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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds unhappy about house move - am I a shit parent?

269 replies

SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 08:10

We are moving house next month and last night DS (18) said he was really unhappy about it and didn't want to go.

We're moving about 90 mins drive from our current home. At the moment we rent and we are priced out of buying in the area. We have been able to buy a 4-bed detached property with a garden for the price of a flat or a 2-bed terrace in our current location. DS will have a bedroom (obvs) but also another tv / computer / music room to himself.

DS has seen the house, likes the town and the nearby area etc but is saying that he will be cut off from his friends etc - his main group of friends are now a 90-min train ride away, he is worried about the cost of travel etc. He doesn't yet drive (lessons stopped during pandemic) but will start again and will have use of a car in 6 months or so. He feels as if he won't make friends / connections in the new place, is worried about getting a PT job etc. My argument is that he will still be able to see his friends regularly etc but it will just take a bit more organisation!

He was originally going to go to university this Sept, but decided to take a year out. Like most kids his age, the last year has been pretty shit and unsettling, and I suppose I feel guilty that this is unsettling him even more.

He has said it feels as if we just thought 'oh ds is off to uni, we can just move wherever we like' - which isn't exactly the case! For one thing the timing of the move was not in our control as the house we are in is being sold. However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

I've tried to reassure him that I will help with train fares / car etc, that he'll find a job and make friends/connections, but he is really low, worried about losing his friendship group, and I feel crap about it. This is a huge change for everyone (we're all moving away from friends and family, after all!) but I suppose DH and I are excited about it and thinking of all the positives, and maybe we should have considered DS more? I feel like a shit parent and have been awake half the night worrying about it. But equally, this is our life too, isn't it?

So, I guess AIBU to move my teenage DS away from his mates and his familiar surroundings for the sake of our quality of life?

OP posts:
everybodysang · 28/06/2021 09:17

I can see why he's a bit upset - that's totally reasonable - but he IS an adult. Building resilience is a really, really good idea and this will help with that. He's not a baby.

Zzelda · 28/06/2021 09:17

@speakout

*The issue is you’ve moved for your quality of life not his. His is undoubtedly going to be harder until he goes away.

Personally I wouldn’t have moved an 18 year old away from friends after the 18mths we’ve just had.

It’s all very well saying he’s an adult now and can stand on his own two feet but 18 is still very young to be self sufficient and I honestly think covid and the lack of opportunities and experiences has stunted teens development.*

I agree. Sorry OP but I wouldn't do this.

But OP didn't move for quality of life. She has no choice other than to move because they are renting and the house is being sold.

Thousands of 18 year olds move away from home to go to university, training, work etc and have to be self-sufficient. OP's son isn't even being asked to be self-sufficient, he's only being asked to move 90 minutes away to a house where he will have two rooms to himself. It's hardly the most dreadful hardship, is it?

TatianaBis · 28/06/2021 09:18

Can he negotiate with uni to start this September? If went off to uni asap he’d be meeting lots of new people, would take his mind off his mates.

Bonedry · 28/06/2021 09:18

@thisplaceisweird

You're entitled to do whatever you want, but I can see how shit this is for DS. His whole social life, gone and that's the most important thing at his age.
But he would normally be going away to university this year anyway, which would have meant a big shake-up in his social life, anyway. And he doesn't have to move with his parents. The same grotty houseshare and other such living arrangements are available to him as they are to any other young adult.
Zzelda · 28/06/2021 09:18

@thisplaceisweird

You're entitled to do whatever you want, but I can see how shit this is for DS. His whole social life, gone and that's the most important thing at his age.
But it hasn't. It will be more difficult, and he may not be able to see as much of his friends as previously, but I suspect a number of them will be less available anyway as they will be working or going to college or university.
DeathByWalkies · 28/06/2021 09:19

I can completely understand why you've moved - and all your reasons are very sensible.

I can also completely understand why your DS is feeling as he is. He's been unable to see his mates for much of covid, and now things are starting to return to normal the rug is being pulled out from under him.

