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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wishing for more- am I ungrateful?

198 replies

ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 15:33

Background: Been with my fiance for 8 years, live together. He's not currently working so I'm paying the mortgage and bills. He has a little passive income, to cover his phone and a bit of fun money.

It was my birthday this week. I told him a while ago that I wasn't expecting a big gift, but that I would really like him to organise dinner for when I got home from work. I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it. When I ordered our shopping delivery last week, I reminded him and asked if he wanted to add anything to the order, but he said he would sort it himself.

When I got home, he handed me a card he'd printed out and put into one of the envelopes from a Moonpig card from my aunt, which had details of tickets to go and see a comedian that I think is okay, but he absolutely loves. I was a bit surprised and said that he didn't need to buy me anything like that, because money is tight for him right now, but it was a nice thing to look forward to for next year.

I then asked what the plan was for dinner, and he just shrugged and asked what I wanted, then looked a bit shifty when I said I'd asked him to make something for us. He said that he'd got me the tickets instead. I ended up ordering a takeaway.

AIBU for feeling a bit unloved and wishing he could have just made a tiny bit of effort? Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 26/06/2021 16:25

Is there a plan going forward with his depression? I ask because I've been there myself and my partner is now. There needs to be a plan otherwise things will never improve. Is he getting help, on meds?

WorraLiberty · 26/06/2021 16:25

He's been doing most of the housework while he's been off work.

Properly though and as much as you would do if you were at home all day everyday?

I can't help but think an adult who claims they can't cook (because let's face it, it's easy to learn), isn't going to do more than the bare minimum when it comes to housework.

WorraLiberty · 26/06/2021 16:27

@Spandrel

Anyone can cook. It's one of the most ridiculous fallacies around that it takes any kind of special aptitude. If you can read, you can cook.
You don't even have to be able to read, what with all the Youtube tutorials and other step-by-step video guides.
pinkyredrose · 26/06/2021 16:27

Did you ask him why he'd got you tickets to his favourite comedian? I'd be tempted to sell them and spend the money on something you want.

Thehop · 26/06/2021 16:30

@pinkyredroseid be making a point of going with a girlfriend.

WombatChocolate · 26/06/2021 16:31

So disappointing.

Op, the thing is that you need to take a step back and look at your situation. Consider if this is a good relationship where you both feed in, in a positive way. At the moment, he doesn’t seem to be inputting much.

You know it’s not good as you started the thread. It is up to you if you want to put up with it, make excuses for him and just feel more resentful. Or you can address the issues with him and insist in some changes.

I don’t think binning him without talking it through and giving him a chance to make changes is fair. However if you talk about it and either he doesn’t engage or he does and then nothing changes, Inwoukd seriously consider if it’s time to end this.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 26/06/2021 16:32

Fuck. That. Shit.

dreamingbohemian · 26/06/2021 16:33

So your Christmas present was also a present for him?

OP you deserve way more than he's offering

MeanyJoany · 26/06/2021 16:33

I'd say "Oh I text my friend Mary and she's definitely up the comedy gig, we are going to make a night of it" Because he totally bought that present for himself but he gave you both so fuck him and take a friend

Lorw · 26/06/2021 16:33

Wow. What a knob.

I’d sell the tickets so you can buy something you want or tell him you want to take a friend not him 😂

You can do better OP. Sorry but it’s true. What would he do about his stress and depression if you weren’t around? Ofcourse MH is important but if you weren’t there to pay the bills he would have to pull his socks up and go to work.

IntoAir · 26/06/2021 16:34

So you’re working, he’s presumably doing nothing all day, and you STILL cook supper?

What is the point of him at the moment?

dreamingbohemian · 26/06/2021 16:35

I hope you're been very honest with him about how disappointed you are. has he offered to make things up to you?

Billybagpuss · 26/06/2021 16:39

[quote ringletsuk]@AnneLovesGilbert, my Christmas present was a trip to Edinburgh, planned for October.

@PurpleyBlue, he's on medication for the depression. He is able to cook things like steak and put together a salad etc. He's cooked for my birthday a few times in the past, so he is capable of doing something I'll like.[/quote]
I’d be very very happy with steak and salad cooked for me on my birthday, DH is scared of cooking steak so it’s the one thing he won’t do. He always does the bulk of my birthday dinner and if it’s steak I’ll do that, but he does starters pud and all the other bits.

