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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

269 replies

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:10

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 28/06/2021 10:36

@speakout

*The issue is you’ve moved for your quality of life not his. His is undoubtedly going to be harder until he goes away.

Personally I wouldn’t have moved an 18 year old away from friends after the 18mths we’ve just had.

It’s all very well saying he’s an adult now and can stand on his own two feet but 18 is still very young to be self sufficient and I honestly think covid and the lack of opportunities and experiences has stunted teens development.*

I agree. Sorry OP but I wouldn't do this.

Didn't you see the bit where the OP says they've been renting? And the house they're in won't be available in a month? Even if it were, as renters they're at the mercy of their landlord's whims anyway, It's how it is all the time for people who rent. You may have to move any time...
Original poster
SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 10:38

Did you discuss it fully with him at the time?

We did discuss it. He came to visit the town and some houses with us on more than one occasion. However he admits that he didn't really think we were serious about moving to that area and that we'd probably just end up staying nearer to where we are now. We had originally looked a bit closer to home but we were getting very little for our money.

He likes where we're moving to - for a day trip! I think it's just that the reality of actually moving there has hit.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 28/06/2021 10:39

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case!

As soon as I read he was 18, YWNBU.

Even if you DID think the above, as tough a reality check as that might be for him, that would be perfectly valid.

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 28/06/2021 10:39

I think that if he would be going to Uni/had a proper plan, it would be fine

With a wobbly set up for him (chosen by him, supported by you) of a vague gap year that’s not yet organised, it’s a little bit like pulling the rig from underneath him

The current 18 yr olds have all just spent a year and a half at Home, as a result they all are likely to suffer a bit of arrested development.

In normal times, at 16/17/18 they spread their wings, plan their life, get jobs/plan to go to Uni/learn to drive/do NCS/do all kinds of stuff….

This lot has been stuck at home instead

You can’t then suddenly expect them to be as “grown up” as non-pandemic teens.

So as a parent of an 18 yr old, I’d say the timing is very unfortunate. And I’d help him figure out a proper plan and stop him drifting into a vague gap year.

NoSquirrels · 28/06/2021 10:39

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

No, it’s not wrong.

I imagine that if the tenancy had been up 18 months ago your decision might have been different. But when he’s finished his education of course it’s when you’d move - you’ve presumably prioritised him for 18 years and now you need to look into the future and part of that is owning your home so you’re not in a precarious position for retirement.

I’d kindly remind him that he’s made his own decisions (not going to uni) and you haven’t objects to that. I’d sympathise and offer solutions (driving lessons, lifts) but I wouldn’t apologise or accept the guilt trip.

And as PP say, he’s actually in a great position to meet people if he’s looking for a job. And all the usual ‘how to meet people in a new area’ tactics apply - join a sports team or hobby group, volunteering etc.

He’ll be fine! Congrats on the new house.

Original poster
SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 10:40

It's not that big @Scaredycatmoo76!

Plus, we do have friends and family we'd like to have stay with us, whether ds is here or not. We've never lived anywhere where we've been able to 'entertain' people for the weekend, we've never had the space.

OP posts:
rose47 · 28/06/2021 10:41

Ps you are not a shit parent as you are thinking about this.
Good luck. Hope it all works out whatever you decide. If you decide not to move out of area don't blame that on your son later on.
Let us know how it all pans out.

Original poster
SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 10:43

@rose47

Ps some people on this thread said negative things about way your son feeling. I think it's good that he has opened up about that as he is obviously anxious and feeling abit worried.
Thanks @rose47, I think it's good too and it's a shame some posters have interpreted it as him being selfish or whatever.

We have a good relationship and I'm pleased he can talk to me about how he's feeling. I feel sad that he's sad!

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 28/06/2021 10:44

He really needs to come to the realisation that the world doesn't revolve around him.

Does he really think you should give up on planning the rest of your life that suits you just to ensure he still has the perfect social life for the next 12 months?

Of course he is entitled to feel a bit frazzled and anxious about entering the world of adulthood, but he has no right to believe that you owe him to prioritise his social life.

What he'll discover is that his friends will have moved on. They won't have time during the week, just weekends and even then, they might not be up to socialise as they used to. His priority should be to find a job, save, resume his driving lessons and move on. He will have his girlfriend to visit too, so it's likely he won't see his friends half as much as he used to.

OldTinHat · 28/06/2021 10:44

This happened when my DS2 was 18. I moved a couple of hours from where we lived so he decided to stay put and move in with his older gf. He has now gone NC with me (almost a year now, he's 20) which is heartbreaking. But you have to do what's right for you are your reasons for moving are the same as mine.

Original poster
SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 10:46

Oh that's reassuring, cheers @OldTinHat Hmm

OP posts:
SofiaMichelle · 28/06/2021 10:46

@Scaredycatmoo76

But to move to a big family home at precise point when all children will have moved out or very shortly moved out….

Well, that’s why I’m baffled!

Do you not think people should live in whatever house they like if they can afford it?

I don't see what's baffling about wanting a big house. There's no compulsion to only have exactly the size of house you need as a bare minimum.

