Wishing for more- am I ungrateful?

[ringletsuk]

Background: Been with my fiance for 8 years, live together. He's not currently working so I'm paying the mortgage and bills. He has a little passive income, to cover his phone and a bit of fun money.

It was my birthday this week. I told him a while ago that I wasn't expecting a big gift, but that I would really like him to organise dinner for when I got home from work. I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it. When I ordered our shopping delivery last week, I reminded him and asked if he wanted to add anything to the order, but he said he would sort it himself.

When I got home, he handed me a card he'd printed out and put into one of the envelopes from a Moonpig card from my aunt, which had details of tickets to go and see a comedian that I think is okay, but he absolutely loves. I was a bit surprised and said that he didn't need to buy me anything like that, because money is tight for him right now, but it was a nice thing to look forward to for next year.

I then asked what the plan was for dinner, and he just shrugged and asked what I wanted, then looked a bit shifty when I said I'd asked him to make something for us. He said that he'd got me the tickets instead. I ended up ordering a takeaway.

AIBU for feeling a bit unloved and wishing he could have just made a tiny bit of effort? Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

@MeanyJoany

I'd say "Oh I text my friend Mary and she's definitely up the comedy gig, we are going to make a night of it" Because he totally bought that present for himself but he gave you both so fuck him and take a friend

Great idea, make it a girls night out!

The rest of your life.
With this man.

improve his mental health with improved medication, talking therapies, exercise, hobby, small amount of voluntary work perhaps as he feels better

Purposeful activity is actually quite key to managing to live with depression: exercise, work (paid or unpaid d). Housework and cooking, even!

A slacker arse with depression is still a slacker.

Self-care needs to involve something which makes him feel useful and that he’s contributing. Just doing nothing is really not good for trying to recover mental wellness, particularly if the depression is reactive ( in response to family member illness and death).

@dreamingbohemian

I hope you're been very honest with him about how disappointed you are. has he offered to make things up to you?

I agree. It’s fine ranting on here, but unless you tell him, he won’t know how disappointed you are. Can you turn this around, and get him to cook 1-2 meals a week?

He's told you who he is. Listen.

I’d buy him a cookbook for his birthday or maybe a recipe box subscription.

For his birthday buy him a spa day for one. In your name.

Definitely take a friend to the comedy gig not him. And buy him a subscription for Hello Fresh for his birthday and tell him you’d love him to learn to cook.

Depression can be a very selfish illness. I’m not sure I’d feel the need to marry this schmuck and make it permanent.

Just to contrast with how my relationship works:

I work full time, my wife does the school run and keeps on top of the housework.
I cook dinner some nights (if I'm home early)
I do homework with the kids
Wife does bath times, gets packed lunches ready
I do gardening, take bins out etc
I give her a few hundred per month to spend

It works well, but if one of us doesn't pull our weight then we speak up about it.

I think you need to set some ground-rules, if you're earning the money then he pretty much needs to do everything else!

OP,
You sound like a lovely woman who is wasting her time acting as a parent to this guy.

You are wasted on him.

Send him home to his family.

I am married a very long time and if MH problems happened for my husband I would definitely step up but there is absolutely no way I would have married ANYONE 30 years ago that wasn't working with depression who was a lazy arse to boot.

I really don't care how that sounds.

I place a value on my life and no way woulď I have settled for being the parent starting off.

He is a selfish fxxk to give you tickets to a comedian HE likes and he couldn't do the ONE thing you asked for, dinner prepared.

We teach people how to treat us and he thinks you are safely in the bag because of some ring🙄.

Get rid of him.
Marry him and you have a miserable life ahead of you, full of disappointment, parenting a selfish arse and feeling completely unloved.

There are so many women on MN who escape marriages like that and are thrilled to be alone.

Don't waste your precious life on him.

You HAVE been warned.

He has fun money when you're paying all the bills?!

It sounds like this is as good as it gets. Is it enough for you? It definitely wouldn't be for me.

You've got a cocklodger

I would be taking a friend to watch the comedian. It’s your birthday present so you can take who you like, right?

YANBU at all btw. This kind of stuff chips away at a relationship too. If anything I think you’re being way too passive about it. Or maybe you’re used to this sort of treatment from him and it’s become normal? Whatever the reason, you deserve better but you probably know that.

This reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer gets Marge a bowling ball for her birthday with HOMER engraved on it

Yes, and then Marge decides that as it’s her bowling ball she is going to take it and learn how to use it. Which was not what Homer had planned.

Plenty of people work when they have depression and after bereavement. Lazy fucker.

Yeah, i'd either sell them on and pick your own present with the proceeds, take somebody other than him, OR, tell him its clearly something he's bought as he wants to go, thinly disguised as a present for you, and you'd like him to get you something else as your birthday gift and give him the tickets back, with the face value of one ticket back if you would like to go as a couple so shared cost like a day out, just not as a birthday gift.

He is never, ever going to change. Ever.

I would be definitely absolutely splitting with this waste of space.

You deserve more than this shit. Plenty of men know how to actually be a grown up. Seriously, I would get away.

He bought something that he would like as a gift to you. He didn't bother making dinner although he knew you wanted him to. He basically couldn't be arsed to treat you or do something special for your birthday. I have similar but my relationship has been dead for a while. You are at the start and are contemplating marriage. He is taking the piss out of you.

“Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.“
I should imagine a lot feels like that. Do you love him a lot? Did things used to be better?

He's a cocklodger - chuck him out.

A cocklodger who buys himself a birthday present on your birthday. Jolly good.

As with a PP. Tell him thankyou for the tickets, you'll take your friend X along for the laughs. Then you'll see how much it was for you.

You're onto a hiding to nothing with this one. But good luck anyway.

No kids and he's not working, he should be doing ALL the housework, not most of it. And he should be cooking, it's not hard, he can figure it unless he's got the iq of about 5.

Dump him, kick him out and find a new guy that isn't a complete twat.