Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

[SeasideMove]

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

He'll get over it. I've just come here from the moving out thread when most posters were out the door at his age so my first thought was lol move out than.

It's hard and no easy answer. Obviously you had no choice about moving so that had to happen and money matters limit choices. I think this year is harder than it would normally be, at an age where friends and socialising are such a big thing he has had near 18 months of not being able to do much and now he's thinking he's got another 15 months or so of limited opportunities due to distance.

Offering to have friends stay is good.
Hopefully friends will do the same, if someone gives him a bed for a Friday night he can go out stay over and enjoy Saturday.
Helping with travel will be a big thing, money is the big issue again as trains aren't cheap and neither is learning to drive and running a car.

Try not to worry, it might not be as bad as you are thinking.

Tbh I actually think you're moving at a pretty good time for him!

He's not having to move schools/colleges so no stress on that front, no worries about trying to fit in. He'll be looking to get a job so he will naturally meet people there.

Also while it's a fair distance away, he's managed to maintain these friendships through the last 18 months when he's been unable to see them for a significant portion of the time anyway. So hopefully they'll all still be up for zooms or whatsapp video calls or online gaming, or whatever they have done to stay in touch the past year.

Yes, potentially he won't be able to see them during the week until he can drive, but he could always go and stay over with a friend at the weekend.

He'll find a way, it's honestly not as bad as it sounds. A 90-min train ride will be quicker in the car, and totally doable.

@PegasusReturns

No. He’s welcome to get a job and take a short term AST in his preferred town, but if not, then he needs to learn to not be so very, very selfish

@Drivingmeupthewall do you have teens? I’m always curious when I read these very harsh attitudes to young adults.

They seem to be far more prevalent on MN than anywhere else and I sometimes wonder if it’s the teen equivalent of the toddler posts where an OP complains about the child bullying her PFB who turns out to be 2 yrs old.

‘Young adults’ is correct. Not children. I don’t have teens yet, no. But my parents (whom I adore and have a great relationship with) took a similar approach to me when I was growing up. I was taught to look at the wider picture, not just myself, and when my parents wanted to move for a better quality of life (they were moving nine hours away, not 90 minutes), and I didn’t (I was also on my ‘gap year’ before uni) they explained it to me and then gave me the option of going or staying. I pondered and I stayed. I got a job, lodged with a family, saved up and got a short term AST on a flat over a lovely wine bar, where I then got a job. Then I went to uni. It taught me self sufficiency. So perhaps I have a slightly more robust approach because I went through the same thing.

My parents did this, although I was actually at uni. They moved away and my then bf was still in Surrey. I just had to make plans in advance, it'll be hard at first but once he has a job it'll be easier, and as you say, he'll be driving in the near future. you are definitely not being unfair

You went through the same thing?

Post pandemic?
When he’s had his life on hold for two years
Very difficult to get work atm

The op is right to move

The op is not wrong to be sympathetic and worried about her son, and try to think of ways to soften the blow.

18 yo nowadays seem to struggle with the concept that they are now adults and as such, although we can still help as parents, we don't have a responsibility to make their lives a priority any longer, it's now their turn to take over.

The previous generations couldn't wait to take the plunge, the new one are not I tested to do it at all, mainly because they have the best if both worlds at home.

It's a difficult stage but one to go though to become an adult. Don't let him guilt you over it. From the sound of it, he really doesn't have it too bad at all.

18 is technically an adult but in reality it's not and they need guidance for several years after.

When everything is great they are feeling very adult and will tell you that, but the minute something challenging occurs they will turn for guidance.

I feel for your son, lots of changes for him after a difficult time.
Their friends are everything.
It's unfortunate that he has deferred, though for a good reason, as he would be less focused on where he goes back to.

A job to earn as much money as possible.
Getting his license asap will be great.

I think you have made the best decision you could in very difficult circumstances.

Perfectly reasonable for you to want the security of your own home.

Of course he is going to vent with you and at you.

I find nodding agreement and being very sympathetic with lots of "I know", "I understand", "that's difficult", allows them to blow steam off and get their frustrations out.

Look at sporting groups in the new area and see if anything pops up that might be of interest.
Hopefully he will pick up a job quickly.

Good luck with your move.

Meh. Tell him to Sofa surf and turn his planned TV room into a hobby room for yourself. He'll soon appreciate a bedroom at the new house - and it should Spur him on to get a job and get driving.

He's going to uni soon. Getting your kids to the point where they can leave home. You've done that. Also the chance to buy a lovely big house like that can't be sniffedvat

Baffled that moving to a big family home when all the kids are moving out!

I absolutely think you have done the right thing. Objectively it appears to be a no brained and what’s best for you all rather than what’s best in the short term for him. With regards to 18 year olds not being self sufficient and still young - while I agree with this, how do you expect them to become resilient and self sufficient if you remove any challenges? I also don’t think the pandemic has stilted the young- if anything it hasngoven them perspective that many things are beyond their and your control and they need to manage the new situation - moving has upsides and opportunities which hopefully he will see. If you have explained your reasoning to him then I think he will adjust. It’s fine for him to be a bit sad but it sounds like you have thought about him in this move and even taking into consideration his concerns about friends, his gf is moving away, those on apprenticeships are going to be busy and be adjusting too, so he wouldn’t have had them all to hand either. It is good that he is going to have new opportunities to make a network away from them as they will be making a network away from him. I agree listening to him is key but keep your feelings on a leash as it is easy to be brought down by the catastrophising of a teenager when the reality is less bleak.

