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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

269 replies

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:10

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

OP posts:

LaLaLand888 · 30/06/2021 01:02

Well it's probably given him a bit of a reality check although I do feel for him. He really should be moving on at the age of 18, he was probably visualising a lot of time spent with mates etc. but that's not how life works. His girlfriend and his mates will move on as well anyway, there's no do over when it comes to school.

Mumkins42 · 30/06/2021 06:32

My immediate response was oh poor ds. This is so hard at that age. But then I thought, he is 18, driving at that age and staying on mates sofas is the norm and part of the fun! I think sympathising with him is the right thing. But, you actually haven't had much choice in it.
You may have said this, but I would explain that the choice wasn't really much of a choice for you guys. You're in rented, unstable accomodation and could in reality be turfed out at any time, you need space.Your son is 18 and free to now move anywhere and it isn't fair for the whole family to accomodate for just one.
So in summary, yes this is quite hard for him and I get it. I had to move alot and in teenage years it's pretty tough. I happily drove to mates at his age though. Yanbu

PegasusReturns · 30/06/2021 07:45

And yes, that he's old enough to understand something of his parents' circumstances

But his mothers “circumstances” are basically she wants to live in a 4 bed by the sea so that’s what she’s going to do.

aSofaNearYou · 30/06/2021 08:00

@PegasusReturns

And yes, that he's old enough to understand something of his parents' circumstances

But his mothers “circumstances” are basically she wants to live in a 4 bed by the sea so that’s what she’s going to do.

His mothers circumstances are her tenancy has run out and she doesn't want to rent or buy a cramped two bed in a rough area in order to keep him near his friends for a few months, to then have to move again when he very imminently goes travelling or to uni. Honestly, with summaries like the one above, it really seems like a lot of the posters on here need the same lesson in maturity as the 18 year old! Bitterly saying "well you CAN afford to make that really ridiculous short term decision so as not to inconvenience me, you just don't WANT to".

Well, yeah. That is perfectly reasonable.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/06/2021 08:31

I do have some sympathy for your ds. My folks moved 100 miles away shortly before the end of my first year at uni.

That summer was the worst of my entire life - I knew not a soul, and it was well before internet/smartphones, so it was almost impossible to keep in touch with former friends. And in order to have any cash I had to get a summer job, which was also the worst ever - washing up in the kitchen of a dept. store restaurant. For less money than I’d earned the previous summer on a supermarket checkout.

However the move had been necessary for my DF’s job, so I just had to suck it up, and the miserable summer was soon over.

It would have been a lot easier now, with smartphones and social media.
If your dds is going to uni in September, he will very likely make a new group of friends anyway. Please tell him - from one who has the T shirt! - that it really won’t be the end of the world.

threatmatrix · 30/06/2021 09:47

Tell him to man up.

Localocal · 30/06/2021 13:37

I'm sorry to make you feel worse, but I think you have put what matters most to you and your DP over what matters most to your DS.

For an 18 year old, nothing matters more than his friendship group - and he will certainly be cut off from them. Access to a car in six months time is no subsitute for being able to hop on a local bus and be in the park with your friends in 10 minutes. His friends will not make plans in advance so he can fit in with them. They are teenagers.
They will suddenly decide to do something, or to do something else, and he will be left out and eventually drift out of that group. He will not make friends at a temporary part-time job. No one does. He doesn't care one bit about the size of his bedroom or garden, and his personal sitting room will just be a place for him to sit alone.

You and your DP will love having a nice detached house, because you are grownups and that matters to you. And if you have younger children they will make new friends at school. But this is a very bad time to be uprooting your 18 year old.

If it's too late to change your mind about the move, then the best thing he could do is forgo his gap year and go straight to uni where he can make new friends.

Fistful · 30/06/2021 13:44

I'm sorry to make you feel worse, but I think you have put what matters most to you and your DP over what matters most to your DS.

Yes, and I think that's entirely appropriate for parents to prioritise their own wishes above those of a young adult who will be leaving home within the year, in any case, and whose friendship group is likely to be scattered in the near future.

