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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wishing for more- am I ungrateful?

198 replies

ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 15:33

Background: Been with my fiance for 8 years, live together. He's not currently working so I'm paying the mortgage and bills. He has a little passive income, to cover his phone and a bit of fun money.

It was my birthday this week. I told him a while ago that I wasn't expecting a big gift, but that I would really like him to organise dinner for when I got home from work. I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it. When I ordered our shopping delivery last week, I reminded him and asked if he wanted to add anything to the order, but he said he would sort it himself.

When I got home, he handed me a card he'd printed out and put into one of the envelopes from a Moonpig card from my aunt, which had details of tickets to go and see a comedian that I think is okay, but he absolutely loves. I was a bit surprised and said that he didn't need to buy me anything like that, because money is tight for him right now, but it was a nice thing to look forward to for next year.

I then asked what the plan was for dinner, and he just shrugged and asked what I wanted, then looked a bit shifty when I said I'd asked him to make something for us. He said that he'd got me the tickets instead. I ended up ordering a takeaway.

AIBU for feeling a bit unloved and wishing he could have just made a tiny bit of effort? Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:

Summersnake · 27/06/2021 08:21

I think your missing the point here op ,
Your birthday isnt the issue
He is
You have a lazy cocklodger there who is bleeding you dry.
Millions of people work while on medication for depression
You are facilitating him doing fuck all

HerMammy · 27/06/2021 09:25

Whilst I agree he’s taking the piss, again it shows how biased MN is.
If a man posted his DW was depressed and he expected her to cook and clean whilst he works, not one person would have accused her of being a lazy loser etc and for him to bin her, would they?

LivingLaVidaCovid · 27/06/2021 09:32

Jesus.
You need to properly think about why you are choosing a life like this.

Ask yourself...
How is he enhancing your life?
How are you enhancing his?
What could your own life look like if you were putting your energy and resources into yourself instead of throwing in down the drain on him.

Honestly, do not marry him.

Standrewsschool · 27/06/2021 09:35

@HerMammy

Whilst I agree he’s taking the piss, again it shows how biased MN is. If a man posted his DW was depressed and he expected her to cook and clean whilst he works, not one person would have accused her of being a lazy loser etc and for him to bin her, would they?

I think the issue is that dp didn’t make any effort, despite prompting by op. She has supported him for the last six months, and hasn’t minded doing so. However, she asked for one thing in return, a bit of support and respect on her birthday, and he failed her. He couldn’t be bothered to cook a meal or arrange a takeaway. She had to do all the chasing.

I think this birthday is seen as an indicative of what the future may hold. Dp isn’t actively taking any steps to help himself. You can help:and support someone for so long, which op has been doing, but at some point, they need to take responsibilty for themselves, and maybe this birthday is what’s tipped the balance.

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2021 09:35

For his next present get him tickets to something you want to go to.

Standrewsschool · 27/06/2021 09:38

I’m guessing if op has been with dp for eight years, she’s around thirty, so maybe this birthday is also making her re-evaluate her future. Does she want to continue like this or not? How much longer can she support dp?

Clymene · 27/06/2021 10:08

@HerMammy

Whilst I agree he’s taking the piss, again it shows how biased MN is. If a man posted his DW was depressed and he expected her to cook and clean whilst he works, not one person would have accused her of being a lazy loser etc and for him to bin her, would they?

Given women do the vast majority of the housework, even when both partners are working full time, I'd say your example is vanishingly unlikely.

Although perhaps if you'd like to frequent a chat forum that offers a more male perspective, you'd be better off on PistonHeads?

Sceptre86 · 27/06/2021 10:13

He's a deadweight, let him loose. I'd he is like this before you get married things won't miraculously improve after. I strongly believe it is better to be single that shackled to someone like this. He could have offered to pay for the take away or rustled something up, you didn't ask for the world but he couldn't be bothered. Ltb x

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 27/06/2021 10:33

[quote ringletsuk]@ScrollingLeaves, I think it’s more a sense of duty, rather than actively liking the position we’re in. His work is freelance, so he just stopped accepting new work, so he’s not on sick leave or has to deal with an ended contract.

@Howshouldibehave, his birthday is close to Christmas, so he usually asks for a combined present. This year, it was a new PC.[/quote]
Are you joking? He's NOT WORKING and thinks a reasonable Xmas/Birthday present is a new PC?

That is astonishing. Did that not give you any pause when you were spending hundreds of pounds on a present when you're the only earner?

Does he smoke weed op?

Pluckyduck · 27/06/2021 10:37

Come on OP.

All I read was that YOU work, YOU cook, he can’t even be bothered for your birthday. What is the point of this? You only live once.
Wake up. you deserve better.

Original poster

ringletsuk · 27/06/2021 10:42

@AOwlAOwlAOwl At the point of buying the PC, he was still working and there wasn't any indication of how seriously ill his family member was. It was around mid-December when things took a turn for the worse, and by that point, the computer was already bought and delivered.

