Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

269 replies

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:10

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

OP posts:
EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 28/06/2021 08:55

Oh dear your son is learning that he is now an adult and the world doesn’t revolve around him. You don’t owe it to your 18 year old to live where it’s convenient to him. He’ll adjust.

PrettyLittleFlies · 28/06/2021 08:56

First of all, congratulations on buying your house /going for your dream. 🎊

I think your son's concerns are very valid and it's great that he feels able to share them with you.

When he talks about these worries, do you point out all the positives of how does it go? I find with my teenagers that the more I listen and the less I talk/try to convince, the faster they solve their own problems.

It may be that your son will adapt quickly and that this is the hardest part for him. Or it might be that after sox months in the new place he still feels unsettles and wants to move back. No-one can be sure how it'll pan out but for now I'd be inclined to listen and assure him that you'll support his social life, driving lessons etc and encourage him to take it a month at a time. I think time can feel very long for young people and they can struggle to see the big picture. But his new set up sounds great!

Zenithbear · 28/06/2021 09:00

Well he is allowed to be upset but life is partly about learning to deal with things. I would offer sympathy but not try to make it right. You have moved for good reasons, you don't need to feel guilty or try to make amends. He made a choice not take an opportunity to go to uni this year. That's his decision. Our children were all living independently by their early 20s and we downsized. We have put their needs first for long enough, it's our time now.

PegasusReturns · 28/06/2021 09:01

The issue is you’ve moved for your quality of life not his. His is undoubtedly going to be harder until he goes away.

Personally I wouldn’t have moved an 18 year old away from friends after the 18mths we’ve just had.

It’s all very well saying he’s an adult now and can stand on his own two feet but 18 is still very young to be self sufficient and I honestly think covid and the lack of opportunities and experiences has stunted teens development.

TedImgoingmad · 28/06/2021 09:03

YANBU. He's 18 and needs to grow up a bit. I couldn't wait to get away from home at his age, many of his contemporaries will be going off and finding a life now outside the family home. New friends come with new experiences, if you don't spend your whole time being resentful and embrace the experience. Is he an independent type in general? Why did he defer uni? What are his gap year plans? What are his job prospects, either at your new location or in the current one (I thought restaurants etc are desperate to get more staff in)? What are the public transport links between where you are moving and the old town, or somewhere else he can find work or volunteer?

Lalliella · 28/06/2021 09:03

Oh gosh OP that’s really tough. I also have an 18 year old DS who is emotionally pretty immature and I can imagine he’d feel the same if we did that, he would be really unhappy. Not saying your son is like that, just imagining how mine would feel, and I don’t think I could do it to him.

I know this isn’t helpful and not what you want to here but I think young people in particular have had a really shitty 15 months. Their end of school life is not how it was supposed to be, and now as things are opening up you’re taking him away and he’ll be lonely. Is there any way you could rent for a year and move when he goes to uni?

It’s all very well the PPs saying you’re the one who pays the bills, but your DS is one of your family and as a parent you should really consider the needs of every family member. At 18 they’re often not really adults. Sorry.

Youdiditanyway · 28/06/2021 09:04

He’s an adult so if he’s desperate to stay in your current town, he can. Lots of people live independently at 18, he can get a job and find a house share. If that sounds too difficult, he’ll have to deal with the commute. He can’t dicate where you live, you’re doing the right thing.

Fairyliz · 28/06/2021 09:04

@Drivingmeupthewall

He’s going to uni anyway in a few months. Why should his social life dictate the lives of the rest of his family? No. He’s welcome to get a job and take a short term AST in his preferred town, but if not, then he needs to learn to not be so very, very selfish.
Wow that’s a bit harsh, he’s 18 weren’t we all self absorbed at that age? You could say his parents are selfish for moving because it suits them best? Just encourage him to get a job preferably somewhere where he can meet other young people.
Juststopasking · 28/06/2021 09:05

He's an adult. He's chosen to stay living with you instead of going to uni so he can suck it up. He can get a job and a houseshare if he wants to stay where you are now.

lardylegs123 · 28/06/2021 09:06

I wouldn't prioritise an 18 year old when moving home. They'll be getting on with their own life soon enough.
You could have been moving abroad, so it could be so much worse for him!

Original poster
SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 09:06

Personally I wouldn’t have moved an 18 year old away from friends after the 18mths we’ve just had.

