To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

[Summerplans7]

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

@saraclara

Well, I am sorry she didn't keep her word but I am not her and won't be doing what she did.

I'm a bit puzzled by people saying 'you have to get on with your own life' as if one's parents weren't a part of one's life.

Me, I wouldn't go. And, more to the point, I wouldn't ever tell the aged parent that there was ever any possibility of going, as that's just a mechanism to make them feel guilty and troublesome.

I haven't RTFT yet, just the OP's posts, but we're in a similar position.

We have a large group of lovely cousins in Australia that I'm quite close to and me and our DCs have dual citizenship with Canada.

We've seriously considered moving to both places, but I'm very close, emotionally and in proximity to my parents and fir this reason we feel we just can't do it.

When my mum found out this was the reason we chose to stay, she was very cross and said they'd hate to be the reason for us not following our dreams. They are very elderly now though and I still can't bear the thought of leaving them all alone and have convinced myself my mum doesn't mean what she said.

You do not have children for support later in life

Actually entire cultures do exactly this: Asians and Indians for example. That's why they are so heavily invested in their education.

They want them to get the best jobs possible precisely so they are in a position to look after them when they get older. This is completely accepted by the children too.

[quote Remoulade]@saraclara

Well, I am sorry she didn't keep her word but I am not her and won't be doing what she did.[/quote]
I'm of the generation caring for their relatives who are in their 80s and 90s. And it's a really common theme among my peers.
The difference between what our parents said when they were under 70, to what their wishes were/are when their health and mobility plummeted, is significant.

I don't blame them. When all is well with your life, you can think relatively clearly about what you want for your children. But when you're vulnerable, lonely and scared, of course you're going to cling too those you love most.

Right now, in my mid 60s, of course I don't want to be a burden to anyone. And I intend to try really hard to keep that mindset. But I'm also very sure that a significant proportion of people who feel like you and me, will change their minds when the shit his the fan. Maybe it won't be us, but a lot will.

I'm also very sure that a significant proportion of people who feel like you and me, will change their minds when the shit his the fan. Maybe it won't be us, but a lot will.

It’s not even that they’ve changed their minds or not kept their word. When circumstances change, so do people. My dad went from applauding my independence in early old age to wanting me to move in and look after them in extreme old age. He didn’t change his mind, he just couldn’t envisage being 99 and virtually housebound.

In most cultures people expect their kids to live nearby unless they come from a particularly poor background and have to emigrate for jobs. The UK and the US are pretty much the only developed places, where people move abroad/around the country at such a high rate - which I think probably has something to do with kid moving away for uni at 18 and then moving to the next place for their graduate job i.e. worldwide it is normal for the poorer rather than richer sections of society to move away from family. Not that this helps OP or anything but yes, to a lot of foreigners this would seem to be a rather strange proposition

@WalkingOnTheCracks

I'm a bit puzzled by people saying 'you have to get on with your own life' as if one's parents weren't a part of one's life.

Me, I wouldn't go. And, more to the point, I wouldn't ever tell the aged parent that there was ever any possibility of going, as that's just a mechanism to make them feel guilty and troublesome.

That is such a good point, travel to work abroad can potentially deliver on some fronts, but can also mean losing out on the many other things that are the stuff of life - old friendships, relationships with parents and siblings, a relationship with a community or place or culture, a sense of belonging, etc. I believe children need wings but roots are more important, they have their own adult lives to have adventures, see the world, experience new things. And you know what, giving your children a great life right where they are in almost any developed country is usually entirely within your gift if parents have the imagination and willingness and take the time for it (including the much lauded 'outdoors lifestyle'.)

'That is such a good point, travel to work abroad can potentially deliver on some fronts, but can also mean losing out on the many other things that are the stuff of life - old friendships, relationships with parents and siblings, a relationship with a community or place or culture, a sense of belonging'

Exactly! Family arent just things to file away as non essential anymore. I understand those in poverty or migrants who have to move to put the health of their DC first. But to choose an overseas 'opportunity' over a relationship with loved grandparents just seems so shallow tbh. Who cares if they ski or surf in a snazzy new place. Cuddles with gran are far more rewarding.

I don't understand why people think emigrating is automatically going to give them an amazing life and life changing opportunities for their children. I've lived abroad and the reality is that....you still have to work. I lived in a lovely big house, swimming pool. But all the lovely big houses meant that the city was very spread out. There were few jobs out there, to have a well paid job (which was essential to be able to afford the an ok house in a very expensive city) most people had to travel into the city and commutes were very long. Annual leave provision was much worse than in the UK. Distance between places huge. Weather often too extreme to take advantage of the outdoor lifestyle, which you hardly had time to appreciate anyway.

I'm not saying it's bound to be an awful experience, but it's unlikely to be non stop happiness and pleasure. At the end of the day, it's just normal life somewhere else. A lot of people end up disillusioned and unhappy.

Well if you move away to go om your issues or just to have an easy life, you are going to be disappointed.
If on the top if it, you also expect the nice bits if your life to still be the same, it’s going to be even harder.

That should never be the reason to move abroad.

What I got from moving form one place to the next is an open mindedness that is hard to get when you stay in the same country.
I got to experience different ways to look at the world, better understanding if other people, cultures. And that, in turn, allowed me to pick and chose what is working for me. On work practices, attitudes to work/leisure/relationships.

It’s never just perfect or awful or just the same daily grind. I ever found it was ‘just normal daily life’ because normal daily life has a different meaning depending on where you live!

@ZenNudist

I wouldn't do that to my parents. It's very selfish. You dont have to live in their pockets and do everything for them but moving overseas is really harsh at this stage.

If they are elderly I think dh will get his chance soon. They won't necessarily be around much longer.

Imagine how you'd feel if your dc buggered off just at that point in life you really needed them. The time to have adventure was your 20s or 30s. Is very me me me to be thinking about that now.

I live a distance from both sets of family and id love to move father away from my parents but know I'm going to be needed when they are older then it would be really inconvenient to get back. Your dh will still have to travel if his parents get ill and he should think about how he's going to cope with this.

Oh gosh, I hope my children never feel like this! I think it’s pretty selfish to expect your children to limit their opportunities like that, I want mine to take whatever chances they can while they can

As she has carers and physical help sorted out it seems that best support you (plural) can offer your MIL is the opportunity to chat, a listening ear.

I think if you are away you will be more aware of the need to make this a regular thing that you prioritise and she can look forward to and rely on, rather than something that can get shelved all too easily if scouts or swimming or something overruns, etc, and time gets short. You will probably take care to have plenty of video calls with her and the DC as you will be aware she won't see them.

Once FIL moves or dies and she is more alone, she may feel able to come and visit. It sounds as if she could afford Business Class - the long flight is much better if you have a decent bed.

But my DC are adults and I would hate for either or both to feel they had to miss an opportunity for me. My life and needs are my responsibility; their responsibility is primarily to their own DC. I also think it's as much up to me as them to make a relationship with grandchildren, regardless of physical distance.