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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

538 replies

Summerplans7 · 28/06/2021 08:18

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

OP posts:

579qkghs · 28/06/2021 10:27

Would you move if your DF wasnt coming with? And if both your parents were still around? Not trying to be harsh but it seems that for you - your family is important enough that you are not leaving them behind. I would probably do the same by both sets - but it's easy for me as coincidentally they all live in the same city

Remoulade · 28/06/2021 10:28

You'd think it if there was one thing we'd all learnt this last year it would have been the importance of family and relationships

I would say the one thing we should have all learnt this last year is that we should live life to the fullest and not be afraid to say yes to things that may scare us, like a big move, because that trip to Waitrose might be the thing that literally ends your life.

theleafandnotthetree · 28/06/2021 10:30

@TidyOmlette

It’s difficult but I think you should go.

She has the community and friends and DH’s sister. It could be an amazing thing for your family and you can’t not live your life because you feel guilty.

She’ll be fine

With all due respect, you have absolutely no way of knowing 'she'll be fine'. That's the kind of thing people say to make themselves feel better about these kind of dilemmas but it has no basis in reality

GnomeDePlume · 28/06/2021 10:31

I would go.

We moved to mainland Europe when widowed DM was in her early 70s. At the point when we moved she was devastated. Once we got settled in she and DPiL came to visit every couple of months (we paid for flights). They would stay for a week and leave personal items at our house so they didnt need to bring too much luggage. They all got to know Luton Airport very well and knew the routine so well it quickly ceased to be a stress for them.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/06/2021 10:31

I absolutely could not do it. The guilt/heartache would be just too much for me. But you are not unreasonable to want to. I think so long as you give your DH the final say on this one that’s fine. How often would you come back?

ifonly4 · 28/06/2021 10:32

OP, just to say I totally understand how you feel. My DH turned down a job just after we married as my Dad died on our honeymoon and I couldn't leave my Mum. Being honest, I think we made the wrong decision as my Mum can be very difficult and expects everyone to think like her, even though she cares. We know a potential house move will come up in the next couple of years - I already know I can't look after my Mum on a daily basis in her old age as she'll mentally run me into the ground - it'll be a tough one though, leaving her with no one else or following my DH's dreams this time.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 28/06/2021 10:33

I haven't RTFT but just wanted to say from the point of view of someone with children in their mid-to-late 30s that, although I would miss them horribly if they went to work abroad, I would hate the thought that they had given up a dream chance of a lifetime on my account. Parents more than anything want their children to be happy.

Maggiesfarm · 28/06/2021 10:33

The grass is always greener on the other side.

I think it is great for young people to work abroad for a while if the opportunity presents but it can also be quite lonely so think carefully about it, including what you would be leaving behind.

SupermanInk · 28/06/2021 10:35

I would go, you get one life. You aren’t responsible for his parents, they’re adults.

TheHoneyFactory · 28/06/2021 10:35

Seeings as you wont say where in the world you are looking at - if it is Australia, be very wary of presuming when FIL passes MIL can just pop over on a visa - the aged parent visa takes years to process (5-10yrs) at the moment, and any health issue found in the screening processes will be the basis for refusal. Its speculated and anticipated the Aus govt to rein in parent visas over the next few years. They want families (future tax payers!) and they see aged visa seekers as societal burdens. Just a kind warning to not be presumptuous when it comes to visas (speaking from experience)
Sorry but honestly, the distance is a nightmare with aged parents and the pandemic has made everything so so much bloody harder.

Overdueanamechange · 28/06/2021 10:39

Its a tough one, but my parents would tell me that my priority is to my children, their future, education and quality of life. If this is improved by moving then they would want me to go.
You said your DH has a sister - she needs to visit more.

Forestdweller11 · 28/06/2021 10:39

Just posting to comment ref a pp who said that if fil isn't with it anymore they won't last much longer. This is not necessarily the case My DD had no mobility, little if any speech, knew no one and lasted 5 years this way.

Thewiseoneincognito · 28/06/2021 10:41

OP it’s your decision but read the many stories about being trapped away from loved ones due to travel restrictions. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all.

