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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wishing for more- am I ungrateful?

198 replies

ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 15:33

Background: Been with my fiance for 8 years, live together. He's not currently working so I'm paying the mortgage and bills. He has a little passive income, to cover his phone and a bit of fun money.

It was my birthday this week. I told him a while ago that I wasn't expecting a big gift, but that I would really like him to organise dinner for when I got home from work. I normally cook for us, so it would have been lovely to get back home and not even have to think about it. When I ordered our shopping delivery last week, I reminded him and asked if he wanted to add anything to the order, but he said he would sort it himself.

When I got home, he handed me a card he'd printed out and put into one of the envelopes from a Moonpig card from my aunt, which had details of tickets to go and see a comedian that I think is okay, but he absolutely loves. I was a bit surprised and said that he didn't need to buy me anything like that, because money is tight for him right now, but it was a nice thing to look forward to for next year.

I then asked what the plan was for dinner, and he just shrugged and asked what I wanted, then looked a bit shifty when I said I'd asked him to make something for us. He said that he'd got me the tickets instead. I ended up ordering a takeaway.

AIBU for feeling a bit unloved and wishing he could have just made a tiny bit of effort? Even 'recycling' the envelope felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
3Britnee · 26/06/2021 17:14

Why has he got fun money if he's not contributing anything? That money needs to go in the pot. He's a cunt.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/06/2021 17:18

Can he drive ?

Supermarkets are crying out hot food del drivers there's jobs going every where

Crockof · 26/06/2021 17:18

Cocklodger that should be taking on the load whilst he is sat on his arse. Think hard

Original poster
ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 17:25

@3Britnee, it's less than £100 'fun money' per month, which wouldn't make much difference in terms of our outgoings.

@Guiltypleasures001, he can drive, but doesn't very often. He doesn't have his own car. He's not out of work because he can't find any though, he just isn't in a fit state of mind for it.

OP posts:
freespirit11 · 26/06/2021 17:28

Havent RTFT, but YANBU at all. The level of effort shown here was low, and the gift was really a gift for himself!

Spandrel · 26/06/2021 17:29

now everyone's posts are making me think perhaps I'm stalling and having doubts

Well, you should be, because it doesn't sound as if this man brings anything at all to your life. Your life sounds actively worse with him in it. I'd tell him he needs to get a job or go on benefits and move out, regardless of his state of mind, so that you can consider whether you actually want to be in this relationship, far less marry a man you are clearly carrying in every way.

Baddit · 26/06/2021 17:33

Although I'm sympathetic to his mental health difficulties, what's he bringing to your relationship?

Sounds like a total cocklodger and you're his mealticket

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/06/2021 17:38

"I started the thread because I was feeling like a bit of an afterthought, but I was also aware that he had actually got me a present."

But he didn't get you a present. He got himself a present.

Don't you think you and he should have a bit of a discussion over this, and his sheer unadulterated taking you for granted?

onethingandonethingonly · 26/06/2021 17:41

Grief can be very debilitating. Just wondering: has the depression been medically confirmed, and is he on medication/ looking into counselling or therapy?
Otherwise I'm feeling a little bit uneasy about the combination of a gift that he likes, no effort made for your birthday, and the general air of passivity that you're describing.
If he isn't getting help, he needs to get some, especially if he cannot work due to low mood/stress.
I think now is also not the time to start planning a wedding....

mobear · 26/06/2021 17:43

He sounds like my ex. Also didn’t work, wouldn’t do anything even though I was at work one day and if he ever did come into any money he’d spend it on himself, letting me cover everything else. When I did finally throw him out I find out he was cheating on me too! Cut your losses and dump him.

Staffroomdoughnut · 26/06/2021 17:43

Next!

It doesn’t sound like you’re content let alone happy. Flowers

onethingandonethingonly · 26/06/2021 17:43

sorry just seen he is on meds... still think (grief) counselling could also be helpful, and a general encouragement towards physical activity - or is he working on that too?