BarbarianMum · 26/06/2021 16:41

Of course MH is important but if you werent there to pay the bills he would have to pull his socks up and go to work

You know this isnt how it works right? That's why so many people w poor MH are on.long term benefits and live in poverty.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 26/06/2021 16:44

He doesn’t seem to care about your relationship much.
Perhaps it’s the depression.
Or perhaps not.

Chamomileteaplease · 26/06/2021 16:45

I hope you don't end up marrying this man.

Whilst this is only a snapshot of his behaviour it is a very damning one Sad.

There is loads here but the fact that he bought tickets for a comedian that he wants to go and see and didn't do the one thing that you asked for, is very worrying.

I would ask him calmly, why he bought the tickets? See what guff he comes up with. Make him squirm. I feel quite cross towards this stranger! Grin

Aside from anything else, it's not much fun waiting until next year for a birthday present Shock.

Spandrel · 26/06/2021 16:54

@BarbarianMum

Of course MH is important but if you werent there to pay the bills he would have to pull his socks up and go to work

You know this isnt how it works right? That's why so many people w poor MH are on.long term benefits and live in poverty.

Well, OK, if he weren't being supported by the OP, he would have to choose between getting himself into a better state and returning to work, or between living in poverty on longterm benefits. Either way, he wouldn't be not working, relying on someone else paying the bills and mortgage, while his passive income is 'fun money', and waiting for the person who is supporting him financially to come home from work and cook his dinner.
Movinghouseatlast · 26/06/2021 16:56

Christ alive. This can't possibly be true as surely nobody would think that this arrangement was acceptable?

Why doesn't he do all the housework and cooking if he doesn't work?

MadMadMadamMim · 26/06/2021 17:00

Did your wages pay for the tickets, OP?

You know - to the gig he wants to go to.

And did you pay for your birthday takeaway?

I'd be ending the relationship. Not a bloke you want to keep, is it?

Looubylou · 26/06/2021 17:02

If this is far from his norm, I would be prepared for him to have another year perhaps to improve his mental health with improved medication, talking therapies, exercise, hobby, small amount of voluntary work perhaps as he feels better. I would make it clear he needs to try harder, with your support, to feel better and function properly. He is not your child. I'm not belittling his problems but they won't improve without him doing something more than he is. I wouldn't say anything about the present, but I would let him know he has upset you by not doing the one thing you asked - tell him steak and salad would be lovely one night this week.

lalafafa · 26/06/2021 17:03

He’s a loser, get rid. He’ll be like this for the rest of his life.

willowmelangell · 26/06/2021 17:06

Absolutely make a few phone calls to friends asking if they want to come to the gig with you! Naturally do this infront of him. The Knob.
Now the rosy tinted glasses have fallen off, is there anything else your disappointment has made you think of?

EmeraldShamrock · 26/06/2021 17:09

You deserve so much more, how have things come to this?
Cooking dinner every evening?
Set higher standards he needs to grow up or get out.

Original poster
ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 17:13

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. I'm really grateful for your time.

I started the thread because I was feeling like a bit of an afterthought, but I was also aware that he had actually got me a present. I've read threads on here where women haven't even been given any acknowledgement of their birthday, so wasn't sure if I was just being petty and selfish.

@MadMadMadamMim, no- he didn't use the joint account to pay for the tickets. I did pay for the takeaway, though. I could have cooked something from the food we had in the house, but just didn't want to.

@WombatChocolate, thanks for your post. We had to have a chat when he first stopped working, as he was staying up until the early hours and then sleeping until after I got home from work. I told him then that he needed to do more of the housework and keep to reasonable hours.

I've had a few people ask about our wedding plans recently. It's not been a conscious choice to not start planning as things start to open up again, but now everyone's posts are making me think perhaps I'm stalling and having doubts.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 26/06/2021 17:14

Even if he's not a great cook, he should be doing 3-4 of the meals a week since he's not working. Surely he can do baked potatoes / pasta and a jar of sauce / pizza?