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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

538 replies

Summerplans7 · 28/06/2021 08:18

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

OP posts:
Deadleaf29 · 28/06/2021 09:30

Assuming you’re talking Australia or NZ - can you even get into the country for the foreseeable? If you can, are you ok with the idea that with covid you might be unable to come back for years? If one becomes seriously ill or dies, you might well not be able to come back to help care or for the funeral or to support the bereaved.

For me it would depend on the dynamics - I would move away from one side of our family but not the other. One side is nice enough and we get on ok but we don’t really have a “looking after each other” relationship. The other side have done a lot of childcare, given us a lot of support when we needed it and are a fairly integrated part of our lives (covid aside). I fully expect to repay that support in their old age.

Remoulade · 28/06/2021 09:30

@ZenNudist

I wouldn't do that to my parents. It's very selfish. You dont have to live in their pockets and do everything for them but moving overseas is really harsh at this stage.

If they are elderly I think dh will get his chance soon. They won't necessarily be around much longer.

Imagine how you'd feel if your dc buggered off just at that point in life you really needed them. The time to have adventure was your 20s or 30s. Is very me me me to be thinking about that now.

I live a distance from both sets of family and id love to move father away from my parents but know I'm going to be needed when they are older then it would be really inconvenient to get back. Your dh will still have to travel if his parents get ill and he should think about how he's going to cope with this.

Big thumbs down to this post. Load of shite. It is not selfish to live your own life the way you want it.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/06/2021 09:31

Depends on where it is. If it's say, Denmark and his family is in Kent, v. Australia.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/06/2021 09:31

Of course you should go. Support them to organise local help, of course. Your MIL shouldn’t, and I hope doesn’t want to, hold you back.

Imdoingitnow · 28/06/2021 09:32

It's a dilemma
What message does this teach your children? That it's ok the abandon family when they need most you? You might be in a similar position one day of needing your children to support you

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 28/06/2021 09:32

Well, if it was one of my dcs, I would tell them to go.

If. you stay, you won’t get another. chance. Today it’s. FIL with dementia, then your parents then wanting to support your own dcs…

It’s your life. Take it with both hands and don’t do things for the sake of others that you will end up regretting/resent.

RealHousewifeOfEastLondon · 28/06/2021 09:33

I couldn't do it. Just thinking about not being there to support my mum during something like that makes me feel awful!

DeathStare · 28/06/2021 09:34

I'm not suggesting she dies - there are very good reasons why that might be difficult for her

Yes I can see why that might be difficult

@Ocsetldil yes it was a bad typo. Apologies.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/06/2021 09:34

@ZenNudist

I wouldn't do that to my parents. It's very selfish. You dont have to live in their pockets and do everything for them but moving overseas is really harsh at this stage.

If they are elderly I think dh will get his chance soon. They won't necessarily be around much longer.

Imagine how you'd feel if your dc buggered off just at that point in life you really needed them. The time to have adventure was your 20s or 30s. Is very me me me to be thinking about that now.

I live a distance from both sets of family and id love to move father away from my parents but know I'm going to be needed when they are older then it would be really inconvenient to get back. Your dh will still have to travel if his parents get ill and he should think about how he's going to cope with this.

Tosh. In same cases 'abroad' can be easier to access than being far apart in the UK. I didn't have kids to make them beholden to me. They need to put themselves, their earning and jobs and family first. Lastly, how does this work when in so many places, people cannot afford to stay where their parents are?
AnUnoriginalUsername · 28/06/2021 09:34

I think you should go. I don't want my son to stay in our town tied to us just in case we need his help. I want him to travel and achieve the best he can. We will plan for our own future so he doesn't need to care for us. I expect my parents to feel the same.

MIL has her own friends and a community she's chosen, she should want you to do what's best for yourselves and her grandchildren.

