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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To move away and leave elderly in-laws behind?

538 replies

Summerplans7 · 28/06/2021 08:18

DH’s company has been talking to him about the chance of a transfer abroad. His job is perfectly safe here in the U.K., but the opportunity abroad is a country we have both always wanted to live in (although with Covid restrictions almost impossible to get to at the moment), but it would take us far from his elderly parents.

His mother would be devastated as she is close to our children and has been lonely over the last few years due to Covid, and the health of his his father has declined severely (he has dementia and isn’t really “there” anymore). I feel guilty even considering it. So does DH.

Do you think it would be selfish to go? It would be selfish of course, I know, but these chances only come around once in a lifetime (for us anyway).

All the restrictions have made us crave an adventure more than ever. The country we are considering is also frequently on the top of the list for qualify of life, and places to raise children, making it more tempting. And I have a good friend who lives there, so it wouldn’t be totally alien.

MIL wouldn’t want to come, even if FIL wasn’t unwell, so that’s not an option. She has a lot of friends and a community here and doesn’t intend to ever leave her area. She is actually pushing us to move nearer (we’re not far at the moment), has even suggested we all move in together (not an option for me).

OP posts:

Knotaknitter · 28/06/2021 09:50

Just because MIL doesn't want to ever leave her area doesn't mean that you have to as well. She's not a child but an adult, she lives her life and you live yours. Make sure she's set up with the ability to video call and get away. You can't put your life on hold in case someone else might need you.

If you and your husband are going to spend the time wracked with guilt then maybe not - only you have the answer to this. Stay and feel resentful at an opportunity missed, go and feel guilty.

Veronika13 · 28/06/2021 09:51

OP, I moved to Australia. Haven't seen my mum for 2 years and she's not well. I'm scared the next time I'll be allowed to leave the country will be for her funeral.

BUT I would still move. I've built an amazing life for myself here and my mum said she would 'hate' to see me back in England, as she's seen the better quality of life I have here, and it gives her comfort and makes her feel warm inside.

She misses me terribly but (from her words) seeing me live an amazing life is so so worth it to her.

Lolalovesmarmite · 28/06/2021 09:51

Honestly, I wouldn’t go. I think to leave your husbands parents knowing that they would struggle would be very cruel.

MatildaTheCat · 28/06/2021 09:51

It’s hard to convey how difficult life becomes for the whole family when a loved one has severe dementia. Supporting my DM from a few hundred miles away was very hard and she had local support too. Navigating the system, making impossible decisions and then dealing with the aftermath. It’s massive. Don’t underestimate this. Doing this during Covid makes it more similar to living abroad. One DB who was abroad was devastated by his lack of ability to help.

This one and only chance may feel that way now but in reality it’s not. A bit like falling for a house and deciding it’s the only one that could ever be right. It isn’t. If you stay now, later there will be other opportunities if you want them.

Only you can decide but don’t underestimate my first paragraph. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Iheartmysmart · 28/06/2021 09:52

I would hate for DS to feel that he had to give up an opportunity like this because of me. It’s his life and he needs to live it however is best for him. You don’t have kids so you have someone to look after you in old age.

Atalune · 28/06/2021 09:52

The reality is that the travel will be nigh on impossible for all of you for the time being.

Then travel from the elderly parents to you won’t happen either.

You need to factor that in. And if you’re ok with that. Essentially never seeing them again then you know you can make that decision.

If on the other hand you couldn’t live with that then you should stay.

Neither are ideal.

There is alot to be said for out of site out of mind.

There isn’t an easy answer.

FWIW if the location was Europe then I would go. If it was international then I would not.

Friend has recently returned from Australia as she couldn’t cope with the distance and lack of family contact.

WhySoSensitive · 28/06/2021 09:53

How far is the travel?
If it’s Europe and you’re reasonably close then yes, if it’s Australia/New Zealand/Canada, possibly not.
FWIW. I would go.

SoSadAboutMyDad · 28/06/2021 09:54

I think it’s selfish. Nothing is more important than family. We live about 10 mins from grandparents and, for them, the grandchildren are everything and make life worth living. The children get so much from a grandparent that is different from what they get from a parent - the ‘grand’ relationships are very special. I would never sacrifice that.

WinterIsGone · 28/06/2021 09:56

I suspect some of the responses saying to go are from people who don’t know how utterly grim caring for someone with advanced dementia is.
Absolutely this. MIL is now in a situation where she needs support. Is it such a big sacrifice not to go?

Remoulade · 28/06/2021 09:56

[quote DareIask]@Remoulade

OP is clearly having a dilemma because he conscience is stopping her. Rightly so

Not her MIL. [/quote]
She only has this dilemma because society says we have to stick around for our parents when we really don't, so no, not "rightly so" but very much "wrongly so".

It is not the least bit selfish to want to live your life for you.

Quickchangeartiste · 28/06/2021 09:56

OP, I have been in your shoes - you really want to be thinking of your own DC and what this opportunity means for them ( and you & DH).

Posters saying, they will be gone soon, then there will be time, are not being fair.
None of us know how much time we or our family members have.

I think DH needs to talk to his mum and see what her reaction is, then you make a decision based on how you & he feel.