It's not ideal for him, but it's happening just when his life would have changed a lot anyway. Life where you are now, with his friends when they have jobs/apprenticeships would not be anything like school anyway. Everyone's lives will be different now.

He might be blaming you, but it's really just life. Change is never easy but it can be fun.

What are the job prospects in the new location? A job in hospitality especially associated with entertainments / the arts will open up a whole new range of people for him. And help finance a car.

It will be great experience in finding a new group of friends, which most of us do at Uni. And then spend the second year shaking off the less desirables until you 'find your tribe' and have a good circle of friends.

Let him vent a bit but mostly channel it into getting what he wants in life rather than just enjoying what life offers.

Why doesn't he want to stay in the area, getting a job and flatshare? Could you redirect the money you would give him for driving lessons and travel toward helping with the rent?

The reality is that his quality of life will be much worse, losing his friends and less jobs available, so why not encourage him to stay

Baffled that moving to a big family home when all the kids are moving out

Why? We're staying put and it's great: hobby room for me, actual guest room (or snoring refuge room) permanently set up. What's not to like?

Anticipation is often worse than reality and at 18 and off to university you need to consider your longer term needs.

The reality is you couldn't stay where you were and you couldn't buy where you were so discussions about the principle of moving are academic.

Focus on discussing with him how the practicalities will work - room for friends to stay, restarting driving, the trip to the US etc and get him to fix some actual dates with friends to stay over and go to the arty town on the bus and to visit them in return.

At this age many of his friends will also start moving around or be too busy with jobs during the week to socialise much.

I found DC time with friends gradually mutated into weekend visits more than odd nights out unless a whole bunch of them were home for the weekend together.

@Brefugee

Baffled that moving to a big family home when all the kids are moving out

Why? We're staying put and it's great: hobby room for me, actual guest room (or snoring refuge room) permanently set up. What's not to like?

Staying put, yes

They HAVE to move, the house is sold and they are tenants.

I think he is being childish thinking he gets to decide where you live - he is an adult now! If he wants to stay living at home it's on your terms not his.

I really wouldn't give this a second thought - tell him very clearly he is now an adult and free to move out if he wants but that you are making decisions for yourself.

You can't stay living near his friends just for him - he is a grown up! I find it slightly ludicrous that he would even voice these views

When I opened the post I thought you would be talkign about a 7 or 8 year old!

He will be fine. In a couple of years he will be at uni, or moved out, and you will be in your lovely home, with plenty of room for him to visit or bounce back when ever he needs to.

It sound like you are moving to someone nice, not the middle of nowhere, so he can get a job and make some friends in the area too.

Staying put, yes

But in OP's position I'd do what she's doing. I'd love a lovely big house just for me and DH

I agree with others that this has been a very tough time for kids his age - BUT - he also needs to be supported to see that he now is CHOOSING where he lives - so, he can CHOOSE to live with you or choose to get a job in a supermarket and find a very cheap room in his old town if he wants - with your nice big house to come back to for visits.

I think if you are near somewhere interesting and arty he will be happy soon enough.

The issue isn’t the house move, it’s the fact that he is taking a year out, his girlfriend is moving away and he seems to just be relying on chilling with old school friends for entertainment. When he’s 18, he should be out doing something, starting a course, working, doing things that means he’ll be too busy to see school friends more than at the weekend anyway.

Sounds like it is good for him to have a bit of a kick up the bum and encouragement to do something with the year, unless it’s too late for him to go to uni?

I feel for your son as the teenagers have had a very difficult last two years and this is another upheaval.
I know you deserve to be happy too and he will be moving on one day but even with a car 90 mins is an hour and half away from his friends so quite along drive for him on a regular basis! I wouldn't be kern on a new qualified teenage boy driving 90mins.
I think the timing isn't great and I know a lot of people on here say you've got to live your life but I can empathise with how your son feels.
He feels like oh he's 18 and you were thinking he will be on his way so probably feeling abit left out and not consulted. Lots of people on here have said he's an adult but he is still young, and a lot of young people can't afford their own place for a long time these days. Did you discuss it fully with him at the time?
Mental health is also important for teens at the moment with everything that has gone on.
I really feel for your son as it does seem a little like oh he's off to uni so we will get on with what we are doing. It's a shame as he will have memories of upheaval.
I hope it does work out for you though and he is happy there.

Ps some people on this thread said negative things about way your son feeling.
I think it's good that he has opened up about that as he is obviously anxious and feeling abit worried.

@Brefugee

Staying put, yes

But in OP's position I'd do what she's doing. I'd love a lovely big house just for me and DH

In a big house - yes totally stay But to move to a big family home at precise point when all children will have moved out or very shortly moved out….

Well, that’s why I’m baffled!