HeddaGarbled · 28/06/2021 09:36

I suspect some of the responses saying to go are from people who don’t know how utterly grim caring for someone with advanced dementia is.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/06/2021 09:38

I wouldn't even consider it given the circumstances.

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/06/2021 09:39

I didn’t have children so that they can care for me when I’m old. Of course I’d miss them if they moved to another country but I’d be pleased and proud of them for having that opportunity.

DareIask · 28/06/2021 09:42

@ZenNudist

I wouldn't do that to my parents. It's very selfish. You dont have to live in their pockets and do everything for them but moving overseas is really harsh at this stage.

If they are elderly I think dh will get his chance soon. They won't necessarily be around much longer.

Imagine how you'd feel if your dc buggered off just at that point in life you really needed them. The time to have adventure was your 20s or 30s. Is very me me me to be thinking about that now.

I live a distance from both sets of family and id love to move father away from my parents but know I'm going to be needed when they are older then it would be really inconvenient to get back. Your dh will still have to travel if his parents get ill and he should think about how he's going to cope with this.

I absolutely agree with this.

Do those of you who think you should just live your life with no thought for others really mean it?!

AnUnoriginalUsername · 28/06/2021 09:42

@starfishmummy

I'm not suggesting she dies - there are very good reasons why that might be difficult for her

Yes I can see why that might be difficult.

😂😂😂
yumscrumfatbum · 28/06/2021 09:43

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to this. I think the important thing is how the decision you make will make you feel. If leaving them means feeling hugely guilty and worried about them will you be able to enjoy your adventure? If staying leaves you unhappy and resentful what will that do to the relationship?

StaffRepFeistyClub · 28/06/2021 09:43

Do what is best for your family and futures.

If you stay will you resent missing out on the opportunity in a few years?

GU24Mum · 28/06/2021 09:44

It's really hard. .....

I could have gone without a backwards glance when my parents were in their late 50s. They're now early 80s, we've got their only grandchildren, live close enough to see them frequently, sibling not around to help etc etc and I personally couldn't do it.

MIL is marginally younger though on her own but lives further away and near lots of her family we hardly see her anyway and she has visits from the golden sibling so that dynamic would be different.

Supersimkin2 · 28/06/2021 09:44

Go. What you and DC will gain is infinitely more than what MIL loses. FIL will be in a dementia home shortly and she’ll get her life back, don’t forget. That means long lovely holidays with you.

Remoulade · 28/06/2021 09:45

@DareIask

Do those of you who think it's okay for parents to prevent their children from living their lives the way they want to really mean it?!

newnortherner111 · 28/06/2021 09:46

I think it depends on how long the job opportunity is for. If it is for many years until retirement, very different from a 3 to 4 year opportunity, given the upheaval it brings.

You have to assume that visits to MIL or anyone else might become impossible, when considering your decision. Remember that the pandemic has not been the only thing to restrict travel, remember the Icelandic volcano of a few years ago, and also the number of airlines pre-pandemic to close down.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 28/06/2021 09:46

We want to move away , I would be leaving mother and sister who both need me as support . I've never done anything for me and put everyone else first . I feel like doing something for me for a change and if I wait until she isn't around I'll be too old !

SueSaid · 28/06/2021 09:49

'I just couldn't do that. If your mother and father-in-law have been part of your lives and now she desperately needs help, I think it's cruel and selfish to abandon her now.'

Absolutely this.

MaudesMum · 28/06/2021 09:49

It's not just being around regularly, but it's what happens when emergencies occur - as they inevitably will as relatives get older. The phone call saying someone has had a fall/is in hospital/is unlikely to live much longer. We had all of those in the last year or so of our parents' lives, and it meant lots of drives across the country for me and my siblings. It would be much harder to deal with if you're a plane ride away. So, at the very least, you need to work out how you'd respond to those calls.

DareIask · 28/06/2021 09:50

@Remoulade

OP is clearly having a dilemma because he conscience is stopping her. Rightly so

Not her MIL.

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