 09:06

Do it OP.
You have to live your life. Rather than sacrificing your life for someone else.

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