Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

269 replies

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:10

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

OP posts:
Inthemuckheap · 29/06/2021 18:20

Congratulations OP on the move and purchase. Yep normal DS is feeling a bit shaky - bet you all are as it's a big change for you all.

It'll be fine and when your DS gets a job he'll meet lots of other people and probably look back in a year and ask himself why he was worried.

Cotswoldmama · 29/06/2021 18:22

It's hard to say yes or no to whether you're being unreasonable. You're not really but I remember my mum talking about moving to Australia when I was about 17 and I said if she did could she wait until I was at uni as there was no way I was going with her! I know Australia is far away so not comparable but at that age your friends are your life. We had moved from the South east to the south west when I was about 13, half way through year 8 and it was so hard, there was no way I wanted to ever go through it again.

a1poshpaws · 29/06/2021 18:23

Of course you're not a shit parent. My son left home at 17 to go to the other end of the UK to Uni, and managed perfectly well to stay in touch with his close friends - (they're all still close and he's 48 now!) as well as making lots of new ones.

Your son's an adult: it's time for him to start "adulting" and realise that (a) you don't have a choice to buy a decent home in the area you're being chucked out of and (b) that sometimes life sucks, and we have to develop coping stategies to deal with it.

I was married, managing a household and expecting my son at your lad's age - I find it hard to sympathise with him, to be honest!

billy1966 · 29/06/2021 18:31

Great update OP.
He's getting used to the idea and seeing the positives.

He sounds like a great lad.
Getting a job will definitely help him make friends.
Good luck

Lucyk1 · 29/06/2021 18:32

He's 18..tell him to get a place of his own if he's that unhappy.
You've done the right thing. He's being selfish over friends which one day could go off to uni, meet other friends from work, get a gf and hang out with her friends... And one day these friends will get married and never be seen again. Don't put your life on hold for the sake of your 18 year old taking a tantrum cause of friends. He can meet new friends.

SherbrookeFosterer · 29/06/2021 18:44

At 18 he should be thinking about getting his own place or moving away to university.

Stick to your guns, owning your own home now is fantastic.

Bertiebiscuit · 29/06/2021 18:44

Maybe he needs to either suck it up and deal with it or start planning his independent life - he won't live with you forever anyway, you can't put your own life on hold because of his likes and dislikes - it's your home , your mortgage so your rules

whiteroseredrose · 29/06/2021 18:45

Eighteen is a transition period anyway as people tend to move on.

My parents moved when I went to university. Much nicer area.

I did lose touch with all of my friends from school except one who moved to the same area. However I may well have lost touch anyway.

felulageller · 29/06/2021 19:03

I can see both sides of this.

Could he do a late application to uni through clearing?

That would solve the problem.

It is far away but your hand has been forced.

If DS really wants to stay he needs to get a job and a flatshare.

His friends won't travel 90m to see him, that's unrealistic.

Why are you upsizing when you are almost empty nesting though? Surely this time is an opportunity to downsize?

Frazzledstar1 · 29/06/2021 19:03

Definitely not being unreasonable, it’s sounds like all your reasons are very sensible and makes total sense. Could you maybe get him a monthly season pass for the train until he’s passed his test (if they’re not too expensive that is) that way he can go back and forth as much as he likes?

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/06/2021 19:13

He certainly should have been part of the family discussion and if he was just ‘told’ like it or lump it then yes YABU and really inconsiderate. 90 mins away is a bloody long way from his friends and with no uni for a year and after the shit year they’ve had, he needs his friends. I think it’s pretty crappy parenting since you ask.

Dnaltocs · 29/06/2021 19:38

Perhaps consider an intensive driving lesson course for your son. Some companies do concentrated training. Expensive but worth it for your sons benefit. An additional bonus will be he will, hopefully feel valued.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/06/2021 20:03

Can an 18 year old afford his ‘own place’ on a minimum wage job though?

caringcarer · 29/06/2021 20:12

Book him on intensive driving course and help him buy a car. Then you can honestly say to him you have done everything you can do to accommodate him.

linsey2581 · 29/06/2021 20:26

Aww OP it’s lovely that you have had a talk with your son. I actually think it’s great that was able to come to you in the first place to talk about his fears about the possibility of losing touch with friends etc. People are quick to say he’s an 18 year old lad he will prob move away or just tell him to man up and get on with it and so on. But the reality here is he is an 18 year old boy who is worried about the changes in his life and he has had the courage to relate his fears to someone close to him. He could have buried his head in the sand like a lot of young men do and god only knows where that would have lead to. Well done you for having a great relationship with your son.

ellyeth · 29/06/2021 21:03

You are living in a rented property and probably paying over the odds for it, with no security of tenure. Of course it makes sense to move some distance away to buy a property that has the space you need. I do have sympathy for your son but many young people have had much worse upheavals and come through it.

MollyMinniesMum · 29/06/2021 21:40

Entitled or what?? I wars living independently at his age!

Tigger1895 · 29/06/2021 21:49

Ds will be gone within a few years, you will hopefully be there well into the future.

MrsGee20 · 29/06/2021 22:00

Just been reading this, a little late to the party sorry.

You sound like a great mum, OP!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 29/06/2021 22:16

So many MNetters despise teenagers, don’t they? 18 yr olds are swanning around, mooching off their parents…

No one I know in real life hates their teenagers as much as MNetters do!

LovelyIssues · 29/06/2021 23:19

Is it out of the question for him at 18 to get a job in the current home town and get a room to rent? I moved out at 17 but understand times have changed...

aSofaNearYou · 29/06/2021 23:24

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

So many MNetters despise teenagers, don’t they? 18 yr olds are swanning around, mooching off their parents…

No one I know in real life hates their teenagers as much as MNetters do!

Very few people have said anything anywhere near as harsh as that about teenagers. The mooching argument has barely come into it.
Elfblossom · 29/06/2021 23:27

I feel really sorry for the children of the 'he's 18 now, an adult, off you go, move out' brigade.

As if a magic universe of adultness is bestowed upon each human as the 18th candle is lit ...

OP you are doing all the right things - the move is great but understandably difficult for your son, he's entitled to feel anxious about a big life change and you're right to support him as much as he needs.

Elfblossom · 29/06/2021 23:30

Shouldn't you be on GransNet with all the other 'back in my day' lot?

impossible · 30/06/2021 00:48

YANBU but I know how worrying a lonely 18 year old can be. This year my DS, 18, travelled round Latin America with a group of friends for three months, back early June. Their A levels were cancelled last summer, they were were disappointed with their grades and didn't want to go to uni during pandemic so the trip was something to aim for. My DS got a job to pay for the trip, as did his friends. They had the time of their lives.
Could your DS plan something similar with his friends, perhaps with your help? It was complicated,with endless covid tests, restrictions etc, but overall a fantastic experience (tho no doubt I have heard a sanitized version). My DS has come back purposeful and confident with shared experiences he and his friends will never forget.
I suggest this as, regardless of your house move, 18 really is a good time for your DS to move on and have new experiences. Some sort of trip would consolidate his friendships too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread