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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wishing for more- am I ungrateful?

198 replies

ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 15:33

Background: Been with my fiance for 8 years, live together. He's not currently working so I'm paying the mortgage and bills. He has a little passive income, to cover his phone and a bit of fun money.

It was my birthday this week. I told him a while ago that I wasn't expecting a big gift, but that I would really like him to organise dinner for when I got home from work. I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it. When I ordered our shopping delivery last week, I reminded him and asked if he wanted to add anything to the order, but he said he would sort it himself.

When I got home, he handed me a card he'd printed out and put into one of the envelopes from a Moonpig card from my aunt, which had details of tickets to go and see a comedian that I think is okay, but he absolutely loves. I was a bit surprised and said that he didn't need to buy me anything like that, because money is tight for him right now, but it was a nice thing to look forward to for next year.

I then asked what the plan was for dinner, and he just shrugged and asked what I wanted, then looked a bit shifty when I said I'd asked him to make something for us. He said that he'd got me the tickets instead. I ended up ordering a takeaway.

AIBU for feeling a bit unloved and wishing he could have just made a tiny bit of effort? Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
Countrylane · 26/06/2021 15:35

He basically got himself a present. What a tit.

Derrymum123 · 26/06/2021 15:36

Return the favour when it's his birthday.

WhenSheWasBad · 26/06/2021 15:36

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

YANBU at all (and I am generally couldn’t give a stuff about birthdays)

Angrycat2768 · 26/06/2021 15:37

Sounds like hes used your birthday as an excuse to buy a present for himself, then forgot about you completely until the last minute. Is this a one off?

Returnoftheowl · 26/06/2021 15:37

So here's basically bought himself a present and dressed it up as a gift for you?

I'd be upset.

Rqoki · 26/06/2021 15:39

He bought himself a present, he's a knob.

LadyCatStark · 26/06/2021 15:39

Wait, he doesn’t work but you cook him dinner every night??

Xmassprout · 26/06/2021 15:39

Totally agree with the others, that wasn't a gift for you. It was a perfect excuse for him to be able to buy himself something and pretend it's for you. On top of that he didn't sort some food out for you, I would be mightily pissed off

UhtredRagnarson · 26/06/2021 15:40

Is return the tickets and buy something I wanted.

Fairyliz · 26/06/2021 15:41

So he’s not working but you are still doing all of the cooking???
Surely if he’s not working he should cook every day and do all of the housework.
I think I would be looking for a new fiancé for my next birthday.

Tempusfudgeit · 26/06/2021 15:44

Fiance for 8 years, doesn't contribute to the mortgage or bills, doesn't make an effort, doesn't cook and (I presume) does no housework?

Why don't you think you deserve more from life?

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 26/06/2021 15:46

He doesn't work but you have to cook every night.

You do the food shopping so bare that responsibility as well.

He couldn't be arsed planning a meal that after all you were going to pay for the ingredients for.

You had to but takeaway for yourself and him.

He bought himself a gift thinly disguised as one for you.

You pay the mortgage and bills.

It's not looking good when listed like this!

ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 15:47

Wow, fast responses!

Me cooking every night is just the routine we're in from when he was working. I cook, he does the washing up. He's not very comfortable cooking and I'm generally better at it. But, as I'm sure you all know, sometimes it's nice to not even have to think about it for once.

OP posts:
ChipsAndKetchup · 26/06/2021 15:48

What a cunt.

PercyPiginaWig · 26/06/2021 15:48

I'd buy him a suitcase as an early birthday present and help him pack it!

Leshan · 26/06/2021 15:49

Cocklodger.
That is all.
Good luck.

PercyPiginaWig · 26/06/2021 15:50

WTF he's not comfortable cooking. He could learn but honestly let someone else waste their time on him.
Maybe look up sunk(en)? costs fallacy before wasting more of your life with this inept, thoughtless waster.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/06/2021 15:51

How long has he not been working for?

Billybagpuss · 26/06/2021 15:51

He’s not comfortable at it, because he never practices. If you left he’d either have to learn or survive on crap.

Palavah · 26/06/2021 15:53

Is there a particular reason you've been engaged for 8 years? Do you have kids?

Livebythecoast · 26/06/2021 15:53

I'm not sure who has voted YABU, his friends/family possibly?!

He doesn't work, doesn't contribute financially and doesn't cook (or do much else by the sounds of it). I would feel incredibly resentful if that was me unless there's a massive drip feed coming..... You deserve so much more Flowers

Sparklesocks · 26/06/2021 15:53

It makes no sense that he doesn’t do the cooking! He’s not working, you are. It’s a way he can contribute to the household. And the excuses about lack of confidence mean jack shit - especially when he’s got all this free time to learn and get better!! He’s taking the piss. He gets all his bills taken care of and dinner cooked for him. A very charmed life!

Juststopasking · 26/06/2021 15:53

Wow he's got you right where he wants you, paying for everything and yet he can't be arsed to put dinner on the table. Lazy fucker.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2021 15:54

He’s got the entire day, 5 days a week, to get comfy cooking. Is he doing all of the housework?

This is one of those frequent threads where the birthday was a let down but it’s made you realise it’s just a symptom of much wider issues.

Is he job hunting, properly? How long has he been out of work? Do you jointly own the house? How long have you been engaged and why aren’t you married?

He’s selfish, lazy, thoughtless. How long can that carry on before you realise the attraction is gone and he’s a weight around your neck?

Wrotten · 26/06/2021 15:56

I'd return the tickets or make a point of going with a friend. But, the gift really isn't the biggest issue here...

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