Reality is he would normally have been moving away this September anyway, away from all his mates. Now it'll be next September, but this was always going to happen to some extent.

I'd help with the cost of driving lessons (and train fares until he can get a test slot - tricky at the moment). Jobs aren't hugely difficult to come by at the moment - the hospitality sector is crying out for staff at the moment. He can always go and live in a houseshare for a year if he likes, or he can live with you and save money (I'd sit down with him and work out what his outgoings will be first though, so he can make an informed decision).

thisplaceisweird · 28/06/2021 09:20

OP already said most of them are staying around.

18 year old boys don't make plans. They send a text 15 mins before they drag themselves out of bed and meet up. It's ad hoc and casual. Ops son will be missed out of things, being 90 mins away. That's just the truth

Original poster
SeasideMove · 28/06/2021 09:20

His whole social life, gone and that's the most important thing at his age.

His gf is the person he spends most time with and she's off to uni this Sept, up north and several hours away.

I will get him driving asap though so he can see his other mates (although tbh if he gets the bus to them rather than gets a lift from me, it takes him an hour+ at the moment anyway!)

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 28/06/2021 09:23

It is hard for him but as you say you didn’t have much choice.

We moved last year - 3 hours from our previous area. DS was at uni but has been home since December.

I was worried we were taking him away from friends but he wasn’t really bothered. He was 19 at the time and had done a gap year of not very much as COVID hit. He has had a friend come to stay and he went back this weekend for a night. He does drive so that makes it easier.

With your DS I’d say he needs to prioritise the driving if he can. That will give him some freedom. Maybe buy some blow up beds so he can have friends come to stay.

Mistyplanet · 28/06/2021 09:24

Unfortunately life isn't always going to be perfect and your DS needs to learn to be adaptable. He can make new friends. How about you spend some days out in the new area you are living in. See the town and get him to imagine some new possibilities. Either he can get a job there and make friends or get a job in your old area and rent himself. Hes going to have to find out himself how he can make things work for him (with some guidance from you) but at the end of the day hes still got free accomodation with you and support and thats really all he can expect. He doesnt get to dictate what you do as a family. This could be a great new start for him it depends how he looks at it. I do remember being 18 however and i felt like my best friend and boyfriend at the time were everything that mattered! Obviously it wasnt and i would have been better focusing on furthering myself but its difficult to see that at that age. Hopefully he will settle in your new place after a few months.

mam0918 · 28/06/2021 09:25

Hes 18, an adult... if he wants to stay with friends he can or he can leave and go to university like planned.

If this was say a 12/13 year then I get the point more about him being cut of from friends at an important developemental milestone (being dropped into a new school etc... can be hard) but not at 18 when he is capable of going and doing as he likes.

He doesnt get to mooch off you and complain about his easy ride having a mild pothole its seriously first world problems, its time to put his big boy pants on.

ChicChaos · 28/06/2021 09:27

I can also see the DS's point of view here, that is a long way from his friends and I think it's really unlikely that they will come and visit him. He's not in school or Uni at the moment so has no easy way of meeting people. You say you want a 'fresh start' OP, but he doesn't and his feelings are understandable.

Scaredycatmoo76 · 28/06/2021 09:28

Tricky situation
I feel for you both

I would sweeten the blow by making a very sizeable contribution to driving lessons and a second hand car

aliloandabanana · 28/06/2021 09:31

Don't feel bad about it. Your son has chosen to delay uni and make plans for next summer - what is he planning to do in the meantime? He seems to be putting his life on hold himself to some extent, which makes the move seem more of an issue. If he was off to uni in September you wouldn't be worrying like this - he can look for a job in the new area and will meet new people that way.

If his friends are off to uni this year then it's highly likely they won't be wanting to meet up regularly anyway.

Eviethyme · 28/06/2021 09:33

T be honest. He's an adult now and you need to think about your own wants and needs. He's going to be swanning off soon anyway so it shouldn't really matter where you live. He's lucky your moving to a house where he can come back to, a lot of people would be downsizing to get it even cheaper or nicer so he should be grateful really.

aliloandabanana · 28/06/2021 09:33

I missed the post about his friends doing apprenticeships etc - it's likely they'll all be moving on and drifting apart anyway if they're doing different things, particularly once he's at uni next year.

