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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wishing for more- am I ungrateful?

198 replies

ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 15:33

Background: Been with my fiance for 8 years, live together. He's not currently working so I'm paying the mortgage and bills. He has a little passive income, to cover his phone and a bit of fun money.

It was my birthday this week. I told him a while ago that I wasn't expecting a big gift, but that I would really like him to organise dinner for when I got home from work. I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it. When I ordered our shopping delivery last week, I reminded him and asked if he wanted to add anything to the order, but he said he would sort it himself.

When I got home, he handed me a card he'd printed out and put into one of the envelopes from a Moonpig card from my aunt, which had details of tickets to go and see a comedian that I think is okay, but he absolutely loves. I was a bit surprised and said that he didn't need to buy me anything like that, because money is tight for him right now, but it was a nice thing to look forward to for next year.

I then asked what the plan was for dinner, and he just shrugged and asked what I wanted, then looked a bit shifty when I said I'd asked him to make something for us. He said that he'd got me the tickets instead. I ended up ordering a takeaway.

AIBU for feeling a bit unloved and wishing he could have just made a tiny bit of effort? Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
HeartZone · 26/06/2021 15:57

I'd buy him a suitcase as an early birthday present and help him pack it!

This without hesitation

Original poster
ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 15:57

I agree, @Billybagpuss- he just doesn't do it enough. He lived off ready meals before we moved in together. He's one of those 'food is fuel' types, whereas I like cooking, trying new recipes, see it as a treat etc.

He's not been working for around 6 months, due to stress and depression from illness and subsequent death of a family member.

OP posts:
ChuckNoWorriesMyWay · 26/06/2021 15:57

He is a wanker. He has very little regard for you and anything you would enjoy.

Tell him to fuck off.

Palavah · 26/06/2021 16:00

He's one of those 'food is fuel' types, whereas I like cooking, trying new recipes, see it as a treat etc.

That's all very well, but he didn't make a plan to fuel you despite you asking specifically for him to sort dinner.

I know first hand how debilitating depression can be and, frankly, how it can make one appear lazy, rude, inconsiderate, so I'm interested in what he was like before - in year 1, 2, 3, 4 of your relationship?

WorraLiberty · 26/06/2021 16:01

@ringletsuk

Wow, fast responses!

Me cooking every night is just the routine we're in from when he was working. I cook, he does the washing up. He's not very comfortable cooking and I'm generally better at it. But, as I'm sure you all know, sometimes it's nice to not even have to think about it for once.

Right but...

I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it.

He's not working so he has plenty of time to learn to cook.

I think this is more important than him buying tickets to see a comedian he loves (which was very cheeky!)

Drivingmeupthewall · 26/06/2021 16:03

@ChipsAndKetchup

What a cunt.
My thoughts exactly. Not working for some reason, doesn’t seem to be pulling his weight, leaving all financial responsibilities to you, spends his ‘fun money’ on a present for him for your birthday, doesn’t bother to do the one thing you asked for…
PurpleyBlue · 26/06/2021 16:04

He can learn how to cook? Is he doing any of the housework? How is his depression, is he getting help for this? I think if you usually are fine with him not cooking then expecting him to suddenly cook for your birthday might have been a bit much if he is still majorly depressed. But yes he's basically bought himself a gift.

Leshan · 26/06/2021 16:04

I also agree that he is a cunt and a wanker.

Original poster
ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 16:05

He's been doing most of the housework while he's been off work.

No kids- he's not really bothered about having children, and I have fertility issues anyway.

We got engaged just before the pandemic struck. No plans made for the wedding yet because I've been so busy with work throughout and want things to settle down before we make arrangements, and then him not working means we can't save as much.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2021 16:06

What did he get you for Christmas?

PurpleyBlue · 26/06/2021 16:08

He's been doing most of the housework while he's been off work. that's good at least you aren't having to do that. I would ask him to learn some basic cooking skills if he feels up to it.

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 26/06/2021 16:09

Doesn't sound great OP & I'd be v disappointed too with that non-effort

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 26/06/2021 16:11

I have to agree with PP that he sounds like a useless lump of shit. He's so selfish he couldn't be arsed cooking, despite having nothing to do all day and basically thought he could kill two birds with one stone by buying himself comedy tickets as your birthday present. DH is shit at cooking but for valentine's day last year I asked him to cook me a meal (I always do the cooking and just really fancied a night off and something nice to eat) and he made a real effort, despite having a demanding job.

Rqoki · 26/06/2021 16:12

He's one of those 'food is fuel' types, whereas I like cooking, trying new recipes, see it as a treat etc.
Dh would live off huel happily, but he can read a book and follow a basic set of instructions, so he follows a recipe and cooks for us when it's his turn or special occasions etc.

The food is fuel is no excuse for his laziness on the only thing you asked for.

leafygarden42 · 26/06/2021 16:14

@ChipsAndKetchup

My thoughts precisely Grin

He's a cock lodger.

My DH used to be a bit rubbish at cooking - but he's actually better than me now - uses recipes from books we have or looks up things on the internet.

He took on more of the cooking when I was at work full time and his job was 2 or 3 days a week, working from home. I do 12 hour shifts, and he always does the meal on those days.

Original poster
ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 16:16

@AnneLovesGilbert, my Christmas present was a trip to Edinburgh, planned for October.

@PurpleyBlue, he's on medication for the depression. He is able to cook things like steak and put together a salad etc. He's cooked for my birthday a few times in the past, so he is capable of doing something I'll like.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 26/06/2021 16:16

Is he usually good at being thoughtful and generous when it comes to birthdays and anniversaries? Or do you find you do most of the emotional legwork in the relationship?

Toebean · 26/06/2021 16:17

Whar a catch

stevalnamechanger · 26/06/2021 16:18

Lazy sod . Find better

BarbarianMum · 26/06/2021 16:18

X post. If this is a one off C- minus effort I'd probably cut him some mh slack. But I'd also be aware that some people see a settled relationship as a signal to stop making an effort ie he's caught you so game over.

mellicauli · 26/06/2021 16:20

You aren't even married. This is him wooing you - as good as it's going to get. Sorry but I would say he wants you to dump him.

Spandrel · 26/06/2021 16:21

Anyone can cook. It's one of the most ridiculous fallacies around that it takes any kind of special aptitude. If you can read, you can cook.

HollowTalk · 26/06/2021 16:21

Oh this is so depressing. He's basically bought himself a present for your birthday. I hope he didn't use a joint account to pay for it.

You are setting your bar so low that you're going to trip over it and fall flat on your face. He doesn't even cook your dinner on your birthday, when he's been at home all day.

You can put up with this but you're the only one who's going to be hurt by it. He's living the life of Riley, with his passive income that's just for him and with you paying his mortgage and cooking his dinner. For fuck's sake, OP, wake up. Why are you putting up with this?

RaginaFalangi · 26/06/2021 16:23

So what you have is a man child, buys himself a present, can't be bothered to cook and doesn't work. Does he do anything?

PurpleyBlue · 26/06/2021 16:23

He is able to cook things like steak and put together a salad etc. He's cooked for my birthday a few times in the past, so he is capable of doing something I'll like. I'd be annoyed then