Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

[SeasideMove]

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

What does he think you should have done? You couldn't have stayed where you were anyway. Nor could you have bought a decent-sized house in your current location. The decision was to some extent taken out of your hands and you're making the best of it.

I imagine he's feeling unsettled and things will improve once you've made the move and he has a chance to appreciate the advantages and realises it is not the end of the world.

So hes ging to go travelling off to see his df and work in america-whats the problem he wont even be there

sounds like a teenage strop but he'll get over it

OP, YANBU - you need to live your life for what you and DH need to do, not be ruled by an 18yo who will be gone in a couple of years anyway.

It is good that he has expressed his fears, and you can now help him to deal with them, as you say, get friends to stay over, give him money towards travel costs etc.

He is an adult now, and needs to learn how to deal with change and make the best of it.

I wouldn’t be making any life plans according to potential choices of someone else, i.e. your DS’s friends. For example, my DD stated like many other children than she wants to go to a local school “with all her friends”. If I listened to that, she would be the only one going to that school because everyone in her group have made their own plans. Two of families are moving away, one’s going private and another lives to far for that school. I told my DD we have to make plans that work best for our family, not for other people. The house buying process is a long one, did your DS know about your move before declining uni?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but delaying uni looks like a bad decision. Life was on hold for long enough and now your DS is prolonging that!

Honestly I think your biggest worry is that one of his friends who are doing an apprenticeship/getting a job/hanging around in your current hometown will find space for him to stay and he'll essentially move in with the other family and doss around for a year/potentially not go to uni. Obviously you will know how likely that is!

Realistically he's probably just really sad about his girlfriend going away and some friends leaving, others starting jobs etc and school ending (the social side not the work side!). I remember feeling much the same and I had a plan and wasn't moving! On the plus side 90 minutes isn't THAT much (if he can do it by train he can probably just nap the whole way) and he has room for friends to stay/he can go in for the weekends etc.

If the place you're moving to is nice for a day trip it probably has cafes/pubs/attractions that will need summer staff and it's the perfect time to look for a job (they'll all probably be filled in a couple of weeks when school/college is out) so maybe try to put his energy into finding a job in the new place. Then when you move it'll actually make his life/commute easier. Is there one thing that he enjoys/would like that you can't have in the current place but could in the new? E.g. weights machine/something exercisey? That could be a good bribe. Other than that just plenty of hugs, help with the travelling and try to get him to make a plan for his own future so he doesn't feel directionless and left behind.

I get why you have made this decision, your rental house was being sold and you needed to move anyway. It's a tricky one since had he being going to uni he would also be in a new place and making new friends. I must admit I view the age he is I would prefer he is going out and exploring socialising/drinking with friends he has known a long time as I would think they would look after him better than new friends would. This travel will mean its more likely he goes and stays with his friends during the weekend so you will be less aware of what he's up to. But really its just awkward timing since he seems to be going to uni in 12 months - you couldn't be expected to rent in the current area for the few times he will be back to visit.

My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

Realistically, no he wont, it will change things for him. But he is old enough to be leaving home, going to university, making new friends anyway. If he isn't going away to university then he can find a job and accomodation in his old area if he wants to. Of course these big changes are is scary for him and your move means that he has less control over when all the changes happen, but you haven't done anything wrong!

Look it sounds like your DS has difficulty coping with change. The reason he didn't want to go to Uni this year is because he is frightened of the changes that would bring. This fear of change will be expressed in this new house buy. Some people are very strongly attached to their location and the familiar anchors that physical things like furniture provides.
As a teenager the friend group is more 'important' than family to the teenager. The friends group is another 'family' they belong to. Identifying with their own age group is very important to them.
Try to explain it to him from your point of view.
You had to take steps to buy a house. As the mother you are tasked with making the best responsible decision for the whole family.

Is there a Stepdad/Partner in the picture? Does your DS feel that you are being controlled by someone else?
As the other person said, does he feel like he 'doesn't matter' that much anymore?
I understand completely how you feel because teenagers don't say anything, then they just blurt it all out when it's too bloody late!

You're buying a lovely big empty nest far away just as your chick is getting ready (but not quite ready) to fly. It's awkward timing for sure.
But the housing market is what it is and you need to make the best long term decisions for you.

His plans will notput you first.
He is typical teen......it's all about themselves and blaming you!
As he matures he will see that you are doing the best option.
As others say...he can stay connected to his friends and even move back there.
`The cheek part is that he expects you to wait until he goes off travelling or to Uni

Is there one thing that he enjoys/would like that you can't have in the current place but could in the new? E.g. weights machine/something exercisey? That could be a good bribe.

