Wishing for more- am I ungrateful?

[ringletsuk]

Background: Been with my fiance for 8 years, live together. He's not currently working so I'm paying the mortgage and bills. He has a little passive income, to cover his phone and a bit of fun money.

It was my birthday this week. I told him a while ago that I wasn't expecting a big gift, but that I would really like him to organise dinner for when I got home from work. I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it. When I ordered our shopping delivery last week, I reminded him and asked if he wanted to add anything to the order, but he said he would sort it himself.

When I got home, he handed me a card he'd printed out and put into one of the envelopes from a Moonpig card from my aunt, which had details of tickets to go and see a comedian that I think is okay, but he absolutely loves. I was a bit surprised and said that he didn't need to buy me anything like that, because money is tight for him right now, but it was a nice thing to look forward to for next year.

I then asked what the plan was for dinner, and he just shrugged and asked what I wanted, then looked a bit shifty when I said I'd asked him to make something for us. He said that he'd got me the tickets instead. I ended up ordering a takeaway.

AIBU for feeling a bit unloved and wishing he could have just made a tiny bit of effort? Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

He sounds depressed and not at all well. I think even what he has done for your Birthday can take a lot of effort for someone in his state of mental health. If this is how he has behaved for the last 8 years then it's different. I think he may need a visit for a review to his Gp .

@gamerchick

A cocklodger who buys himself a birthday present on your birthday. Jolly good.

As with a PP. Tell him thankyou for the tickets, you'll take your friend X along for the laughs. Then you'll see how much it was for you.

You're onto a hiding to nothing with this one. But good luck anyway.

💯

I have just read your post about how he is
depressed and also that he won’t do talking therapies.

It is his choice but I think it is acknowledged that medication.cannot cure depression by itself so mightn’t talking therapy help? Unless perhaps he thinks his problems all stem from bereavement that he will get over eventually.

Also, not working can feed depression. Did he have a good job before? How exactly did it end?

You sound very committed to him. In some ways I get the impression you like having him to look after, or else you are just used to it.

What is your plan if he becomes your husband and remains too ill to work permanently? What is his plan. He needs to get his ducks in a row in terms of accessing pip. At the moment he has no financial means except his girlfriend. Is this his plan? Is it yours?

@Wearywithteens

“JoeLikesTofu Just to contrast with how my relationship works:

I work full time, my wife does the school run and keeps on top of the housework.
I cook dinner some nights (if I'm home early)
I do homework with the kids
Wife does bath times, gets packed lunches ready
I do gardening, take bins out etc
I give her a few hundred per month to spend

It works well, but if one of us doesn't pull our weight then we speak up about it.”

So you have a job and do the occasional dinner, once a week bins (such fucking hard work that) and a bit in the garden but your wife does everything else and you generously ‘give her’ some money which, let’s face it, she has every right to anyway. I don’t think this is the shining example of equality you think it is

Op - you’re not even married and he can’t be arsed. What vision do you have for your future marriage? Do you think he’s going to stop being a selfish prick and suddenly raise his game. No he won’t. Think long and hard about your situation and the kind of future you want.

The difference is I work 40 hours a week and she does approx 2-3 hours a day, nothing strenuous.

Are you sure you know how relationships work?

@Wearywithteens

“JoeLikesTofu Just to contrast with how my relationship works:

I work full time, my wife does the school run and keeps on top of the housework.
I cook dinner some nights (if I'm home early)
I do homework with the kids
Wife does bath times, gets packed lunches ready
I do gardening, take bins out etc
I give her a few hundred per month to spend

It works well, but if one of us doesn't pull our weight then we speak up about it.”

So you have a job and do the occasional dinner, once a week bins (such fucking hard work that) and a bit in the garden but your wife does everything else and you generously ‘give her’ some money which, let’s face it, she has every right to anyway. I don’t think this is the shining example of equality you think it is

Op - you’re not even married and he can’t be arsed. What vision do you have for your future marriage? Do you think he’s going to stop being a selfish prick and suddenly raise his game. No he won’t. Think long and hard about your situation and the kind of future you want.

JoeLikeTofu- I don't think you're the hero you think you are mate!

Agree this is FAR from the shining example of equality you make it out to be.

At least I got a laugh!

I don't think I said I was a hero.

I said things were equal on both sides, we both think so.

I also do all the finances, all the shopping etc.

She drops the kids at school, vacuums twice a week and cooks a 'kids meal' every night. I do most of everything else, I think that's fair.

Nobody can't cook. Pick up a recipe book and then do what it says. Simple. DP and I got together at 18, his parents aren't the best cooks so he was a frozen food guy. I love cooking and so have many recipe books. He has opened them and can now cook because they're literally instruction manuals....

My DH was made redundant and out of work for 6 months. As much as he can be a lazy git when it suits him, for those 6 months he did ALL the housework, took DD to school, ALL the cooking, and I came home from work every night to a clean house.