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 26/06/2021 17:43

I've voted yabu for thinking this is all you're worth. What a cock lodger he is. Don't just wish for more - go out and get it.

mobear · 26/06/2021 17:44

*work all day

WorraLiberty · 26/06/2021 17:46

Actually now I come to think about it, as you don't have children, he should be doing all the housework and cooking midweek while you're at work supporting you both.

Original poster
ringletsuk · 26/06/2021 17:48

@onethingandonethingonly, yes, it's confirmed depression, and he's taking medication. He's been depressed before, which was before we met, so it's not a new thing to him. He doesn't want to do talking therapies, even via zoom.

@WhereYouLeftIt, we used to go to comedy gigs quite often, before the pandemic, so it's not like he's just got tickets to something I'd never be interested in. It's just that this gig is one of his very favourites, while I think he's okay.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/06/2021 17:50

He has plenty of time to make "learning to cook" a positive thing to achieve whilst he isn't working and recovering from his depression.

Blossomtoes · 26/06/2021 17:52

@LadyCatStark

Wait, he doesn’t work but you cook him dinner every night??
This. He must be able to lick his eyebrows.
tallduckandhandsome · 26/06/2021 17:54

Ditch.

lolacola77 · 26/06/2021 17:55

Wow you've got yourself a lazy selfish cocklodger. What the fuck are you doing with such a useless waste of space?

NotTheCatsWhiskers · 26/06/2021 17:56

But his not wanting to do talking therapies affects you. It affects your life together. He needs to make an effort else what’s going to change?

SD1978 · 26/06/2021 17:56

I'd sell the tickets since they are your present, and use the money for something you want to see. His response to your birthday has been utterly selfish, and his depression and not working for 6 months isn't an excuse for the fact he was a selfish git. All you wanted was a meal cooked for,you, he buys tickets to go see someone he wants to see. Sell the tickets and buy yourself something you actually want.

WombatChocolate · 26/06/2021 17:58

Op, do look back at your replies. You are doing a lot of making excuses for him.

Have a serious think about if you are happy in this relationship and as well as putting in, are getting what you need out to.

It would be an awful shame to have doubts, not address them, marry him and then see it all fall apart in a couple of years time. Now is your time to do some serious stock-taking and assess everything.

It is hard. You’ve been with him a long time and he has depression and the thought of starting again is probably terrifying. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take stock and consider it all. Quite what you conclude, only you will know, but read back over this thread again and all the things you’ve said. Think about what the features of a strong and good relationship are and what you have a total right to expect from your life partner and consider if you are getting those things;

  • someone who loves you and shows they love you through actions
  • someone who values the things you value even if they aren’t their preferences
  • someone who pulls their weight over the practical things of life
  • someone who shares the same values as you and has similar life goals and sense of what a relationship is.
  • someone who is willing to engage and talk about the relationship so issues can be addressed and progressed on.
  • someone who is actively involved in the relationship with you and who wants to be there
-someone who finds you attractive and who you find attractive -someone whose company you enjoy and who enjoys yours
  • a sense that you are a team and working together

If you don’t have these, you’re being sold short. Don’t sell yourself short.

If you’ve been engaged a long time, now is a really good time to have a careful think about the relationship. Don’t marry him if you’re not sure. And if you’re not sure, don’t allow it to drift for multiple years but set some time frames for talking with him about the issues and for things to improve ..or end.

Best of luck…it’s not easy, but sounds really necessary.

Zari29 · 26/06/2021 17:59

What's his plan to get back to real life op? How long is he signed off for? It seems like he has become comfortable with this new normal. The problem here is that it can very easily slip into cocklodger territory. He's already put zero effort into your birthday meal and his gift to you. Sounds like he is going to drag this out for a very long time, because he has it very easy. No kids, a dp who is funding his lifestyle, very comfortable.

Mamanyt · 26/06/2021 18:01

Lack of confidence with cooking? The best way for him to develope that is TO COOK. And wash up. And vacuum. And dust. And clean the loo. HE IS NOT WORKING. You are. That's a fair division of labor.

As for those tickets, that's very like men I know who buy their wives/gfs a very sexy but horribly uncomfortable nighty/teddy/ect as a gift. They are buying it for themselves. I'd be livid, and he'd very possibly be an "ex"