I mean I get what you're saying but as an adult he is getting two dedicated rooms in the new house. It would be incredibly spoilt to expect a bribe on top of that, it's already a very good deal materially.

Is there a Stepdad/Partner in the picture? Does your DS feel that you are being controlled by someone else?

DH and I have been together since ds was 7. Ds and DH are close; I would describe their relationship as excellent. DH is a very steady presence in ds's life. Unfortunately ds's father isn't, and now lives overseas, but that is a whole other story into which neither ds or I have had any input!

But yes I agree that he doesn't like change very much. However, change happens, is often extremely positive, and he does need to learn to cope with it.

I feel for you OP. We’ve just bought a house 20 miles away and we move on Saturday. My daughter is 22 and coming with us. I’ve had so many wobbles and tears as she had a shit final uni year and she is very close to her local friends-we’re moving just as more things are opening up. She’s had a few tears too. However she does say it’s fine, it’s time to move on and we agreed to insure her on her stepdad’s car so she can drive back-having lots of practice this week. But I do so want her to be happy so have given her the 2nd room choice and how it’s decorated, might even get her a little car for herself. She does say that she and her friends won’t be in the same town for ever and she’ll be ok. Maybe now the reality is hitting him, he’s having some wobbles. I would listen to him seriously, don’t say anything like how unreasonable he is etc and ask what you can do to make it work for him. Driving lessons or help with train fares would be appreciated by him do you think?

change happens, is often extremely positive, and he does need to learn to cope with it.

Then I would say, don't try too hard to "fix" it for him or to reassure him that it will all be fine. He doesn't feel fine about it yet and you can't fix that for him. He probably will miss his old friends, and making new friends is scary. He can't feel better until after it has happened! The more you try to make him feel better about it right now, the more worried he may feel that he wont cope by himself. But you can still reassure him that even if the timing is not ideal and he might feel sad about moving away from his friends, you didn't have much choice about it and that you will all get through it together.

With his friends working and him possibly working I think the reality of seeing them often will be different from what he expects. He can always go see them at weekends, they come to him as you said. Plus time to see his gf. So I don't think it will make much difference to amount of time being able to see them. Maybe looking into a young person railcard that offers a good discount on cost of train travel?

Sounds as though he will be busy this year and once he is at Uni his priority is unlikely to be visiting his old mates all holiday.

I dont think it was a very good idea to take him away from all his friends at his age. You should have got a different rental in the area till he leaves home.

I just want to say that I think its really good that he has told you how he is feeling. I can see why he would rather not move, but as he gets older he will be doing what's best for him and not really thinking too much about what suits you. He'll get over it.

@Viviennemary

I dont think it was a very good idea to take him away from all his friends at his age. You should have got a different rental in the area till he leaves home.

And what if he doesn't leave home until he's 25? And I'll be 55 then, having wasted another 7 years on rent and pretty much ineligble for a mortgage?

Plenty of kids don't leave home until much later these days. Getting another rental 'until he leaves home' would be a huge gamble for us!

I just thought the move could have been postponed for a year if he is likely to be leaving home Obviously I wouldn't suggest staying for years waiting for him to leave. But needs must. We don't live in an ideal world.

@Viviennemary

I dont think it was a very good idea to take him away from all his friends at his age. You should have got a different rental in the area till he leaves home.

Don't be ridiculous, he can rent by his friends himself if he wants.

I missed the bit where he is having a year off. Then you are doing the right thing as that was his choice. Sorry.

@Viviennemary

I dont think it was a very good idea to take him away from all his friends at his age. You should have got a different rental in the area till he leaves home.

Rent when you can buy? That's not like you is it?

Don't feel guilty!he has his whole life ahead of him to do what he wants.
You've cared for him for 18 years,he is considered an adult by law and so he can stay near his friends or grow up a bit and look forward to making new friends and enjoying a bigger home with a garden he can invite friends round to for bbqs,music nights,whatever.
Sometimes we can get stuck in a rut and be lazy with it,a change can bring a while now prospective to everything.
Enjoy your lovely new home and please don't feel bad about it,he would have been leaving his mates for uni anyway.🌈

I probably should have given the extra context in my OP that I am a geriatric first-time-buyer as well, so every extra year in rental really counts and not in a good way!