To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

[Summerplans7]

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

Sorry, I said 'your parents' when I should have said 'your in-laws'.

While we don’t actually help in practical terms (that’s all sorted), we’re the only family support she has, really.

I do love her, but I do find her extremely difficult to spend time with as all she talks about is death and illness. (I’ve never been able to relax in her company, in the 20 years I’ve known her.)

However, I was there while my DM died, and supported by DF through it, so do understand what DH is going through (although not quite the same) and he will ultimately be the one who has to choose.

I know how awful I’d feel if I had none of my children near me in my old age. But then, I’d probably move to be near them if I really struggled with that.

MIL is healthy and well-off, she could if she wanted to eventually (but I know she won’t and do understand that). She wants us to change DCs schools etc and move to near her, instead. (And she’s mere miles away!)

@DartmoorDoughnut

I didn’t have children so that they can care for me when I’m old. Of course I’d miss them if they moved to another country but I’d be pleased and proud of them for having that opportunity.

This, with knobs on.

The level of assumed obligation on children in this thread is astounding.

Honestly, no I couldn’t do that (unless it is somewhere in Europe with very good travel links perhaps). My parents have always been there to support me though, so that does make a big difference.

I think if the sister is here there’s no reason not to go.

If she really wants MIL can move to be near the sister or she can move abroad to be near you. At the very least she might find she enjoys visiting you abroad.

Have you spoken to them. If I was your mother in law I would be mortified if I felt you were curtailing your families quality of life for my benefit.

We haven’t told anyone in real life yet, but I know she wouldn’t be supportive. She would be absolutely devastated that we were even considering it.

My DF would probably come with us, though!

This kind of thing is on my mind a lot too, as I am an only child and my mother is dead, so I have an elderly father but I don't consider myself in any way bound to being in the same country as him permanently. He has made an active choice to make no friends, and to isolate himself from any form social life whatsoever outside me in the 15 years since my mother died, and I can't take the 100% responsibility that he wants me to take for his entertainment and conversation - I actually resent it a lot. Like your MIL, he would dearly like to live with us and like you, that is fully out of the question for me, ever.

BUT.

I wouldn't move to New Zealand and just ditch him completely and permanently. I would have no qualms about moving to France, or anywhere in Europe, beause realistically, I would still see him at least once a month (we've always been a very mobile family), but to go long haul would be out of the question. It would be tantamount to cutting him off, which would be horrible.

OP - if it's a "we'll go for 2 - 3 years while the kids are young" then, yeah go for it, but a permanent move is basically your husband saying that he is 100% okay with never seeing his parents again.

What is their financial situation? Can they afford carers to come in to help with DFIL. Could they move into a residential home where they have their own flat but then being watched over etc?

Will you be near enough to hop on a plane to come back? Could you afford to do so at short notice if need be?

What ages are your children? Is now the best time for them re school etc.

I'd be very tempted. I understand how you are feeling re needing an adventure. I feel so bored. I think the pandemic has made me realise that life is short and you need to grab it with both hands.

Thing is that the country is riven with individualism and I’m not really seeing the benefit of that for our aging population. The care for elderly is on its knees and is underfunded and undervalued.

I don’t think we live in a society that cares well for its elderly or fosters a culture where caring for our older members of our family is something we do.

It’s interesting that our society values independence and meism in such a way. Look where we are.

So I didn’t have kids so they could care for me in my dotage. However I lived overseas and travelled extensively in my 20s-30s and now live 4 miles from the olds.

I think at this point in their lives your PIL have never needed their son more.

If their DD lives faraway then I’m sure your in laws are used to annual visits? You can always come back to the UK for holidays and video call every week or so. If your MIL is so lonely then she can move closer to her DD.

You can’t let your MIL dictate your life through emotional coercion. I think you should move abroad and allow your family to live your dream and improve your quality of life!

From your Xpost updates I'd say go.

I think it depends if it's Europe, maybe east coast US, or much farther abroad.

I'm far away from my elderly parents but it's a 6 hour flight not 22 hours.

I actually couldn't and wouldn't do this. We are part of families, communities. If you want sea - a change of life etc, you could move to Devon!

Thnk about what you want from this other country then look for it closer to home.

The MIL isn't 'dictating' - the point is that we have emotional ties - that bind us because we choose to be good caring human beings.

You can live an interesting fulfilling life full of adventure without completely cutting off elderly relatives.

If FIL’s dementia is advanced to the point ‘he isn’t really there anymore’ as OP says, then he won’t last that much longer anyway.

So it’s a question of what MIL wants. She might choose to stay where she is for a while and at some point move near SIL or go into independent living apartment in a care complex etc. As long as she is compos mentis and physically mobile she can visit.

I know people who live abroad with parents here and they do still see them. A couple live in France, one in Italy and 2 GPS are still going to Australia in their 90s for example, and the the children visit once a year/18 months.

Yanbu for wanting to go.
Depending on the age and health of your mil ...You say she's lonely but has lots of friends,which is it?
I couldn't leave two frail(if she is) elderly family members to cope alone.
Could your dh go out there initially,assume you are talking Australia or New Zealand?,whilst you arrange for your pil be properly cared for?I appreciate they are his parents but they are your family too.fil may have to go into specialist care,mil could maybe stay at home and have care come in or move to assisted living within her community if it would help her feel more secure.
You can't just dump the problem on sil,although she's obviously been happy to move away herself,the whole family need to sit down and structure a way forward.nothing is impossible,sometimes you just have to have patience.
I hope you enjoy your new life anyway!😊

This is a very difficult one and I don't envy you.
But I will say, having recently supported my parents in their final years/months (along with my siblings), it would have been VERY difficult (both practically and emotionally) had any of us lived abroad. It was hard enough being 2 hours away.

@Wondergirl100

The MIL isn't 'dictating' - the point is that we have emotional ties - that bind us because we choose to be good caring human beings.

You can live an interesting fulfilling life full of adventure without completely cutting off elderly relatives.

Yes how can she dictate when she doesn't even know.

You'd think it if there was one thing we'd all learnt this last year it would have been the importance of family and relationships.

No I don’t think I could especially if they are supportive, loving grandparents.
It would leave her alone and coping with somebody with dementia.

@Wondergirl100

I actually couldn't and wouldn't do this. We are part of families, communities. If you want sea - a change of life etc, you could move to Devon!

Thnk about what you want from this other country then look for it closer to home.

Or as Ricky Gervais’ mum said to him:

“What do you want to go abroad for there’s bits of Reading you haven’t been!”

I’d go without hesitation but we’ve had very little to no support from our parents so I don’t feel indebted to them to the point I’d turn down life changing opportunities for my children.
In a straight choice between giving my children a better quality of life and keeping either set of parents happy, it wouldn’t even be a question.

"2 GPS are still going to Australia in their 90s for example"

I think that must be very unusual. Even if there was the money to do this, it's a huge undertaking at that sort of age. And anyway, the issue isn't so much the years when visits are possible, it's what happens when a parent becomes too frail to make the trip, or for the family abroad, life commitments end up taking precedence, making trips back challenging.

Take this opportunity. Travelling and moving abroad may well become almost impossible in the future.

I moved to another European country last year. My mum's in the UK with strong community support.

If you were actively caring for them both then I would hesitate. I ring mum every 2 days and she has built stronger links with her friends and community in my absence.

It will be hard, my mum told everyone I was on holiday at first, took her a while to adapt.

I'm in the UK visiting for a few months at the moment. Be aware though, with covid, I had seven flights cancelled before I finally made it back.

You probably need some very serious family conversations about the cost of supported care.

However, plan to go.