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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

269 replies

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:10

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

OP posts:

MiddlesexGirl · 28/06/2021 08:17

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You've given several really good reasons for why now and why there.

Can you get him on a one or two week intensive driving course asap?

Melitza · 28/06/2021 08:21

I can see why your ds feels as he does but in reality your ds would probably have moved away after uni anyway.
Both our adult dc moved away within 2 years of leaving uni.

It will feel harsh to your ds atm but its just tricky timing and being forced rather than a natural progression.
I don't think there's much you can do other than the support you have already offered.
Just keep being empathetic but if moving is the right decision for you and dh then your ds has to accept it.

gamerchick · 28/06/2021 08:25

He's 18, its all about the friends at that age. He's free to move out and do it alone if it's an issue.

You're not doing anything wrong, you can't put quality of life on hold for a teenagers social life.

Original poster

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:29

@gamerchick

He's 18, its all about the friends at that age. He's free to move out and do it alone if it's an issue.

You're not doing anything wrong, you can't put quality of life on hold for a teenagers social life.

Yeah that's pretty much what I said about quality of life vs. his social life, and then felt crap about it because as you say, it is all about the friends at this stage. Particularly after the shit year they've all had - so much cancelled, so many plans spoiled and I suppose he just feels as if this is yet another thing happening outside of his control.

OP posts:

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 08:32

Can you afford to help with driving lessons?

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 08:33

But to be honest if he is going to uni then there will be more friends and he would be travelling to see his old friends anyway

DinosaurDiana · 28/06/2021 08:35

He is going to Uni in a year so he will just have to put up with this u TIL then, or he gets a job and rents where he wants to be.

gamerchick · 28/06/2021 08:35

Everyone has had a shit year and unfortunately the bill payers get the final say. Stop beating yourself up.

You've offered the travel help, he can still see his friends but a 4 bed detached house is a no brainer. Do you think he'll feel guilty leaving you hanging around just so he can see his friends when he wants?

Zzelda · 28/06/2021 08:36

Given that you couldn't stay in your rented house anyway, I really wouldn't feel guilty about this if I were you. It would have been insane to rent somewhere else when you had the opportunity to buy simply to support his social life. If he's that bothered he'll need to find a job and find somewhere to rent for himself.

Elys3 · 28/06/2021 08:38

Does he know what he’s going to to with his year out? I would just help him with travel / driving lessons if you can. And with more space maybe it will be more feasible for friends to see him at home. Maybe you could help him create a really good computer / TV room to invite friends back to.

Snoken · 28/06/2021 08:38

If he's 18 he can just get a job in his old town, move in to a flat share and stay close to his friends. There is no reason why he has to move with you at that age.

BarbarianMum · 28/06/2021 08:39

YANBU but it is understandable that he feels like this. What are his plans for his year out?

Pottedpalm · 28/06/2021 08:41

Won’t his friends be off to Uni anyway?

StMarysKettle · 28/06/2021 08:42

He's 18 - an adult now. He will be off in a few years without a second glance. He can't expect you to put your plans on hold until he's decided he's ready to go to uni. It might be tough for him to accept but making difficult decisions for the good of the family is what being an adult is about so it's a good chance to point that out to him.

If he wants to stay behind could he get a job and a flat share with some of his mates?

FelicityPike · 28/06/2021 08:43

@Snoken

If he's 18 he can just get a job in his old town, move in to a flat share and stay close to his friends. There is no reason why he has to move with you at that age.

Yeah exactly. As harsh as that sounds. He does have options. What are his plans for his gap year? Will he be working or travelling or volunteering?

LizziesTwin · 28/06/2021 08:44

Relatives had to do this because of work. Their solution was to fund travel back to the old area once a month.

How will you feel if he decides to get a job & live in a flat share in your old area? Is he that motivated?

Theunamedcat · 28/06/2021 08:44

He picked the wrong year to take a year out honestly he would have been better in education and making new friends

Original poster

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:44

His plans are to get a job to save up and pay for some travelling. He's signed up for a Camp America-type thing next summer and as his dad lives in the US he'll do some travelling there too.

I've said his mates can come and stay whenever they like, we will now have the space, we're a 15-min bus ride from a town that's got a really arty / music-led vibe which he loves - personally I think he'll really love it once he settles but I can't help feeling crap!

I just want everyone to have a fresh start and be happy but I guess I can't control a teenager's emotions!

OP posts:

Original poster

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:47

His gf is going to uni in Sept, but his close group of mates aren't going / are doing apprenticeships. There was talk of a flatshare but tbh I don't think it's likely - I don't think any of them will be earning enough in the short-term to cover it. We live in an expensive area, hence the move!

OP posts:

Drivingmeupthewall · 28/06/2021 08:47

He’s going to uni anyway in a few months. Why should his social life dictate the lives of the rest of his family? No. He’s welcome to get a job and take a short term AST in his preferred town, but if not, then he needs to learn to not be so very, very selfish.

Tal45 · 28/06/2021 08:48

You had to leave if your current place is being sold so it makes sense to do what you're doing, but I can understand that he's struggling with it. Driving lessons have started up again now haven't they? If you can afford it I'd get those going asap if possible. If he can do an intensive course all the better, it might help as a sweetner.

BarbarianMum · 28/06/2021 08:48

Sometimes anticipation is worse than the reality. You may find that things settle quite quickly when you do move. Right now I'd sympathise with his feels and listen to his worries and concentrate on getting the move done.

UserAtRandom · 28/06/2021 08:52

I agree it's not up to him where you move to.

But it's reasonable for him to be unhappy about it as well. I suspect you might also have to accept that he effectively may move out sooner than he otherwise would and you may not see too much of him in uni holidays.

Loudestcat14 · 28/06/2021 08:54

Did you discuss the move with him beforehand or was it presented to him as a done deal? I think he's worrying unnecessarily about making friends, etc, because as PP say his mates will be off to uni anyway, but maybe he didn't felt left out of the decision making process, like he doesn't matter anymore now he's left school?

Loudestcat14 · 28/06/2021 08:54

Whoops, left a stray "didn't" in that final sentence.

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