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 30/06/2021 16:06

I agree with @Localocal

Get him into uni

Drifting for a year (gap year whilst cut off from friends and not much in terms of a plan, due to covid I guess) not a good idea

Bibidy · 30/06/2021 17:11

@Fistful

I'm sorry to make you feel worse, but I think you have put what matters most to you and your DP over what matters most to your DS.

Agree completely!!!

How are people genuinely expecting OP to stay put and find any old tiny property in their local area purely so a teenage boy can continue his social life with no added effort???..........I am amazed.

Honestly sometimes on here I wonder how people cope, children's wishes are not always the most important consideration. OP has to leave her current home and she cannot afford a decent-sized home in their area. That is the key thing, not an 18 year old's moaning!

Tbh he has options still! In this scenario, in his shoes, I'd probably reconsider taking that year off uni and start this year instead.

gottogonow · 30/06/2021 18:35

It sounds like a very logical, thought out move and will only make more sense as time goes by. Everyone gets nervous about change, good or bad. He may end up nearer to his old friends universities. Much better to do it that way round than move somewhere that’s right for now and then you all outgrow it very quickly. Set up something on the calendar for soon after you move in when he has a get together, and a job will be great for acclimatising to the area and making contacts. Good luck!

Blackcat333 · 30/06/2021 19:14

It sounds like your son should be showing his mates around his new town so they all travel to see him! 😁 TBH he is an adult so should have left home by now anyway lol 😂 😉

LowlandLucky · 30/06/2021 19:16

At 18 i was married, had a baby and lived in a different country to my parents and the rest of my family. Your Son needs a reality check.

aSofaNearYou · 30/06/2021 19:21

Agree completely!!! How are people genuinely expecting OP to stay put and find any old tiny property in their local area purely so a teenage boy can continue his social life with no added effort???..........I am amazed. Honestly sometimes on here I wonder how people cope, children's wishes are not always the most important consideration. OP has to leave her current home and she cannot afford a decent-sized home in their area. That is the key thing, not an 18 year old's moaning! Tbh he has options still! In this scenario, in his shoes, I'd probably reconsider taking that year off uni and start this year instead.

So glad I'm not the only one! I've been reading this thread on and off for days seeing person after person saying "admit it, you COULD do that, you just don't WANT to", as though living in a dingy two bed for a year just so your 18 year old's can be close to his mates that will all naturally be scattering in the next 1-2 years is what any normal person would do. I think it's an insane idea!

Scaredycatmoo76 · 30/06/2021 19:21

@LowlandLucky

At 18 i was married, had a baby and lived in a different country to my parents and the rest of my family. Your Son needs a reality check.

I was waiting for

“And working down a coal mine”

Let me guess? Feed your entire family on a brussel sprout for the week?

Scaredycatmoo76 · 30/06/2021 19:22

And manage to make 7 nutritional and varied meals from that one sprout

PrettyLittleFlies · 30/06/2021 22:31

@LowlandLucky
At 18 I had my own house and car in another country thanks to an incredible and very early start in broadcasting. However! That is unusual. And it also wasn't actually that good for me, I was young and vulnerable and could have done with a bit more parenting.

I'm really glad my teens want to keep living with family, I encourage it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/07/2021 21:04

@LowlandLucky

At 18 i was married, had a baby and lived in a different country to my parents and the rest of my family. Your Son needs a reality check.

I think anyone who implies that to be married with a baby at 18 is somehow doing better at growing up than an 18 year old whose unmarried without a baby - they're the one who needs a reality check in my opinion.

ellyeth · 12/07/2021 17:03

Well what about - when I was 17 I got myself a full time job and paid a reasonable amount for my keep in the family home. Is that acceptable?

What LowlandLucky was trying to demonstrate is that many people have responsibilities such as work or children at the age of 18. It isn't unreasonable for the OP to want to buy a reasonably sized property at a price she can afford. Rented housing is insecure, expensive and sometimes badly maintained. How many of the people criticising the OP are in the same position as her - renting their homes and paying over the odds? And would they turn down the chance of buying their own home simply because one of their offspring was unhappy about the move?

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