You aren't married to this guy and he can't be bothered to do anything for you. He won't change. Please don't waste any more of your life on this waste of space.

He's a food is fuel type ,as long as you're cooking it

@JoeLikesTofu

I don't think I said I was a hero.

I said things were equal on both sides, we both think so.

I also do all the finances, all the shopping etc.

She drops the kids at school, vacuums twice a week and cooks a 'kids meal' every night. I do most of everything else, I think that's fair.

It sounds as if you do the finances and shopping in order to control all the money other than what you generously ‘give her’.

Are you living in fear of her getting a job, so you have to actually pull your weight, take days off when children are sick, do the school run, leave meetings early, a d don’t have her picking up your slack?

Sell the tickets (they are yours after all) and get yourself something lovely. He'll be pissed but maybe he'll get the message.

Or if you don't want to do that, take someone else not him.

I don’t think binning him without talking it through and giving him a chance to make changes is fair. However if you talk about it and either he doesn’t engage or he does and then nothing changes, Inwoukd seriously consider if it’s time to end this

It's not a job where you have to performance manage someone and give them a chance to improve. It's OP's life and she can end this relationship at any point.

Depression is an illness but if he won't agree to therapy then this may never improve, and I don't see what motivation he has to do so.

He didn't make her dinner on her birthday after she'd been working all day.
That contempt could well be the straw that broke the camel's back. I actually ended a relationship with a dickhead who helped himself to my lunch that I had prepared when I was working two jobs because it just illustrated what a selfish twat he was.
I wasn't going to have a chance to grab dinner until after my evening shift.
Of course he told everyone what a bitch I was but I didn't care, I was just so relieved.

So.... he bought himself a present he desperately wanted for your birthday and didn't even cook you food that you're paying for in the kitchen that you're paying for.

He's a fucking arse. Be glad you're not married to him yet and kick him out. Dodging a bullet with this one, frankly.

He bought himself tickets for a comedian he likes, couldn’t even find a card with an envelope for you and then you bought dinner! He sounds like a keeper

Seriously if you marry this then you’re signing up for a lifetime of shit

Spandrel, no control here.

I do the finances because she doesn't want to.

I do the shopping because she doesn't drive.

She doesn't work because I my salary is enough and she suffers from anxiety, so she'd rather be a stay at home mum.

I'm not going into the detail here but we're both happy and both think we do 50/50.

That's what this post is about, someone working towards their partner pulling their weight.

Wow-what a prince of a man.

What did you get him for his last birthday?

@Wearywithteens

“JoeLikesTofu

I don't think I said I was a hero.

I said things were equal on both sides, we both think so.”

You thinking what she does is 2-3 hours a day and ‘nothing strenuous’ speaks volumes about what some men (I’m assuming male) think of SAHM - the school run, baths, lunches, shopping, planning, cooking and ‘keeping on top of the housework’ as you so quaintly put it is far more than that - and you haven’t even factored in the general ‘wife work’ and life admin that takes up brain space. Living with a partner who thinks clocking 40 hours and emptying bins or mowing the lawn once in a while means he deserves a medal is hard enough. I’m not saying you are not a good partner - you sound like you pull your weight - but dismissing your wife’s contribution as a mere trifle and saying you ‘allow’ her some money makes you sound, I’m not gonna lie mate, a bit of an arrogant prick. Especially around a general clientele here that knows how hard it is to bring up young children and expected to do all the domestics too.

Sorry to hijack your thread OP - but you see what we are all up against - selfish men who think that only what they do matters.

She even thinks so herself!

The other day she wasn't feeling it, so she spent most of her day in bed on her phone. This is something she does once a week at least.

She meets up with friends for coffee/lunch in the day.

She has daytime naps.

I would LOVE to have the option of doing any of those things, but I don't, but I don't care because she's a good mum and she deserves it.

We both pull our weight, I'm not minimising her efforts but she does have it good (I would 100% trade places if she could earn the same).

@ScrollingLeaves, I think it’s more a sense of duty, rather than actively liking the position we’re in. His work is freelance, so he just stopped accepting new work, so he’s not on sick leave or has to deal with an ended contract.

@Howshouldibehave, his birthday is close to Christmas, so he usually asks for a combined present. This year, it was a new PC.

I can't stand people who claim they cannot function in some core aspect of life yet refuse to do therapy.

If he can't work due to depression then recovering from depression should be his job.

What if he is depressed for another year? Or five? Is the plan for you to support him while he sits at home being rather than brave therapy?!

And anyone who is literate should be able to cook. Comfortable or not.

This guy really seems to prioritise his comfort over yours.

Bin him, he’s a d*!

Seriously.

He sounds like a complete deadweight.

Do you want children?

What do you get out of the relationship?

He's taking you for granted op. Relationships need to be give and take. What do you get from it, and what do you see for your future together?