Branleuse · 28/06/2021 09:57

If you all really want to do it, then do it. Especially if you have the option of coming back later.
Its hard to leave parents, but whats the other option. Not live your life till your parents are dead?

Offer the in laws the option to come with you. Even if they say no, then youve offered.

Original poster

Summerplans7 · 28/06/2021 09:58

@Sirzy

deathstare I think your underestimating the impact a move can have on those with dementia, especially when as in the case of OP it sounds quite advanced. I doubt them moving, especially overseas, is going to be a viable option

Yes FIL could in no way move at this point. When he dies (awful to say), MIL could, but she won’t I am sure.

OP posts:

Crocodilesoup · 28/06/2021 10:00

Of course it would be selfish. Sometimes we need to make choices that are best for us though. I always lived away from family, I think I would feel worse about moving away if I did it when my parents had come to rely on me than doing it at 20. I don't know, but I would assume, that they helped with the dc when they were younger etc. So leaving now does seem harsh and will be hard for them to deal with - especially if it's to somewhere further than an hour or so's flight away.

579qkghs · 28/06/2021 10:02

Assuming it's somewhere as far away as Australia/New Zealand - I really wouldnt. But I came back from living abroad a couple of years ago to be closer to both sets of elderly parents. For me - being close to family is important. We dont always get on and they are all difficult people but nonetheless I see it as my duty to be near to them

EllieQ · 28/06/2021 10:02

@MatildaTheCat

Only you can decide but don’t underestimate my first paragraph. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Agree. It’s very hard to deal with this kind of situation from a distance. The years when my mum was living at home with carers coming in three times a day were full of stress and crisis after crisis - some major, some minor, but all had to be dealt with. My sisters and I visited frequently, but my aunt, who lived nearby, took the brunt of the day-to-day issues, which was unfair on her.

Your FlL will only get worse, and will no doubt need to go into residential care (for my mum, this was when she started wandering out of the house and night). It’s a stressful and miserable time, and I think you would be unkind to leave your MIL to deal with it all herself.

Malin52 · 28/06/2021 10:03

@Veronika13

OP, I moved to Australia. Haven't seen my mum for 2 years and she's not well. I'm scared the next time I'll be allowed to leave the country will be for her funeral.

She misses me terribly but (from her words) seeing me live an amazing life is so so worth it to her.

Definitely this.

DeadSouth · 28/06/2021 10:03

I think I’m life your allowed to be selfish now and again, SIL obviously is as she stays far away and isn’t involved much.
Family is so important of course but if it’s a once in a life time opportunity I think jumping at it is probably for the best here,

NakedAttraction · 28/06/2021 10:04

After 12 months plus if hardly seeing my parents or in laws, there is absolutely no way I would consider a move oversees at the moment. It would break their hearts.

DareIask · 28/06/2021 10:04

@Remoulade

Living your life for yourself and only yourself is surely the definition of selfish.

SueSaid · 28/06/2021 10:05

@WinterIsGone

I suspect some of the responses saying to go are from people who don’t know how utterly grim caring for someone with advanced dementia is. Absolutely this. MIL is now in a situation where she needs support. Is it such a big sacrifice not to go?

Apparently the family having a jolly time is far more important.

Op, you say your mil is very involved with the dc. These relationships are so important. More so than a home in the sun tbh. We all know zoom and facetime is a very poor substitute.

Can go you really leave and not care about his dm who clearly needs a bit of support at the moment . We've heard it non stop this last year how important family and relationships are.

WanderleyWagon · 28/06/2021 10:05

If it's NZ then I have reflected on very similar questions. At the moment I live a train and ferry ride from my widowed parent, see them several times a year for extended stays and talk to them a couple of times a week. NZ would be the other side of the world from them, though I've been several times, love it and have considered possibilities of moving there.

I can't advise you on what decision to take, but what I can say is: don't make a decision based on what @ZenNudist suggests, i.e. that 'it won't be much longer'. My father has been widowed and feeling like he's an old man in the autumn of his days for the last fifteen years. The way I have managed it is to calculate what support I can sustain if it were to be 10-20 more years. I have found that pacing myself like this has allowed me to support him gladly and avoided burnout. If you knew your parents were going to live for another 10-20 years, would that affect your decision?

I wouldn't reject the idea of going to NZ out of hand, even if eventually you decide not to. Is it possible to have a chat about what kind of practical day to day support could be put in place for your mum and dad to reduce their reliance on family? (tbh, this is something to discuss even if you stay where you are). Would your husband's job/salary allow for a yearly extended visit back to the UK?

Of course it will depend a lot on the specific dynamics of your family. I wish you well with this really difficult decision.

TidyOmlette · 28/06/2021 10:06

It’s difficult but I think you should go.

She has the community and friends and DH’s sister. It could be an amazing thing for your family and you can’t not live your life because you feel guilty.

She’ll be fine

NigellaSeed · 28/06/2021 10:06

Go OP.

You have kids to give them life, not so you aren't alone when youre old. I'm sure you feel that way about your DC, I'm sure your MIL feels that way about your DH. Live your life!

Remoulade · 28/06/2021 10:07

[quote DareIask]@Remoulade

Living your life for yourself and only yourself is surely the definition of selfish. [/quote]
But it isn't just for the OP, it's for her husband and their children too. Why on earth should they be tied to miserable England for his parents?

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