No, he doesn't smoke at all, neither weed nor cigarettes.

@Standrewsschool, I'm in my early 30s, so yes, I suppose I am reflecting more on what life will be like for the future.

Thanks for all the messages, everyone. Wasn't expecting the thread to get so many responses. Lots to think about.

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 27/06/2021 10:53

@pinkyredrose

For his next present get him tickets to something you want to go to.

So she has to stay with this loser for 6 months just to prove a point? Er no.

Clymene · 27/06/2021 11:41

I'm sure you have a lot to think about @ringletsuk because you seem a bit disappointed rather than being absolutely furious at how little your boyfriend thinks of you.

If you want children in the future, I would urge you to think very seriously about this relationship and whether your fiancé is the right person to do that with. Having children with someone who doesn't pull their weight and won't prioritise anyone else's wants and needs above their own is a recipe for disaster.

Snog · 27/06/2021 11:46

Don't invite someone else to the comedy gig - that would be very passive aggressive.

I think you should directly and honestly tell him how you felt about his behaviour on your birthday. It doesn't honour your relationship to keep quiet about this.
Just say you felt unloved because he didn't bother to cook for you and that you felt the present he got was more about himself than it was about you.

ScrollingLeaves · 27/06/2021 11:59

What was it like in your family growing up?
You seem very used to accepting a lot of responsibility on to your own shoulders, and not really expecting to ever be looked after yourself ( apart from hoping for a nice birthday).

Freckers · 27/06/2021 12:08

[quote ringletsuk]@AOwlAOwlAOwl At the point of buying the PC, he was still working and there wasn't any indication of how seriously ill his family member was. It was around mid-December when things took a turn for the worse, and by that point, the computer was already bought and delivered.

No, he doesn't smoke at all, neither weed nor cigarettes.

@Standrewsschool, I'm in my early 30s, so yes, I suppose I am reflecting more on what life will be like for the future.

Thanks for all the messages, everyone. Wasn't expecting the thread to get so many responses. Lots to think about.[/quote]
If you're in you early 30's and been together 8 years then it's been the majority of your adult life so it might seem scary to make such a life changing decision but as most pp have said - it would be a positive one!

Original poster

ringletsuk · 27/06/2021 12:22

Oof, @ScrollingLeaves. That does sum up my upbringing, pretty much. I have an older sister, who was always pretty wild growing up and needed a lot of support from my parents. Her birthday is also a few days before mine and she likes a fuss, whereas I've never really been one for big parties or lots of attention on me. My little sister was born when I was 11, so naturally, my parents had their hands full from then too.

I'm very conscious of not wanting to be a burden to anyone and I'm not good at asking for help. I think perhaps I've taken it too far.

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 27/06/2021 12:44

Yes at some level you equate wanting love and generosity with 'being a burden'. I had this too! So you put up with men who really don't make enough of an effort.

It's ok to want to feel loved and appreciated. It's not asking for too much.

But, you have to be with someone who's willing to do that. Was your DP more loving and thoughtful before the depression?

ScrollingLeaves · 27/06/2021 13:07

It almost sounds as though you wouldn’t ‘know’ the feeling of being special and important that some woman experience and expect.

You also sound admirable for being so capable, strong and independent but you shouldn’t need to stand so alone.

Looking from afar, I think you should look for some good counselling for yourself ( maybe other posters know the right sort to look for). Perhaps talk about that childhood and those early relationships etc

Please do this before taking any further steps towards your planned marriage.

OccaChocca · 27/06/2021 13:23

Op, it's not too much to expect a thoughtful gesture in the form of a card, gift and dinner. It doesn't even have to cost a lot! Your partner literally has nothing else going on in his life at the moment and he can't even organise a couple of nice things for your Birthday.

People tell you who they are by their actions. This won't improve. In fact, it's probably going to get worse if you factor in marriage and children.

You deserve someone thoughtful and kind. I doubt that someone is your current partner.

One of my friend's husbands gave up work and stayed at home for years citing depression. He did little to nothing at home and ran up a huge credit card bill. She gave up on him in the end and ended up divorcing him/marrying someone else. Miraculously, he got off his butt and got himself a job. She still sees him occasionally and said it was the best thing for him.

billy1966 · 27/06/2021 13:52

OP,
You deserve better.
You deserve to be made a fuss of on your birthday.
You definitely deserve better than him.

Snog · 27/06/2021 14:05

OP I echo the PP who suggested that you arrange some counselling for yourself.

It sounds like you have very understandable self esteem issues from your childhood that are not serving you well as an adult. This could also be why you have chosen and stayed with this particular boyfriend.

hawkehurstgang · 27/06/2021 19:59

So... He doesn't work, spends what very little money he has on himself, totally ignored your one wish for your birthday ans bought himself a present for your birthday. What a catch.

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