Bibidy · 28/06/2021 09:34

90 mins on the train though - how long will the journey be when he can drive? Also hopefully some of his friends drive so can come visit.

I agree it's not ideal but as you've said, you had no real choice. No point in you buying a tiny 2-bed just for him to move out in a few years' time anyway.

At least he's not having to join a new school or college, and he'd be in the same boat starting a new job without friends even in your old area. He should look for something where there are lots of other young people - theme park, bar, retail etc - and he will make friends locally that way. And his wages will give him the freedom to be able to see all of his friends in your old area once he's able to drive.

PegasusReturns · 28/06/2021 09:37

No. He’s welcome to get a job and take a short term AST in his preferred town, but if not, then he needs to learn to not be so very, very selfish

@Drivingmeupthewall do you have teens? I’m always curious when I read these very harsh attitudes to young adults.

They seem to be far more prevalent on MN than anywhere else and I sometimes wonder if it’s the teen equivalent of the toddler posts where an OP complains about the child bullying her PFB who turns out to be 2 yrs old.

Scaredycatmoo76 · 28/06/2021 09:38

@PegasusReturns

Ditto.
They are so black and white
They either don’t have teens
Or they don’t have very positive relationships with their teens

Bibidy · 28/06/2021 09:38

At the end of the day, kids rarely ever want to move house if it means moving away from their school/college/friends, which is the natural point of view for them to have.

However, they don't have the full context and it's easy for people of their age to only look at that. The reality is that you really had little choice. You couldn't stay in your old house and you can't afford to stay in the area. There isn't another option.

LindaEllen · 28/06/2021 09:43

This might sound harsh, but he's 18, he's an adult, if he doesn't want to move with you he can stay where he is, get a job and rent somewhere closer to his friends.

He doesn't get to dictate where he lives for free.

HoppingPavlova · 28/06/2021 09:45

You’ve not done anything wrong, sounds like the right choice given the circumstance of your rental going and you not being able to secure another one short term (12mths) in that area.

I think you do need to be realistic how you put it forward though as while for you there are many silver linings, for him there are pretty much none. And that’s okay as it is what it is. The reality is 90 mins is pretty impossible for people his age to keep up tight friendships and it’s more than likely these will drop off. 90mins each way is too far to maintain friendships at this age and I’d be worried about sending an inexperienced new license holder off on frequent trips that length. His friends won’t want to make the trip back to yours, so a big bedroom and computer room is hardly much of a carrot if his friends are not over. At least acknowledge this rather than trying to say it will be something it’s not. The best thing would be for him to get a local job asap in new location in a place that employs mainly people his own age so he can start making friends and new connections locally in an organic way. Without that he’s pretty stuffed but that’s down to him and if he wants friendships, people to hang out with in his new ‘pad’ that’s what he’s going to have to do. May as well be honest with him about it all though.

randomlyLostInWales · 28/06/2021 09:47

However if I'm honest we did take advantage of the relative freedom of not having to worry about schools etc - is that wrong?

No we'll probably end up doing that.

I'd play up the positives and go over the reasons for the move like can't stay where you are - and hope when he finds work he settles - things will be changing with his friends anyway and maybe your just getting some of his anxiety about that.

Time wise is not ideal for him but life happens like that so I'd keep focused on the positives for him and wait it out.

newnortherner111 · 28/06/2021 09:47

Move, help with him being able to visit friends.

5zeds · 28/06/2021 09:48

So he could cancel the year out, go to Uni, make new friends and do camp America next summer……or he could arse about making his parents fresh start horrible and then go off and start Uni etc. At eighteen he should be thinking about you not exclusively his own experience. Does he really expect you to move locally so he can hang out with his mates for a year before swanning off for his life at Uni?Shock. Time the eighteen year old started behaving like an adult.