I agree it's not ideal timing but as my post says, we have had no choice on this. Our current home will not be available to us in a month's time and we can't afford to stay around here.

I also agree that 18 is still very young (he's only just turned 18 too). He chose not to go to uni this year because he said he didn't feel ready.

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 28/06/2021 09:07

YANBU

I'd feel for him too but you can't please everyone.

PurpleyBlue · 28/06/2021 09:10

Our current home will not be available to us in a month's time and we can't afford to stay around here. have you explained this to him? It's ok for him to be upset but if you have no choice you have no choice.

SofiaMichelle · 28/06/2021 09:10

He just needs to get on with it.

You're saying it's been 'unsettling' for him and you don't want to unsettle him any more. Yes it's been shit, but he hasn't been sent across the world to fight a war or lost his limbs in an accident. He's just had to follow lockdown rules and all the other shit like everyone else.

He was going to go to university but has put it off for year. Would he have been at university close to his friends or would that have involved travel if he wanted to see them?

Don't let him lose perspective here, OP.

JackieTheFart · 28/06/2021 09:10

@Lalliella you don’t think OP has had a pretty shitty year of it, with basically being chucked out of her home so the landlord can sell?

I think she has considered his needs and feelings - but she isn’t psychic and a month before a move you can’t pull out because the teenager thinks it’ll be too hard to keep up with friends. What about OP’s friends? Job? Requirement to keep a roof over everyone‘a head?

Honestly I do think it’s fine for him to have an opinion and to air it to you @SeasideMove. But also, it is more than fair for you to counter his worries with everything you’ve said here.

Juststopasking · 28/06/2021 09:10

At 18 they’re often not really adults. Sorry

Well what is he then? What age is an adult? He's old enough to work, join the army, play the lottery, drink, drive, get a job, move out.

alwayswrighty · 28/06/2021 09:11

@SeasideMove I expect he is getting overwhelmed and the reality has just dawned on him. He'll adapt. You can't make decisions based on him now because he's soon off to start a new life.

speakout · 28/06/2021 09:12

*The issue is you’ve moved for your quality of life not his. His is undoubtedly going to be harder until he goes away.

Personally I wouldn’t have moved an 18 year old away from friends after the 18mths we’ve just had.

It’s all very well saying he’s an adult now and can stand on his own two feet but 18 is still very young to be self sufficient and I honestly think covid and the lack of opportunities and experiences has stunted teens development.*

I agree. Sorry OP but I wouldn't do this.

ChloeCrocodile · 28/06/2021 09:12

Tbh, I feel pretty sorry for him. 90 minutes is too far for most people to maintain a social life and he probably will miss out on lots of stuff. I know MN wisdom is that 18yo DC are adults and parents are no longer responsible for them, but no parent I know actually behaves like that irl.

Are there any positives for him? Better nightlife, more jobs available etc?

I can see why you moved, but I’d have waited a year to two if it were possible.

chubley · 28/06/2021 09:13

TBH even if some of his mates don't move away to Uni, they will be busy during the week working or studying, so weekends will be the thing - agree with a PP that the way ahead is to fund travel and to allow him to have mates to stay as you'll have more space in the new house.

My DS is the same age and one of his friends moved before Covid and was a bit stuck before he could drive and during lockdown but is making up for it now - constantly driving over here since he passed his driving test a couple of months ago!

AntiSocialDistancer · 28/06/2021 09:13

I would help buffer the move by offering to do a lot of driving for him, eg letting him travel in for a night out but picking him up and helping pay for driving lessons.

As you say he's missed out on necessary socialising in the pandemic but it sounds like the right time to move.

Sally872 · 28/06/2021 09:14

It is natural for Ds to be nervous about losing contact with his friends. When he moves and the reality is he can keep in touch the he will see all the positives. You are making the best decision for all if you.

thisplaceisweird · 28/06/2021 09:14

You're entitled to do whatever you want, but I can see how shit this is for DS. His whole social life, gone and that's the most important thing at his age.

wizzywig · 28/06/2021 09:16

Maybe he just wants to vent.

Bonedry · 28/06/2021 09:16

I understand you feeling bad, but you did the only thing you could do in the circumstances. My friends moved countries with their eighteen year old last summer, and he's managing.