Honeyroar · 28/06/2021 10:42

If our parents weren’t so old and in need of help my husband and I would move area. Our parents aren’t asking us to stay, but I couldn’t be so selfish as to leave them in their hour of need. My parents have done so much for me over the years. We’ll go in a few years time when they’ve gone. In the meantime I treasure every minute with them. (we lost my mil this month, so that’s reinforced the feeling)

theleafandnotthetree · 28/06/2021 10:42

@VexedofVirginiaWater

I think most parents (not all) want their children to be happy but also have other wants and needs and don't exist only as parents. And when life becomes very difficult as it can towards the end, they may also want and more to the point NEED support and care. This doesn't make them selfish or unloving parents, it makes them vulnerable and ordinary humans. We have the beginnings of this with our parents, the inevitable decline in capacity and increased need for support. For perhaps the first time in her life, my mother is asking things of us siblings and we have to respond as well as we can within our own limitations, other obligations, etc. My mother is a wonderful and very giving person but right now, her needs occassionally trump things which are going on in our lives.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/06/2021 10:42

We didn't.
No regrets.

Leshan · 28/06/2021 10:43

What age is the MIL?
What age are you and your family?

How far is FIL along with his dementia?
Dementia lengthens your life, so he could live a long time yet as a result of it.

It's a tough dilemma though.

SparklyLeprechaun · 28/06/2021 10:43

I couldn't do it, not under these circumstances. If the PILs were elderly but otherwise healthy then yes, I'd consider making the move.

topwings · 28/06/2021 10:45

I would go.

You're not leaving MIL in the lurch if the practical side of support is already provided for.

It would break my heart if I thought I held my dc back in living their own life while they sat around waiting for me to die so they could make decisions for themself.

WimpoleHat · 28/06/2021 10:45

@DeathStare

You need to make the decision for you and your DC. Your MIL also has choices open to her, whether she chooses to take them is up to her. You can't live her life, you need to live your own life.

Absolutely this.

SueSaid · 28/06/2021 10:47

@topwings

I would go.

You're not leaving MIL in the lurch if the practical side of support is already provided for.

It would break my heart if I thought I held my dc back in living their own life while they sat around waiting for me to die so they could make decisions for themself.

Oh stop being so dramatic. It is perfectly possible to 'live their life' whilst staying in the same country. The ops dc have a good relationship with their dgm, doesn't this stuff matter?

SparklyLeprechaun · 28/06/2021 10:47

Dementia lengthens your life, so he could live a long time yet as a result of it.

Say what now??

TatianaBis · 28/06/2021 10:48

@theleafandnotthetree

That cuts both ways - no-one can say she won’t be fine as they have absolutely no idea.

It is the kind of thing that people tell themselves because they are too scared to live the life they really want.

forpeeetssake · 28/06/2021 10:49

This is so tricky, and as you can see from all the answers above, everyone has a different viewpoint. There are so many different flavours of relationship with elderly parents based on history, geography, personalities etc and there isn't an easy answer.

In your shoes, DH and I wouldn't hesitate to go. However our parents are all in reasonable health, we don't have any DCs and contact is mainly phone and email based anyway, so us upping sticks to go abroad wouldn't have a huge impact on their lives. Conversely, I have friends how I know wouldn't dream of it however much they wanted to go, because their aging parents are a huge part of their everyday lives and it would be a huge wrench for everyone involved.

Only you and your DH will be able to make the call, but all I can say is IMO you are not being at all unreasonable to want to consider this - your life and opportunities are important too, I do think that if this is really once in a lifetime chance it has to be properly considered, even if you end up deciding not to explore it. I do think 'MIL wouldn't want to come anyway' is quite telling - if this is the stance she will take regardless, then she is absolutely making her own choices, and she cannot expect you to spend your lives living where she wants you to, when she isn't willing to consider the opposite. Does she really expect you to base your family life around her preferred location until she's no longer here? If so, it's not you that's being selfish.......

Lalliella · 28/06/2021 10:50

I don’t think I could take the children away from their grandparents, sorry. My friend did this and her dad told me he was utterly heartbroken but could never tell her and had to pretend to be happy for her. He only saw his granddaughter 3 more times.

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