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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wishing for more- am I ungrateful?

198 replies

ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 15:33

Background: Been with my fiance for 8 years, live together. He's not currently working so I'm paying the mortgage and bills. He has a little passive income, to cover his phone and a bit of fun money.

It was my birthday this week. I told him a while ago that I wasn't expecting a big gift, but that I would really like him to organise dinner for when I got home from work. I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it. When I ordered our shopping delivery last week, I reminded him and asked if he wanted to add anything to the order, but he said he would sort it himself.

When I got home, he handed me a card he'd printed out and put into one of the envelopes from a Moonpig card from my aunt, which had details of tickets to go and see a comedian that I think is okay, but he absolutely loves. I was a bit surprised and said that he didn't need to buy me anything like that, because money is tight for him right now, but it was a nice thing to look forward to for next year.

I then asked what the plan was for dinner, and he just shrugged and asked what I wanted, then looked a bit shifty when I said I'd asked him to make something for us. He said that he'd got me the tickets instead. I ended up ordering a takeaway.

AIBU for feeling a bit unloved and wishing he could have just made a tiny bit of effort? Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
Rno3gfr · 26/06/2021 20:51

Why are you cooking dinner every night when he doesn’t even work?

SharkAttack1972 · 26/06/2021 20:52

" give her a few hundred a month' Grin is it 1950's?

Spandrel · 26/06/2021 20:58

And let me ask you something, @JoeLikesTofu, why exactly do you think your wife wouldn’t earn the same as you, were she currently working FT?

And another thing, would you really like it if your only access to money was whatever your wife doled out, while going on Internet forums to talk about ‘how good you have it’?

Ladywinesalot · 26/06/2021 20:59

Dump the lazy feker
Shit in bed too?

SharkAttack1972 · 26/06/2021 21:12

Why not give her a bank card? I believe women are allowed them now and it's her money too not yours to give out. I bet she calls it pocket money Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/06/2021 22:07

@gamerchick

A cocklodger who buys himself a birthday present on your birthday. Jolly good.

As with a PP. Tell him thankyou for the tickets, you'll take your friend X along for the laughs. Then you'll see how much it was for you.

You're onto a hiding to nothing with this one. But good luck anyway.

gamerchick totally nailing it here. His reaction, should you say that to him, would tell you everything you need to know about your relationship.
EKGEMS · 26/06/2021 22:42

Sorry,dear,but you are a gigantic MUG

thatsnotgoingtowork2 · 26/06/2021 22:53

It's utterly rotten of him, but at the same time, it sounds like he's in a place where this would have been very stressful for him to do.

That doesn't mean you have to put up with it. It's still rotten of him and dreadful for you.

I'm just saying, I can (just) remember how it feels to think something like that is overwhelming and feel properly overwhelmed by it to the point that I can even.

If that's his position, you might want to look at it differently. If it's not, would be questioning why I was with him because you actually asked for this and he's given you a gift he'll enjoy more himself.

Definitely take a friend and explain that you'd resent him otherwise because he couldn't even cook the meal you had asked for, so you'd rather celebrate your birthday 100% on your own.

OccaChocca · 26/06/2021 22:56

Getting back into the routine of work would probably help his mental state. I very much doubt that the current set up is helping him.

I work but less than DH so I am currently picking up most of the housework, food shopping and cooking. You shouldn't be cooking every night if you are working. Why isn't he doing this? DH isn't brilliant at cooking but will do the things that involve bunging stuff in the oven or microwave. It's very dull to have to do it every single night of the week. Are you not fed up of it?

I would be annoyed at the lack of effort for your Birthday. What else are you unhappy about? I take it there are other things going on?

whatisheupto · 26/06/2021 22:57

EKGEMS comment is a bit weird and not very helpful.....
But anyway I think you may be realising that you could do a lot better than this!
Worth bearing in mind that things generally get a bit worse and a bit harder over the years.... there are always challenges in a marriage. So it's not a good idea to start from a low bar!

EKGEMS · 26/06/2021 23:17

@whatisheupto Fair enough we all have opinions,however, if I worked full time,paid all the bills, did all the cooking and my unemployed husband gave me a shitty gift (for himself), and couldn't be arsed to cook dinner (or at the least order take out and pay for it) and zero birthday cake? All hell would break loose-especially if all I asked for was him to cook dinner? That's just unacceptable. The OP deserves far better

tallduckandhandsome · 26/06/2021 23:20

I think @EKGEMS meant well

summerishere1 · 26/06/2021 23:21

He doesn’t work, and you usually cook for him?Confused Sorry, but it’s your own fault if this is how you let yourself be treated.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 26/06/2021 23:44

He doesn't want to do talking therapies, even via zoom.

That's handy for him isn't it.

I'm sorry OP but I can't help but feel that if he didn't have you to sponge from, he'd be working.

IntoAir · 27/06/2021 06:43

so he usually asks for a combined present. This year, it was a new PC

I can’t help but contrast that with the very modest acknowledgment of your birthday- that you asked for and he didn’t do.

A depressed selfish man is still a selfish man.

This must all be tough to read @ringletsuk so I hope you have good RL friends who know your partner and the whole context (we only see a little bit of it!) and that you can talk things through with your partner and your friends.

You seem to be concerned about your feelings and their validity. It sounds as though your partner’s illness dominates the relationship. While he doesn’t seem to be making much of an effort to recover - purposeful activity, thinking if others, sleep hygiene, exercise, talking therapy. For example, the trigger for his depression- illness and death of a family member - is (sadly) a pretty normal life experience. Why has it precipitated 6 months of inactivity and illness? Most people stay employed through this sort of experience and indeed, much more traumatic situations. What’s triggered such a reaction in him?

Good luck and happy birthday Cake WineFlowers

caringcarer · 27/06/2021 06:55

Not a keeper.. You are wasting your best years on this loser who has not even got the decency to buy you a present you will love. Tell him to shape up or ship out. You can look for a partner who will love and value you. I have been married 16 years and my dh brings me tea in bed every day, does a lot around house, ofen cooks me lunch or dinner and generally makes me feel special. Raise your bar higher.

caringcarer · 27/06/2021 07:00

Definitely take a friend to see comedian do t invite him. Let it backfire on him.

Pantheon · 27/06/2021 07:14

Yeah, not great. Why are you the only one working and doing the cooking?

LilTeapot · 27/06/2021 07:20

You bought him a pc and in return your presents were trips to places/gigs he could enjoy too? Does he ever buy you a present he doesn't benefit from?

Clymene · 27/06/2021 07:25

You sound like his mum, not his girlfriend. He's a lazy good for nothing cock lodger. And you're being a total mug

ivfgottwins · 27/06/2021 07:38

Well you've certainly got yourself a grade A cocklodger there

Stress and depression doesn't stop you working - it's an excuse

Oblomov21 · 27/06/2021 07:38

He's going to bleed you dry. What's really sad is that you can't see this yet. Hopefully you will soon. Get rid.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/06/2021 08:11

He’s a cock lodger in training. Get rid before he graduates.

I’d take a friend to the comedian too. Who does that on someone’s birthday?

Cowbells · 27/06/2021 08:14

If he can't work due to depression then recovering from depression should be his job.

@DifferentHair is exactly right. That's now his job.

Honestly, you can't want to marry a man if this is your future with him. No job, no lust for life, no will to get better, no appreciation of you. Please don't.

TheBullfinch · 27/06/2021 08:15

So basically, he's about as much use as a house cat.

He sits around the house all day while you keep him.

What does he do all day?

He doesnt sound like a good candidate to build a future with.