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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

538 replies

Summerplans7 · 28/06/2021 08:18

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

OP posts:
Malin52 · 28/06/2021 09:06

@CrunchyKnot

Have you spoken to them. If I was your mother in law I would be mortified if I felt you were curtailing your families quality of life for my benefit.
THIS. Both us and several friends have made a long distance move. One weren't going to do it for a lonely MIL. She was mortified they'd curtail their life quality for her. Again as per my experience she visits for long periods and has the time of her life.
BarbarianMum · 28/06/2021 09:06

@toconclude sorry but that's a shitty thing to say. How is she "holding him back"? From what the OP has posted she's not even aware of the possibility. Should she have just pulled herself together and not found the isolation of the past year hard? Ditched her husband when he first got his diagnosis? Brought her son up to not give a hoot about her?

You say you wouldnt stop yours but if you've brought them up to be halfway decent human brings then they would find it a difficult decision to make. Of course, if you are thoroughly unpleasant then it wouldnt be a question but just maybe the OPs MiL isnt a total bitch?

CrunchyKnot · 28/06/2021 09:06

I would ensure they have good care available to them (are they financially ok) and I would be heavily involved in this, potentially paying for some or all. I know a couple that have a carer in everyday for 1 hour to serve them lunch and have a chat, paid for by children that have moved abroad.

CrunchyKnot · 28/06/2021 09:08

This couple are not in need of care at all but see it as a bit of a luxury to have someone prepare and serve lunch

lazylump72 · 28/06/2021 09:10

looking at it from a different view as a parent I want the best for my family, My life is mine and settled and I am happy with it but I want my kids to have the freedom to do as they wish with no regard to us, I would never hold mine back infact my son is 30 and has worked overseas and come back again but its entirely possible he could go and settle there anytime,If he was happy I would miss him of course but I would be happy for him living his life and fulfilling his dreams. Bet the sister who doesnt visit doesnt feel a shred of guilt so neither should you, Go OP do whats right for you and your family.

l2b2 · 28/06/2021 09:10

I couldn't do that. You asked in your OP whether it was selfish, yes I think it is.

shinynewapple21 · 28/06/2021 09:12

I wouldn't do it myself .

I would also bear in mind. If you are thinking it would be easy to travel back to visit - how many people thought this a few years ago and have been unable to see family members for over a year now? Hopefully this is a one off but I think Covid has made me consider things I never would have before .

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 28/06/2021 09:14

go

it's your life and it's not fair on you to have to put off opportunities.
even if people tell you it's selfish - it's not. you are taking care of yourself & your future. nobody should ever berate you for that.
be strong and do what's right for you.

starfishmummy · 28/06/2021 09:16

I'm not suggesting she dies - there are very good reasons why that might be difficult for her

Yes I can see why that might be difficult.

Pepsimirror · 28/06/2021 09:17

How old are they? Could you wait for them to pass and then move abroad?

Thewarrenerswife · 28/06/2021 09:17

My DH sibling has done this. He is a selfish twat, and everyone says it. We had a family meeting regarding care for the in laws as things deteriorate. (In laws weren’t there) He was shocked and oblivious to how his choice had impacted. He’s that set absorbed he didn’t even consider the situation of others. You are considering your impact, so if you go, it’s even worse!

I guess it all comes down to how you perceive family. For many it would seem perfectly reasonable to go. For others it would be abhorrent. It’s really down to you as individuals and the dynamic of the family.

Tal45 · 28/06/2021 09:18

This is once in a lifetime, to me it would be just as selfish of the in-laws to expect you all to miss out on that as it would for you to go and leave them. Personally I would never want my kids to give up opportunities because of me, I'm responsible for my life and my happiness, not them.

pilates · 28/06/2021 09:20

Are you talking Europe or further afield?

It is a difficult decision to make but I’m sure your parents-in-law wouldn’t want you to feel tied to them.

Cam2020 · 28/06/2021 09:21

Is DH their only child? If not then I'd not hesitate to go.

And land a sibling with all the responsibility of care when tbey inevitably decline? What a dick move!

HeddaGarbled · 28/06/2021 09:21

I wouldn’t do it to my mum. Things with her husband are just going to get worse from now on and she will be on her knees caring for him and then grieving for him.

Mosaic123 · 28/06/2021 09:22

If you move you have to live with yourselves. Realistically they are unlikely to visit you on a regular basis. Especially difficult for FIL.

Your DH needs to make the decision as they are his parents.

Nicolastuffedone · 28/06/2021 09:22

It’s disingenuous to say an elderly couple ‘could move house/area’ especially when one of them is suffering from dementia! Elderly people really don’t want the upheaval of leaving good neighbours eg. And why would they leave an area they’ve probably lived in for a long time, their church/GP/people they know?? It’s a difficult one OP. It’s family ties that keep me where I am….

Badoukas · 28/06/2021 09:23

It really weighs heavily on you knowing your old folk are struggling when you are miles away. You'd have to get them properly onboard with the idea of getting help in, otherwise the worry will eat away at you.

Remoulade · 28/06/2021 09:23

You have to do what is best for you, OP. I will not ever pass up a chance of living the life I want for anyone and any parent that would not encourage their child to live their dream really isn't a very good one, elderly or not, poorly or not.

Cam2020 · 28/06/2021 09:24

For clarification, I don't necessarily mean moving away, but the attitude that someone else is there to pick up the shit so its fine for you to dump the responsibility solely on them.

Ocsetldil · 28/06/2021 09:25

Well, that’s a monumental typo on page 1.

GOODCAT · 28/06/2021 09:25

How long would it take to get back? I had a colleague who lived close to an airport in a a European city and could get to the office in London quicker than he could from his former home.

Personally I wouldn't move at this stage but would wait until later, but this is very much based on my own situation. My sister lives very close to my mum, but I live 90 minutes away and my other sister lives about 5 hours away. I speak on the phone to my mum everyday but my sister who lives closest has the closest relationship with her, followed by me and then my other sister and geography definitely is the reason for that. I have one parent left and want to spend time with her.

My mum would never hold me back but she did get very excited when she thought we would move closer to her (misunderstanding rather than a realistic prospect due to work).

My husband's sister moved abroad at age 18 and my husband moved away but the rest of his siblings stayed close to home. Again those siblings could do more as his mum got dementia and needed help.

bananaboats · 28/06/2021 09:26

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer but agree with others my parents would never expect us to put our lives on hold for them but I appreciate others are different.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 28/06/2021 09:27

OP, ignore all the people saying it would be selfish to go. You have no idea how long your elderly in-laws may live, and by the time they die the moment might have gone for you, or you may even have health problems yourself.

I don't think any parent should stand in the way of their children living their own lives.

All that said, if it's Australia you are going to struggle to get in at the moment anyway as even Australian citizens are having to wait for their turn. NZ is a bit easier but even then the decision might be made for you.

ZenNudist · 28/06/2021 09:27

I wouldn't do that to my parents. It's very selfish. You dont have to live in their pockets and do everything for them but moving overseas is really harsh at this stage.

If they are elderly I think dh will get his chance soon. They won't necessarily be around much longer.

Imagine how you'd feel if your dc buggered off just at that point in life you really needed them. The time to have adventure was your 20s or 30s. Is very me me me to be thinking about that now.

I live a distance from both sets of family and id love to move father away from my parents but know I'm going to be needed when they are older then it would be really inconvenient to get back. Your dh will still have to travel if his parents get ill and he should think about how he's going to cope with this.