Drivingmeupthewall · 28/06/2021 10:49

You’re easily baffled @Scaredycatmoo76

Moving to a bigger house: they can afford to buy in the new location, they only rent currently. Why wouldn’t you invest in a larger property if you could? Perhaps as they can afford it and they like the idea of their kids having somewhere to stay if they visit for Christmas etc. Perhaps they want to get a lodger…

Not everyone is morally obliged to live shrink-wrapped in a house they only just fit into.

ScrollingLeaves · 28/06/2021 10:50

It is completely understandable that he feels as he does - his whole life must be changing with all the loss that entails.

That does not mean you are not doing the right tho g and in time he will see that.

He will have new friends soon.
His old and new friends will enjoy coming to your nice house.

Canigooutyet · 28/06/2021 10:51

I wouldn't be pandering to him or offering to sweeten the deal.I would be asking what his suggestion is considering you cannot stay where you are. He would be given the figure I can afford and details about what my requirements are and told to crack on and search for something. And as you say you're priced out of the area and he would know it's this or a cardboard box so he can be near his mates. What's it to be?

90 minutes is nothing people do that daily to get to work, at least he has options to crash on mates sofas.

His mates getting a house share even on apprenticeship wage as they aren't all badly paid, isn't out of the realms of possibility. They don't have to stay in that area either.

And yes I know what teens are like. Got 3 through this age and in the middle of it for the very last time thankfully.

Scaredycatmoo76 · 28/06/2021 10:51

@SeasideMove

It's not that big *@Scaredycatmoo76*!

Plus, we do have friends and family we'd like to have stay with us, whether ds is here or not. We've never lived anywhere where we've been able to 'entertain' people for the weekend, we've never had the space.

Sounds lovely, enjoy
Original poster
SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 10:53

Sounds lovely, enjoy

Thank you, we will (I hope!) Grin

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 28/06/2021 10:55

I think it's good too and it's a shame some posters have interpreted it as him being selfish or whatever. We have a good relationship and I'm pleased he can talk to me about how he's feeling. I feel sad that he's sad!

I think you need to seperate the word from the perceived judgement behind it. The truth is he is being selfish about this. That doesn't make him a terrible person but it is the the reality of this. People aren't pointing it out to be mean, they're pointing it out to empower you to know that you aren't making an unfair decision and you certainly shouldn't stay put just because he's expressed these feelings.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/06/2021 11:01

YANBU at all. There are things DS can to improve his situation before uni:

Go to uni this year and still do Camp America next summer.
Learn to drive.
Move into house share with friends and get job in old area for a year.
Get a job in new area and see friends at weekends.

What is he planning on doing?

StrongArm · 28/06/2021 11:02

they are funny aren't they - I do think these things are often bigger in their heads than we realise. And it's probably all about fear of change than anything else. He's about to go to uni (big change), his gf moving away (big change) and now the one thing that was firm (house/friends/where mum was) is also moving.

for context, I have been talking about us moving to a bigger place (also slightly different area) for a while but both mine were really upset when I said the decision had been made (both over 18!). One of them said it was the fact that it was the 'loss of their family home' that made them so sad. The place they felt safe and comfortable and had played a big part in them growing up.

what I have been working on getting them to understand is that home is where the heart is - essentially if I'm there and I make it a home for them, it will be a home, wherever it is. Mine are also dc of a split family and I think that makes a difference as they felt v anchored to here through the divorce.

NannyAndJohn · 28/06/2021 11:08

He's a grown adult living rent-free in a large house with two rooms to himself.

The vast majority of 18 year olds would kill for this setup.

And surely he can keep in touch with friends over Zoom?

noirchatsdeux · 28/06/2021 11:10

My parents moved myself and my two brothers on average twice every year (one memorable year we moved 4 times - and I'm talking country, not town...not Army) when I was 9 to 15.

We were never asked for our opinion on any move. We were told when and where we were going, that was it. My parents would have laughed their heads off if anyone had expressed the idea that we should have a say...

He's 18, an adult. If he hates the idea so much he can get a place of his own, where he wants.

Branleuse · 28/06/2021 11:15

as long as he knows that youre hearing him and understand his point of view, but this is what youve had to do and not all of it was in your control as youve been priced out of the area, and your tenancy is up.
Explain to him that there will be good things and bad things about moving, and that if he doesnt like it, then his plans to go to uni arent that far away, and he will always have a home with you. Explain that youre glad you were able to get him to 18 in the town he prefers, and remind him that its still travelling distance for a day trip and this will be a good opportunity for him to learn about moving to new areas and how to establish yourself, while still not being on his own with it

RedToothBrush · 28/06/2021 11:17

He 18 not 12.

He is free to make his own decisions or to lump yours.

The fact that he plans to leave for uni in the next year doubles the point. You can't put your life on hold because he's a bit flakey and unsure about what he wants to do next.

He might be unhappy about it, but ultimately he's got to deal with it and really the ball is in his court as to how you do that - you can help him to a certain extent to see his friends but beyond that, thats how life works. Thiings move on and he is about to sooner or later anyway.

Chloemol · 28/06/2021 11:23

YANBU. Your life can’t stop because an 18 year old has decided not to go to university but take a year off. He is likely to lose that friendship group when he goes anyway.

He can always get a job for a year and rent a room somewhere where you currently are if he feels that upset, would certainly make him grow up

You have already said he can have people to stay, he can do a crash driving course so he could drive, you have offered to help out with train fares

You can’t put your life and ambitions for a better life on hold for him.